Dealing with Overbearing Mother

Not sure if anyone here has experience with this or can just give some good advice....

I am well into my 30's. My mother and I talk a lot and are close. We live a little less than an hour away. She does not come to visit much, but I do go over and see her. She always wants to help, but sometimes it seems a bit controlling. For instance, she is butting into my relationship and decisions surrounding whether to live with my boyfriend or not (she isn't against it morally and does feel he is a nice guy). She'll get mad if I disagree with her opinion on life decisions like this one and says she won't help me again, although I do not rely on her financially, do not need to, and haven't for years. She says she gives me advice on things like this because she cares and does not want me to make a mistake, but this is too much at my age.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I've tried to tell her that I'd appreciate if she stays out of things, but it does not seem to work. How can I set better boundaries, and how do I deal with having a mom who wants to be involved in everything all the time? I want to have a good relationship with her and do not want to cut her off.

She might be living vicariously through you. Does she have a life, friendships, activities, outings, hobbies, etc?

“I appreciate your caring about me but these are my decisions alone and I alone have to live with the consequences “

“When you were my age were you making your own decisions?” (I’ve found this one to be particularly effective as the answer is normally that they were living a fully independent adult life at this stage)

It’s normally to do with a parent not realising their child is grown up. Being compassionate and patient but firm in not indulging it can help I’ve found.

Don't share certain things with her, because you know how she will react.

Thank you. Once she was really demeaning and said she does not trust me to make my decisions and is not as smart as she is. It's disappointing, because I think I've done okay for myself, so I do not understand why she cannot trust me to make my own decisions in life.

Good question. Being a caregiver plays a big role in her life, which has taken time away from friendships and hobbies. So maybe she is bored and gets wrapped up in what is going on with my life.

Hugs. From my perspective as an outsider I think that says more about her and her lack of confidence in her parenting than it does about you.

As parents the ultimate aim to to raise our children to mature and individuate, to make their own way in the world, not ours.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I think you mentioned she is a caregiver. It may be that because she has someone who relies heavily on her for care, it's caused her to hyperfocus on other's in her life. Is it possible to have a private discussion with her, maybe over a nice lunch or dinner together, where you can be honest and help her to understand that she can let go a bit more and give you freedom over your decisions? Maybe you can help her see the benefit to not only you but to her as well if you both have the freedom to make decisions and be at peace with those decisions.

Did she control your life & decisions growing up & you were compliant with that? It's hard to change mind sets without making waves at some point in time.

Ugh, I was an only child & I remember my mom saying you will be my baby all your life. I remember thinking not only NO, but #@[[ NO. We fought all my life because I was fighting that concept. Things got better the older I got maybe because she got tired of fighting my seriously independent nature. She would get mad at things & not call for a couple of weeks but let her sort it out on her own.

Lol....Training one's parent is always more difficult the older they get

Thank you.... that is a good point. She does seem to hyperfocus on others and what they are doing in their lives. She does this to my brother too. She is very stubborn, but I'll just have to continue to try to do this.

I'm sorry to hear that! She has always been controlling in that way, and if I did not listen and something went wrong, she would blame it on not listening to her. I think she needs therapy, but she will never admit she needs help herself. She seems to think she needs to be in control all the time, or things will fall apart.

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Originally Posted by xRavenx I'm sorry to hear that! She has always been controlling in that way, and if I did not listen and something went wrong, she would blame it on not listening to her. I think she needs therapy, but she will never admit she needs help herself. She seems to think she needs to be in control all the time, or things will fall apart.

First she would need to admit/acknowledge that her behavior is a problem. Tough for people with your mothers mindset to admit until something forces them to realize the problem it is causing in her own life. If they see no problem then what problem is there to admit or need therapy for?

I think that what you need to pay attention to is how you set yourself up For the very kind of exchanges that you don’t like. You presented her with how you are thinking about moving in with your boyfriend when it’s not necessary for you to do that. All you did was invite her to give you her opinion.

If her input leads to You feeling that your boundary is being invaded then don’t invite her into your private space.

Give it some thought as you probably don’t realize how you may unknowingly invite others to give their opinion when you really don’t want it.

xRavenx, how I can relate to what you and contributors are saying!

My relationship with my mother has been like this for as long as I can remember (am now 60+). As I've got older then my perspective has changed. Gone is my "people pleasing" attitude.

My mother has always been difficult, a possible throwback to her own childhood. Her sister arrived 6 years later and always seen as favourite child. For many years, I thought her behaviour was the norm for her circumstances (widowed early, poor second marriage) but began to realise her fixed views would cause a problem. Yes, there's a repeat of her early life, my brother is her favourite.

