How to Date After an Abusive Relationship?

Yes, and the result is that it's made me more cautious, which is a good thing. I don't think I was thinking objectively enough about guy #1, and I was getting caught up in romantic feelings. I need to step back, observe, and evaluate. And that's what the psychic taught me, so it was valuable information.

I've got to squash my physical and sexual desires for guy #1. I invited him to join me at a Halloween party Sat night, he dragged his heels then declined. It's just not happening for us, so I give up. I will no longer initiate contact with him, or invite him anywhere. I've got to move on and just live my life.

You deserve someone who will treat you like a queen, Hope

Thank you so much.

Ugh, I did not squash my desires for guy #1.

I saw him last night, and we kissed at the end of the night for a long time. I was pent up with frustration and desire from not being able to kiss him over the last several weeks while still wanting to. He said some strange things to me too which leave me scratching my head wondering if he's a game player or a control freak.

After I had left the club, I told him I'm not pursuing him anymore. He wrote back, saying, "good, now maybe there's something to work on." That was an odd response. So, I said, you cannot control everything and does it all need to be on your terms?

We had gotten into a slight back and forth argument about what had happened between us recently, while also kissing in my car. While kissing and talking, I commented that he CAN open up to me and I told him that dating DOES come with some degree of risk. I said this because he had backed off from me for a while, seeming like he's trying to protect himself from getting hurt. His response? I don't need dating advice, he says. That was a snarky comment, I felt, and kind of devaluing.

I don't know how to feel or what to think except a bit like he's trying to control the whole process of getting to know each other, and maintain everything on HIS terms. He says he likes me a lot. I don't know what I think of him, to be honest. Something kinda feels off.

Follow your gut feeling, if something feels wrong it probably is, Hope

I would second this advice.

Mind games from him, and you haven't even started dating him? NOPE

Thank you! I need to listen this time!!

yep - agreed!!!

I am concerned about you being "pent up" and feeling like you *need* physical touch, kissing and sex. This puts you in a vulnerable position with these guys. Many single people go for years without kissing, touching or sex. It seems to me that you need to find a way to deal with your physical desires/needs that will not put you in a position of emotional vulnerability. Like going for massages, or whatever.


You are operating from a position with no power if you *need* something he is offering. He can dictate his terms. If you want to get out of crappy interactions like this jerk, you need to make a change in how you deal with your physical desires. Sex from a partner is not a need, it's a desire.

Thanks for your concern.

I've decided to get what I want out of guy #1 without getting involved. Meaning, if the opportunity to have sex with him arises, then I will. If not, no big deal. But, I am not going to pursue him, and I am not going to date him.

Well, guy #1 is not OK... there is something wrong with him. I've finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He exhibits toxic, narc like traits. He doesn't show empathy, he does not apologize for any hurtful behaviors, he makes sudden and unexpected devaluing, zinger comments, right after being intimate or cozy together, he is passive aggressive, and very hot and cold... all behaviors that are just like my ex husband's. I don't need or want this! No amount of good sex or great kissing will entice me to deal with these types of behaviors. I am DONE with him.

And for right now, I am done with dating and with dealing with dysfunctional, toxic men.

So, when I run into guy#1 again, I am going to keep my distance, ignore him, but I will politely say hi and remain aloof. But what should I say if he tries to talk to me? Sorry, but I don't play games and I will not let you fu*ck with me... is what I am imagining? Is no response the better one? Or maybe, I am not interested anymore?

My suggestion is not to engage him with comments about playing games which will only give him a chance to deny it and gaslight you. Good for you for seeing through him. Small talk, maybe not about the weather but similar innocuous subjects, is the most I would give him.

Just completely ignore him and be very distant if he does speak with you, don't go with him if he tries sucking you back in again

Thank you! I believe I will do just that. He doesn't deserve an explanation OR my attention.

He will not be able to understand your explanation so there is no point in trying. It will only frustrate and disappoint you.

I believe you're right.. I won't even try. Thank you!

So, since my divorce, I've dated 2 men and flirted around dating a 3rd. All 3 men are deficient in some way, and none of them can give me what I seek and want. A healthy, stable, supportive and loving relationship. Each of these 3 men come with some pretty hefty baggage. NO THANKS.

I think I am going to stop dating and just be single for a while. I am fine being single and on my own. Dating is disappointing, and I don't want to continue being disappointed. So screw it. I'm backing away and will just focus on my job, my friendships, and on enjoying my life to the fullest.

Find happiness first, Hope, then decide whether to try dating again in the future, once your happy alone