How to Date After an Abusive Relationship?

I am concerned about you being "pent up" and feeling like you *need* physical touch, kissing and sex. This puts you in a vulnerable position with these guys. Many single people go for years without kissing, touching or sex. It seems to me that you need to find a way to deal with your physical desires/needs that will not put you in a position of emotional vulnerability. Like going for massages, or whatever.


You are operating from a position with no power if you *need* something he is offering. He can dictate his terms. If you want to get out of crappy interactions like this jerk, you need to make a change in how you deal with your physical desires. Sex from a partner is not a need, it's a desire.

Thanks for your concern.

I've decided to get what I want out of guy #1 without getting involved. Meaning, if the opportunity to have sex with him arises, then I will. If not, no big deal. But, I am not going to pursue him, and I am not going to date him.

Well, guy #1 is not OK... there is something wrong with him. I've finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He exhibits toxic, narc like traits. He doesn't show empathy, he does not apologize for any hurtful behaviors, he makes sudden and unexpected devaluing, zinger comments, right after being intimate or cozy together, he is passive aggressive, and very hot and cold... all behaviors that are just like my ex husband's. I don't need or want this! No amount of good sex or great kissing will entice me to deal with these types of behaviors. I am DONE with him.

And for right now, I am done with dating and with dealing with dysfunctional, toxic men.

So, when I run into guy#1 again, I am going to keep my distance, ignore him, but I will politely say hi and remain aloof. But what should I say if he tries to talk to me? Sorry, but I don't play games and I will not let you fu*ck with me... is what I am imagining? Is no response the better one? Or maybe, I am not interested anymore?

My suggestion is not to engage him with comments about playing games which will only give him a chance to deny it and gaslight you. Good for you for seeing through him. Small talk, maybe not about the weather but similar innocuous subjects, is the most I would give him.

Just completely ignore him and be very distant if he does speak with you, don't go with him if he tries sucking you back in again

Thank you! I believe I will do just that. He doesn't deserve an explanation OR my attention.

He will not be able to understand your explanation so there is no point in trying. It will only frustrate and disappoint you.

I believe you're right.. I won't even try. Thank you!

So, since my divorce, I've dated 2 men and flirted around dating a 3rd. All 3 men are deficient in some way, and none of them can give me what I seek and want. A healthy, stable, supportive and loving relationship. Each of these 3 men come with some pretty hefty baggage. NO THANKS.

I think I am going to stop dating and just be single for a while. I am fine being single and on my own. Dating is disappointing, and I don't want to continue being disappointed. So screw it. I'm backing away and will just focus on my job, my friendships, and on enjoying my life to the fullest.

Find happiness first, Hope, then decide whether to try dating again in the future, once your happy alone

I am happy alone... it's that I have not had a healthy, stable or fulfilling relationship in YEARS, if ever, and I want a life partner. I want to fall in love again, but with the RIGHT man this time. And, I am not settling for less. I will walk away from all the wrong ones until that special one comes along. But for now, I'm going to be single and happy, and I will pursue my own goals and activities.

Guy #2 has moved on really quickly and seems to have found an immediate "plug-in" girlfriend. Granted, we only dated for one month, but he found someone else immediately, I've bumped into them as a couple twice while out for music, and I've seen pics of them posted having brunch and dinner with friends. OY.

It's almost as though he already had someone lined up while we were together! Or, it makes me wonder if he had a woman in the sidelines. He seems like the shady type who might do that.

Well, I know I am better off without him. He was shady with far too many red flags. She can deal with his constant stories of his "crazy" ex's, the constant stories of this woman or that woman being interested in him and chasing him, the constant revolving door of friends being over and staying overnight, the constant partying and drug scene and all the rest that I had issues with.

Good luck to her! lol.

Good luck to her indeed. Let us see what her staying power is.

RIGHT?!? LOL. We shall see.

How's Hope today?

I'm Ok, thanks for checking in on me. I'm not dating, that's for sure.

Ok, I am not dating per se, but I did meet a new man and am talking to him. We became friends on Facebook and we've been texting. I am very wary and feeling very cautious. He's joining me on Christmas night to go see a band. He's picking me up and is driving me home. We have not discussed dating or what we are doing at all. We're just casually talking.

A large part of me wants to run away. After the very few brief dating encounters I've had after my divorce, I don't even know how interested I am in a relationship. I feel damaged. I feel wary. I don't want to ruin anything that I've built back up. Maybe I'm really just not ready.

Ok, I met up with the guy I mention above on Christmas night. We had a lot of fun together. He was cracking me up all night and was hilarious. However, he has quite the past. And he's not in a good position in his career or financially and that makes me very wary. That's exactly where my ex husband was when we met. No thanks. I am not going to pay for all our dates.

Granted, I am the one who picked this guy up. I noticed him in a crowd at the club one night, and I went over to talk to him. I don't think he was even looking.

So this guy is mr fun guy - the guy I call to have fun with once in a while. He is not relationship material. At least not now. Oh well.

Mr fun guy is also mr sex guy. We had sex. Now we're hanging out on NYE as well and will have sex again. That's fine. I've wanted a hook up for a few months now.

I am also feeling like perhaps I will never want a relationship again. My marriage was SO toxic, I don't know if I can truly recover from it. And I don't know if I ever want to let someone in again at that level. I may want to live alone for the rest of my life.

I've also made so many poor choices in men I don't know if I trust my judgement or attractions at this stage. This guy is no boy scout. And, of course, I am the one who picked him out of a crowd.

I have a broken picker, as my friend calls it.

You deserve to find someone who respects you, Hope

Thank you! Yes, I do!!!