Understanding depression and how it affects relationships

Ok. Trying this again.
My ex suffers from depression. He broke up with me in July. Via text. Angry text. Refused to talk about it at all.

One of his exes texted him. I guess a couple times during our relationship. He didn't tell me right away. Obviously I felt hurt. Angry. Because he kept that secret. He always talked about his exes in the beginning. That issue was resolved. Until recently.

I had a hard time letting go of the issue. He is the type that likes to just brush things under the rug. I argued with him. And he broke up with me.

He always was the one to talk about a future with me. Marriage too. He told me he wanted to wear a bowtie at our wedding next year. We were never engaged. That was a week or so before he broke up with me

A few days later, he said he really didn't want a future with me and it was a bad judgment call on his end to talk about it. Then said masterbation was better than sex.

We discussed things via email. He said he did want a future with me during the relationship. But no more because of our silly arguments. And because he does not have sexual chemistry with me. Said he is interested in sex but he doesn't crave it with me.

That was hurtful. Very painful. I told me how hurt and angry that made me. He also said he blocked my number because me trying to get answers from him was not good for his mental stability. And said it's not good for either of us to continue to discuss the relationship.

I have a feeling his depression has spiralled. I love him with all my heart. I need help

1. How do I tell him that I love him and will be there for him if he needs anything? I don't want to seem like I am pressuring him or that I am waiting around for him.

2. How do I help him? To open up?

3. Based on the above, is it possible for us to work things out? I mentioned in my email that sex is not the be all end all in a relationship and that we should have talked more and maybe went to couples therapy.

4. Should I just let him be, stop reaching out and completely remove myself and move on with my life?

Any help is appreciated.

From personal experience there is nothing you can do to help with his depression. There was nothing anyone could do to change my depression until I took my own control to change what was causing it. In my case it was my marriage that was at the foundation of my depression & it couldn't get better until I left. Marriage counseling did nothing except reinforce my need to leave. You cannot fix him & trying will usually make things even worse. Best thing IMO is to radically accept that you 2 were not compatible no matter how you want to excuse it away & accept that is how he feels. Better to know it now then to end up in a bad marriage. I wish I had listened to tge red flags I felt before the wedding it would have saved me a long marriage of fighting. Just because it isn't how you feel. Sometimes it just takes something to make the other person know the relationship is wrong. You can never have a good relationship when one person feels that way. My ex was clueless that the things he did before & after the wedding changed how I felt about him forever & it only got worse with time. If he doesn't want to be with him, respect that & don't try to force it because it can only drive you away even farther. Probably wise he blocked you to save that from happening to both of you.

Don't excuse a realization of incompatibility away on depression.

Honestly I think the bigger question is do you know why you're in this relationship? Its pretty easy to see his reasons. Based on your description, this person pretty much does and says whatever will service his moods at any given time. And it doesn't seem to matter whether it's a moment of love coupled with visions of future happiness or the opposite of gloom and complete regret. What you need to understand is that both expressions are self-serving in that he either wants the credit for the perceived value in the relationship or feel pity as being the victim for some imagined harm. He sounds very narcissistic.

Ultimately his reasons are his own, which means you have to control what is yours to manage, which is yourself. If he can cover this emotional spectrum as stated without any rational map that offers just cause, then you have placed yourself on a ride that only stops once you decide you've had enough. Caring for someone is often the hook that we tell ourselves to stay in these situations. But ultimately the reality resides on when you've had enough and understand what you feel can not change him. If he wants something bad enough he will work on making those changes himself. You sitting there taking it only empowers him to stay as he is. He will never view that as a sacrifice. Stand up for yourself and maybe then and only then will he see the error in his ways. But you can't do it for that result. You have to do it because you love yourself first.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to work on himself... and who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

I would focus my energy on working on, and prioritizing, yourself. Why do you want to stay in a relationship where your partner is clear that he does not want a future with you and has no sexual chemistry with you? Why are you willing to sacrifice your needs for another? Why don't you think that you matter as much as *he* does?

It sounds like he's put up a boundary and is not interested in a relationship with you any longer. He may have his own reasoning. Perhaps it really is for his own mental health if the relationship was causing stress because it was not healthy for him. As painful as it is for you to accept that, it may be that you have to respect that boundary and allow him to move on without you. My guess is that trying to continue to contact him under the circumstances would not be helpful to either of you.

