[Julee]

My husband was used as a sperm donor in his party years by a woman he had a one-night stand with decades before we ever met. Now he and I are expecting our first baby together.

The woman who slept with him and kept his daughter a secret for years, showed up in his life suddenly for financial reasons when the girl was still young.

Obviously, finding out he was a father was a shock to him, but he began paying child support and having his daughter for visits when he could. It is very much in his character to take responsibility and do the right thing even when it's difficult.

Once he and I began a relationship he recounted how he became estranged from his daughter due to drama involving her mother, who was/is a manipulative and toxic person. He told me of an instance in which his visiting daughter asked if she could come in one day while he was showering and have a bath as well. He allowed her to shower with him, thinking it was not an unusual thing for a parent to do.

Later, when the girl told her mother that she showered with her father, her mother chalked it up to his inexperience or a lapse in judgement. Given the circumstances (not knowing his child from birth, the child being kindergarten aged, and the opposite sex), I personally wouldn't have allowed her to see me nude, but I'm experienced with children, know a bit about child development, and have nannied for years.

After many months had passed, and disputes about taxes, family, custody, and visitation got ugly, the woman alleged that her daughter (roughly kindergarten-1st grade age by then) told her that her father had asked if she wanted to touch his privates in the shower. The mother also alleged that her daughter said he became engorged after further questioning on her part (in childlike language). Her mother reported it, and the incident was investigated, but no credible support of this story was found. Only that my husband showered with his daughter on that visit because she had asked him. The investigation process was undoubtedly hard on the child, and humiliating to my husband and his immediate family.
My husband told me that the woman had her daughter stay with him for subsequent holidays after the shower incident, but later launched the more serious accusations when he tried to exercise his parental rights. I found out the ugly details of the mother's accusations snooping through old emails recently, and though I wasn't surprised, it gave me pause. I doubt there's truth to the story beyond what my husband said happened, but I don't know with total certainty. I am very hesitant to reopen this old wound with him. It's upsetting to my husband, and if I questioned his integrity by asking if he said anything inappropriate to his daughter that day in the shower, it may negatively impact our relationship. I assume the mother questioned her daughter in a way that encouraged the child to invent a story, or that the child who undoubtedly had a chaotic childhood made something up. Kids will do that. I'm not worried about his conduct with our child in the future, and I'll be there to guide our parenting approach to bodies and boundaries.

In my shoes, would you keep the findings of your snooping to yourself and rely on the trust you have for your spouse? Would you feel compelled to bring it up eventually? What if my husband actually did something very inappropriate and I just stuck my head in the sand? I'm leaning towards letting it go, but I'd like to see what the sounding board has to say.