Why did this rock star harass me?

Trigger warning.

I have mentioned this breifly in my assault thread. I’d like more specific insight into why I was chosen as a target. I felt bullied & harassed.

I’ll never go to a show alone anymore.

I know I should let it go, but I can’t even though it happened years ago. It would probably help me a bit to make sense of things.

I’m an adult female. I went to a club by myself once since I had no one to go with at the time. My husband hates my music & my friends weren’t interested or available back then.

Anyways, I stood upfront right by the stage. It was a small club. The show was amazing up until the lead singer came up to the very edge of the stage.

I had to look up at him to avoid looking at his groin area, lol. I should’ve moved, but I had a crush on him, lol

So after I was in this awkward position, he all of a sudden thrust his groin area at me! He had shorts on. Omg, my jaw hit the floor! I have been to lots of rock shows & I have never seen anyone do that ever.

He bent his back like Neo did in the Matrix when he was dodging bullets. lol .

I don’t think that I’m that hot, lol. I was mostly covered up too. I was wearing a tight low cut shirt though but I didn’t have any clevage showing. I had on jeans & a long leather jacket.

I should’ve moved, but part of me liked the attention. That guy is hot. I’m not a groupie though.

Even though his actions seem obvious, I’d still like to hear what other people think of why he did what he did.

At the end of the show, he left the stage but then he came back onstage & crouched down in fromt of me.

I froze. I was in shock once again. Especially since I’m shy & I have issues with anxiety. My mind went blank & I couldn’t even look at him. I saw nothing. He was that intimidating to me! He then splashed water on my face.

I felt a few drops of water of my nose & my jacket. I was livid! Thankfully no one laughed at me. Two people made rude comments though The girls next to me & one person called me a nasty name before I went outside.

One guy did say, wow, she’s really pretty when I turned my head. I wish he would’ve said, omg, that guy is a ****, are you OK? Another guy who tried to approach me earlier said hey beautiful in the parking lot. He wasn’t creepy, so I smiled & waved at him

The rockstar left after I looked at him with disgust. Why would he hurt & humiliate a fan like that? Was he offering me water or a chance to go backstage with him?

I refused to hang out with him in private although I would’ve loved to do that since I was by myself. And I was a bit drunk too. I doubt that he’d just want to talk to me, lol. I wasn’t there to hook up. I’m married & asexual. He definitely choose the wrong woman that night, lol.

I was afraid that I could be raped possibly. That guy freaked me out when he thrust his groin inches away from my face!

No one asked me if I was OK or not. Disgusting! I was so shocked that I just managed to wipe the water off of me & I then stood there like an idiot waiting for the next band to come on stage

I left after a few minutes. Outside I approached two of the band members to sign my C.D. Stupid, I know. I mostly did it to ask where the leas singer was so that I could ask him to why he did what he did & to apologize to me what he did.

The first guy was rude & said something about how there was no love lost. He did at least sign my C.D & he told me that the singer would be outside in 45 minutes. So did the other guy. Thet said that he was doing an interview Weird.

So I didn’t bother to wait. I also had the good sense to leave. That guy is crazy & he might’ve just laughed in my face instead of apologizing to me.

Prior to the show I tried to say hi to the band outside. I was the only who tried approaching them before the show.

This roadie stopped me & said no prostitutes. I told him that I’m not one & I then asked him to apologize to me. He didn’t.

He had the nerve to tell me that I wouldn’t get in. I flipped him off, lol. Maybe I gave the band the impression that I was a groupie?

I’d like to hear what people think of this situation & what would you have done if you were me?

I was really hurt that a musician I liked publicly humilated me. I didn’t deserve that at all.

I have never heard of him doing anything like this ever. I was told by a fellow fan that they’re cool & that they are nice to their fans.

So that made me feel even worse than ever. Was I mistreated because the singer felt like I rejected him maybe?

Would the police have done anything at all or the manager of the club have done anything at all
If I told them what happened? This seems like a possible assault case .

THAT explains why the "not" is so often missing all across the internet! That darn autocomplete!