At 25, she told me I was a disappointment as I hadn't given her any grandchildren. Wasn't even seeing anyone then! Can only imagine what would have happened if I'd got pregnant....

She always maintains she's caring but experience shows that it's always on her terms. She has no friends, no real interests. Okay, health/mobility issues haven't helped in later life. However, this doesn't excuse the unacceptable behaviour. How do I manage this now? By not sharing everything with her, taking away opportunity to criticise. Doing things on my terms. Not bowing to emotional pressure. A new friend, who I met online during lockdown, made me realise that I didn't need to be a carbon copy of my mother.

Only advice I can give is stay strong. Don't share too much personal info as this is seen as invitation to comment/criticise. When we are children, we look to parents for guidance. As we get older, then we learn from our mistakes but still carve our own path.....

I just want to add that often the best way to maintain closeness is develop ways of prevention as I have explained. I am sure she just loves you and wants the best for you.

Remember, no one is perfect so there will be times in relationships that we have to learn to avoid discussions that can lead to undesirable outcomes.

Thank you. I have thought about this. I need to find a balance where I can still have a close relationship, but be mindful of what I should and should not disclose. Sometimes it is like walking on eggshells though.

Thank you for your great advice and for sharing your experiences. I definitely agree!

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Originally Posted by xRavenx Thank you. I have thought about this. I need to find a balance where I can still have a close relationship, but be mindful of what I should and should not disclose. Sometimes it is like walking on eggshells though.

It may not feel like walking on eggshells once YOU find the system that works & know yourself what to share & not share & it becomes your new normal

Hope you've found a successful way of coping. I thought I had but....

To say she really had a mood on earlier is understatement! Complaining last week that my aunt was treating her as if she had dementia. Brought that up today again, then snapping and snarling at me because I suggested telling my aunt about it. New cleaner arrived this week, so moans about things not done.

Then we're back to mother's birthday in June, mine 3 weeks ago. Knew it wouldn't take long before I was criticised for wanting to do my own thing.

Problems arise when she's not eating/drinking properly. She's been told so many times to drink more water; resulting confusion seems to trigger this behaviour. Very hot weather in UK at moment but still she expects me to fire on all cylinders.

I walked out. She followed me to door, shouting at me like a child and threatening to get my brother back from his weekend away. Everything revolves around her!

Sorry, I've hijacked another contributor's thread....

I can relate to a lot of this. Mind if I share some war stories? I'm in my late 50's, and about 15 years ago, I had to go no-contact with my mother. (Not necessarily recommending you do the same. I made that choice for my own sanity, but it's not the right way for everybody.)

If I hadn't moved all the way to the other side of the continent, my mother would still be coming into my house and rearranging things without even discussing it first. She would still be inspecting the clothes I have on before I go out in public. Rationale, since I'm tactile and audial rather than visual like she is, my standards for what things look like are not as high as hers. From this, she draws the conclusion that I "need help" getting the visual side of things up to her standards. She sees it as a "handicap" I have, that she has to "assist" me in dealing with.

Before I moved away, she would call me repeatedly. If I let it go to voicemail, rather than just leaving a message and moving on, she'd hang up and call again. And again. And again. And again. Doesn't matter if I'm asleep, on a date, in the shower, or what. She'd keep ringing until I pick up, and if I didn't pick up, she'd come over and start pounding on my front door because she's "worried" something might have happened to me.

You mention your mother being a caregiver, and it makes sense she's spilling that behavior into her relationship with you. Likewise once my mother found out I do have genuine disabilities, and I wasn't just being a "hypochondriac" as she thought when I was young, she switched gears completely. Instead of ignorning and belittling my needs, she went all the way to the other end of the spectrum and started smothering me. From no help to way too much help. Even people with disabilities, of any kind, should be allowed as much independence as they can manage. I was better off when she thought I was a hypochondriac.

Add to this that my mother's sister had an intellectual disability and was never able to progress beyond about third-grade level. She could never live on her own. She always had to be supervised. And then her brother came back from Vietnam with severe psychiatric issues that only worsened over time. My grandmother was always admired as a strong, amazing, heroic woman because she was caregiver to *two* adult children with disabilities, both of whom predeceased her.

So when my mother found out that her adult child also has disabilities, I suspect she too wanted to be admired as a heroic caregiver. Unfortunately, too much help is worse than none, because then no progress is made, and the condition doesn't improve. The cynical side of me thinks she didn't *want* me to get better, because then how can people admire her for having to take care of me?

I've gotten a lot better since moving away.