I am so sorry you are hurting. He broke up with you. It’s over. I understand it’s hard as it’s never easy. But I don’t think it’s wise to continue contacting him especially after he blocked you. Yes I think moving on is the wisest choice

I’ve been in a relationship when a person wouldn’t take no for an answer and continued pursuing me after I ended it. It’s not a good feeling. If a person wants to end it, as sad as it is we have to let them go

Do yourself a big favor and let him go. The comedian, Steve Harvey, gives excellent advice to women about men. Yesterday I saw a short video of his on YouTube. In it he said, "Don't ever let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you." I 100% agree. Getting into spats is part of being in a relationship. People say hurtful things to each other. But what your ex said to you was about the worst thing a man can say to a woman, in my opinion. He's mean. This is not just depression talking. He was really telling you that he wasn't in love with you and didn't need you. You would have to think very little of yourself to pursue such a relationship any further. I don't think he'ld be a great catch for any girl. A guy can end a relationship without being that mean and saying something so insulting. This guy is very into himself, and that will never change. He thinks he's a prize, and that you don't deserve him. Well, let some other fool have him.

The fact that he even had the boldness to talk to you like that shows that you must have already established a pattern of being way too tolerant of $hitty behavior. Never think that a guy is doing you a favor by letting you be his girlfriend. That is the mindset you have communicated. That mindset invites contempt, which is precisely what he has shown you. You will keep attracting men who are contemptuous of women, unless you change you. You're a loving, generous person. Your offer of your love to a man is a priceless gift. He didn't just reject your gift. He despised it. Hold your head up and turn your back on anyone who would do that. Once that attitude is shown, there is zero hope for happiness with such a person.

You need to have a much higher opinion of yourself. Not to be conceited or proud or arrogant. But to carry yourself with dignity. Then you will have a chance of attracting someone who knows the meaning of mutual respect. Never keep wanting someone who doesn't want you. To do so is to degrade yourself. No guy is worth that, and you can certainly do better. But only if you raise your expectations.

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Originally Posted by Rose76 Do yourself a big favor and let him go. The comedian, Steve Harvey, gives excellent advice to women about men. Yesterday I saw a short video of his on YouTube. In it he said, "Don't ever let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you." I 100% agree. Getting into spats is part of being in a relationship. People say hurtful things to each other. But what your ex said to you was about the worst thing a man can say to a woman, in my opinion. He's mean. This is not just depression talking. He was really telling you that he wasn't in love with you and didn't need you. You would have to think very little of yourself to pursue such a relationship any further. I don't think he'ld be a great catch for any girl. A guy can end a relationship without being that mean and saying something so insulting. This guy is very into himself, and that will never change. He thinks he's a prize, and that you don't deserve him. Well, let some other fool have him. The fact that he even had the boldness to talk to you like that shows that you must have already established a pattern of being way too tolerant of $hitty behavior. Never think that a guy is doing you a favor by letting you be his girlfriend. That is the mindset you have communicated. That mindset invites contempt, which is precisely what he has shown you. You will keep attracting men who are contemptuous of women, unless you change you. You're a loving, generous person. Your offer of your love to a man is a priceless gift. He didn't just reject your gift. He despised it. Hold your head up and turn your back on anyone who would do that. Once that attitude is shown, there is zero hope for happiness with such a person. You need to have a much higher opinion of yourself. Not to be conceited or proud or arrogant. But to carry yourself with dignity. Then you will have a chance of attracting someone who knows the meaning of mutual respect. Never keep wanting someone who doesn't want you. To do so is to degrade yourself. No guy is worth that, and you can certainly do better. But only if you raise your expectations.

However relationships can be difficult. By the end of my marriage my husband created situations that made me hate him & he just couldn't get it through his thick head. When I finally left I told him I hated him & never wanted to have anything more to do with him. Yea, you don't have to be that mean BUT sometimes it is the only thing the other person is able to hear. Nice breakups sometimes just don't get through to some prople. If he had been nice she would have been more likely to try & continue to persue him.....being mean usually makes most people let go because they don't want to be treated that way.

I dated a guy in college we both knew we weren't compatible. Ending it he told me that in most cases he would do something to make the girl really dislike him because then she wanted out as much as he did. We just mutually agreed but it gave an opening for me to see how some guys think when it comes to breakups. Ending relationships is not always easy to make clean, nice breaks from

Hello Finmom, First off I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. My best advice, and this maybe quite difficult for you to do this... but I honestly feel that you should completely cut him from your life. If he blocked your number... please return the favor by blocking him too.. including all of his social media accounts.


Just because he has depression doesn't make it right nor does it excuse for him to trample on your heart. Unfortunately based on what you posted here.. he has zero interests in continuing the relationship with you. He's not sexually attracted to you... there is nothing there.

It bothers me when people equate depression with asinine behavior. I know lots of people with depression. Being rude jerks isn’t a common behavior and isn’t part of that diagnosis

It’s also about time we, women, start learning self respect and start loving ourselves. When a man tells you he doesn’t want you and isn’t attracted to you, question you should ask yourself: how fast could you run away and never look back rather than how should you profess your love to disinterested jerk