I mean, most of the time, it is MISSING, and i wonder if people are just insane.

Thanks, Tart - i can die happy now!

You asked what people thought of this event. Everyone had kind of similar view on that. You are now stating we are wrong and you have rights to see it differently. Of course you do. You could continue thinking that he assaulted and violated you or that he had hots for you. All of this is fine, but if you didn’t want people’s opinions, why did you ask for people’s opinions? You could continue thinking whatever you are thinking.

You keep asking what people think on variety of topics and then get upset that they don’t think the way you do. Why ask then?

Like the club you were in that I joked was a lion’s den, so is going backstage to say hi to the rock star…

I understand how this was upsetting and weighed on you for a long time. I hope you feel better about it, having talked about it more.

Similar to your chiropractor thread, you seem to believe that your after-the-fact regret of a certain action you did back then somehow should translate into a change of the situation. It won't. You are asking the question WHY such and such did so and so, and we are doing our best trying to answer you. That you were the ONLY woman approaching the rock star ahead of the show is very telling and helps to explain WHY he behaved the way he did, which is the question you are asking.

The rock star did not possess supernatural abilities. He could have have predicted that many years later, you would regret "even trying to approach you" and based on that prediction, abstained from the behavior that, he thought, would be to your liking. I agree with @TishaBuv in that many women, of the type who frequent such concerts, would have found the behavior to their liking and might have responded to it in kind, but I cannot say for sure since I do not have first hand experience of any kind, much less of sufficient volume from which to extrapolate and make conclusions.

Similarly, the chiropractor did not have possess supernatural abilities and could not have predicted that you would later come to regret telling him about the drunken incident. Not having made that prediction, he could not abstain from joking about the incident which was in line with you sharing it with him as something comical.

We are trying to answer your questions as to WHY. You somehow did not accept the explanations even as working hypotheses and respond by saying what you now regret. I hope that you will be able to see that your later regret could not have been predicted by the rock star and the chiropractor who acted based on the observable data immediately before them and acted rationally. I assume that lewd gestures are typical in the environment you were in. You yourself described your dress as a low cut and tight top, but then, irrationally, you claim that since your cleavage was not showing, you should not have been noticed. Do you really at age 50+ believe that a woman would not get noticed unless her cleavage is showing? That is sort of besides the point in your case, though, because he might or might not have noticed your curves but likely noticed that you were the ONLY woman to approach the band before the show.

I have not read your other threads and I was clear in my earlier message that I had not. I was referring to two threads I did read, about the rock star and the chiropractor. In the rock star thread, you wrote that you were married and asexual. There was no way for the rock star to perceive these qualities about you. You weren't signaling them. You said you had a crush on the rock star (I have one asexual married friend and I do not know enough about asexuality and based on what little I know, it seems odd to me that an asexual person would have a crush on a male rock star, but that is just a mention in passing).

You responded to me on this thread in a way that was unappreciative of all my time spent reading your various threads about your husband and inability to work and trying to help you. I am not writing it in search for an apology (that is OK, really, I am not offended), but I am pointing out a lack of social skills that may be patched, as one closes gaps, by skills training. I saw that you a workbook on social skills was recommended to you and hope that you will find it helpful and actionable.

Unlike you, I have had plenty of experience with men, most of them positive except for a few notable outliers, and I can tell you a lot about how to interact with men in ways that would be satisfying to you. You acknowledge that you do not have a lot of experience with men, that what little experience you have had has been unsatisfying, and yet you block ways to help you because when one expresses a view that diverges from your preconceived view, such as that the rock star harassed and assaulted you, you do not even try to see that divergent point of you.

That is fine, but why, then, to use the crowdsourcing method of asking the WHY question? You can live with your own views. Nobody in any way interferes with that.

Jesyka it was not normal, it just doesn’t qualify as assault.

And regarding your thread that I did not read about being a lifelong target of harassment, bullying, etc., I suspect that part of where you see yourself as a victim is a fruit of your imagination and part of it is true.

I do not dispute that your husband, who denies you access to healthcare, accuses you of everything including using too much toilet paper, and threatens to take your name off your joint bank account while you do not work and have no independent source of income, has been mistreating you for years. But the incidents with the chiropractor and rock star, which are the two incidents I did read about, are not examples of bullying and in particular of targeting you.

There is a temporal element to bullying and harassment. They need to occur over time to be such. I do not see that you would have an appreciation of that dimension as you persist in accusing the rock star of bullying even though his familiarity with you was fleeting.

So I do not see a point in reading the long thread about being a lifelong victim as I suspect that some of such characterizations, as is the case with your husband, are true, and some of them, as is the case with the chiropractor and the rock star, are not true, but that in the latter case you would not want to even allow that your characterization lacks foundation in reality no matter how many people, and possibly even in unison, try to tell you that you have mischaracterized behaviors as targeting you as a victim.

I also do not dispute that you have anxiety, but what I see happening is that instead of attributing some of your reactions to anxiety, you proceed to characterizing the source of such reactions as being intentionally against you. You could have said that what the rock star did was nothing unusual given the milieu, but that you personally, individually, given the underlying anxiety disorder, reacted to that behavior with fright.

There is a difference between saying that you felt intimidated and that the rock star intimidated you. In the latter, there is an element of intent which was clearly missing from the actual interaction. So you attribute missing intent.

Similarly, there was no overt interest in you and yet you attribute such interest to him, claiming that you rejected his advances. According to you, the rock band was successful and the rock star was, well, a star. So he was probably used to admiration. According to you, the employee on the premises actually did NOT want prostitutes walking in. So it is not that the rock star was looking for anonymous or nearly anonymous sex. Yet, of all the hypotheses you have collected over time regarding the motives behind his behavior, the only hypothesis that you currently hold as viable is that he wanted a blowjob from you.

Like the club you were in that I joked was a lion’s den, so is going backstage to say hi to the rock star…

I understand how this was upsetting and weighed on you for a long time. I hope you feel better about it, having talked about it more.

I think meeting performers before or after the show is ok if you know them personally or if you work in the industry. If you just an audience I wouldn’t try to talk to performers. They are strangers and they might misinterpret your attention.

I was forcibly sexually assaulted twice in my youth. Both times, I successfully fought the assault and prevailed, being surprised at the sudden use of force on my end (I am in general not a violent person nor had I even tried martial arts training). Well, I also threatened both men with the police, which under the circumstances, given where I was, was an empty threat, but it might have still advanced my goals. So maybe I am not the usual case since I did not let unwanted sex happen. But at least technically speaking, I was sexually assaulted and I do NOT understand how Jesyka feels. This is again an example of extrapolation and gross overgeneralization, to believe that all women who have been through assault feel the same.

And regarding @ArtleyWilkins' point, a good number of women on these boards have been assaulted or, more generally, victimized.

My point above was that women who have been through ACTUAL assault, one they could not fight, one that resulted in a teared rectum, physical pain, venereal disease, etc., would feel disrespected and misunderstood if told that the incident described here is somehow on a par with the horror they went through, the horror that might still be haunting them.

So very true.

I was attacked or pursued with attempts to assault on a couple of occasions but managed to escape and avoided actual assault by combination of sheer luck/strangers interfering/me running fast, assailant being intoxicated and me being in a good physical shape etc Not going to go into details but scary stuff. And it didn’t happen because I was seeking thrills. I lived in a lawless and rough place and these things happened on a way to work/bus stop/walking home from work etc

I don’t think it’s fair to compare a performer making body moves on stage to actual assaults.

Me too, actual assault. The one minor incident I mentioned in another thread of yours involved groping our bodies (so qualified as assault legally). There was more and worse I don’t need to go into. It didn’t leave physical scars, but did leave emotional ones.

It’s complicated and everyone copes with things differently. I blocked it right out of my mind and thought less of it than you felt about this incident that happened to you. I don’t go around talking about it. When it happened, I didn’t tell anybody.

If you insist you were assaulted, and you tell people the details, like you told us, they will all disagree just like we did. I don’t know how that serves you. But you can say whatever you want.

You were also doing risky behavior going to sketchy places alone, drunk, and high on Xanax. You were putting yourself in vulnerable spots, then were offended when treated disrespectfully, and are still ruminating about it. This is not healthy. I hope you will discuss with your therapist and really delve into this because you are doing yourself harm.

I agree with another poster's comments. This was not an assault. Yes it was rude of him to throw water at you, and I have no clue why he did that, but I have to ask - why didn't you move away from the front of the stage after he had already thrusted his groin at you? That's what I would have done to avoid any further offensive interactions. But you stayed there, which likely gave him the impression it was Ok with you. And, you say here that you liked the attention so that's why you did not move. Honestly, you gave the wrong impression and made yourself vulnerable by staying in that spot.

Also, musicians are commonly like that. They will gesticulate in crude ways and that's all a part of the show and act. They want the female attention. Many musicians will assume if you are up front near them on the stage, that you want this kind of sexual attention, like a groupie would. He did assume, but you still remained standing there because of your crush, so you can't really place all the blame on him.

There is something to be said about deliberately putting oneself into a dangerous situation. Seeking thrill and danger consciously or subconsciously. It’s definitely something to explore with a therapist.

I had a friend like that. Went to high school together and then kept in touch after. Gorgeous, talented and smart young lady. I don’t want to highjack or type a novel here but oh the crazy things she did! And it always ended up badly. Like very badly. We aren’t talking about singer dancing inappropriately. Real bad stuff. But she wouldn’t stop risky behavior.

It continued all into adulthood. Last time I saw her was probably in our early 30s. I don’t keep in touch now but my other classmates do. She moved far and supposedly settled and don’t engage in all that.

She had a neglectful uncaring mother and a known womanizer dad. I think some of her behaviors could be contributed to that. Something makes people seek danger. Interesting enough she was never surprised “oh why it happened”. She was very matter of fact like not surprised at all, almost like she knew it would happen but kept at it

I’ve seen performers single people out before, often it’s part of the act, to entertain the audience. The last time I saw it happen it was an older woman singer who singled out a young barman- I felt very sorry for him.

No it wasn’t your fault, but I guess you learned a horrible life lesson through it. I agree sometimes it is good to process, and writing can be part of that, have you ever talked about this in therapy?

What happened? I’ll need to always remember to never stand anywhere near the stage agsin.

I stood sll the way in the back at the last few shows I went to with a friend. I have finally learned my lesdon! And I will definitely never ever under any circumstance approach anyone famous again.

I’ll move if I happen to see them nearby, lol.

I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. What happened to me is definitely not the same thing.

I still feel angry, violated & disrespected & no one should tell me that it’s normal behavior. It’s not. I feel like I’m bring dismissed & that I’m being silly for letting this bother me.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Is she bipolar?

I understand what you’re saying. I didn’t deserve to be harassed & disrespected because I was drunk & alone. It helps ME to talk about things. I don’t care if other people disagree with me about what happened. What happened wasn’t entirely MY fault.

You are making it black and white. Nobody said you deserved it. Nobody said it was entirely your fault. You are jumping to these thoughts.

You are saying you now will never go near another famous person. Again, this is very black and white thinking (all or nothing). Surely, you don’t think any experience with another famous person will be just like this one was? There was nothing wrong about the fact that you had an interaction with a famous person.

You keep saying it was not normal. Well, it wasn’t completely out of character for him to do. You mentioned another woman told you he also threw water at her. It sounds like this kind of demeanor was part of his act.

If you told me Neil Diamond did it, I’d agree it’s not normal. What could have gotten into him? Lol. But this act must have been this type of show where he was being raunchy.

Nobody’s invalidating your experience either. It was upsetting for you and you are trying to process and heal. We just got into a discussion about it not being an “assault”. It was upsetting and gross. We all feel for you and are glad you are alright.

This guy was no where near the stage, he was behind the bar minding his own business poor kid. I think if a performer has decided they’re going to do this for cheap laughs there’s not much you can do - except not laugh that is.

Not sure if you’ve discussed this in therapy but might be an idea to make a priority list of things you’d like to focus on.