Submitted Notice Today - I Just Don't Fit

I am so bummed out and sad that once again, my weirdness has caused issues.

As you've all read, I've been griping about working with a manager that (what I felt) was forcing me to be super social with coworkers from responding to after hours messages about someone's vacation (a chat that I muted), to wearing a birthday had and changing my background for a birthday on the extended team (which I didn't have time to do because I had muted the chat on my phone). I did put a happy birthday GIF in the Zoom Meeting.

I got in trouble today (again) because I didn't come to "game day".

After reading responses provided here (THANK YOU), I realized that I could try harder, so I made sure to write down what I was going to say when they asked for updates and to make a list of everyone in the group and check off who had already spoken so I would know who to "pass it to".

The comment was made today (by the same warm and fuzzy leader) that I was exaggerating, and that my comment that I don't really eat Tacos to the "What's your favorite taco place" question was rude.

She went further to state that my answers to the "engagement topic" questions are too short. (??????????????) What's your favorite vacation spot?
"I like the beach...." and I make it a point to smile and look directly into the camera....

I don't purposely go out of my way to not be liked, but I rarely am (which is why I just spend time with my dog). I don't know why it's bothering me so badly. I really enjoy the WORK and I've been told by stakeholders that I'm good at it.

I know sometimes things just aren't a fit, but I feel like I'm never a fit anywhere. I'm spiraling... sorry for the rant.

I thought I was REALLY trying. What did I do wrong?

As far as I can see you didn’t do anything wrong. That boss sound intolerant. It’s not rude to say you don’t eat tocos, that’s a fact. So what if you don’t have a favorite toco place. I keep my answers to those kinds of questions short too. Mostly because I feel it has no place in the workplace. Once, long ago I was asked to lead a team on how to make the workplace more efficient because I spoke up and said the the majority of the mandatory meeting were a waste of time. My boss liked that and asked how to make them better. My answer? To have less of them, not to serve food and drink. Some of the people didn’t like that because we got paid for mandatory meeting and making them longer with food and drink meant they were getting paid for eating and wasting time.

I am sooo with you!!! I don't mind meetings that have a purpose and measurable goal. I've learned that people need that "warmth", so I will say "Good Morning" "Did everyone have a nice weekend?" (and inwardly hope that the coworker who thinks this is an invitation to tell every single detail about their weekend doesn't speak up"

Then I'm at "Agenda Item One is..."

Thank you for your response

Is there a HR person you’re u can talk to? You should not feel pressured to hang out with co workers. This is a job and that is what your focus should be on.

I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but I do think I'll look through some HR manuals.

The thing is... the buzzword for this company is "engagement" and "culture", so I stick out like a sore thumb.

This work place is insane. I’ve been in a work force steadily for the past 40 years. I worked with all kind of people: social, not social, extraverted, introverted, loud, quiet, friendly, not friendly etc etc who cares. No one is required to socialize.

It’s just this place you described that demands socializations. It really is a bad fit

It's unfortunate. When I have the opportunity to put my head down and do my work, I sooo enjoy it and the paycheck is great, but they're not going to change, and despite their beliefs, I am trying....

So, for the next two weeks, I feel like I have to REALLY turn on the charm, really focus on looking into the camera (eye contact makes me uncomfortable) and plastering on a smile... and they thought I was being facetious before... yikes....

Zen, have you disclosed that you've been diagnosed ASD? Because I feel like you shouldn't be pushed out of this workplace that is working for you because of their unreasonable social demands. None of what they're complaining about is part of work!

If you haven't disclosed, can you rescind your notice and ask them to please accommodate your needs? This is ridiculous - your favorite taco place, "too short" answer to your favorite vacation spot...it's, as divine said, insane!

Seriously, are you in a communist or socialist country? In the early 1980's, in California, our secretary got in trouble for releasing personal information about an employee when she insisted on celebrating the employee's birthday at work, after the employee told her not to. You should not have to disclose your diagnosis for simply human treatment.

The entire situation is absurd. Which country do you work in? All this socialising and games nonsense must be hard on more employees there, I don't know many people that would enjoy it appreciate it.

I live in the US, AND in the South (which adds an additional "forced friendship" dynamic.

I like the idea of rescinding the notice and asking to accommodate ASD instead. You have got nothing to lose atm.

You may like the work but the bottom line is even IF they were to accomodate for ASD, that would not make you fit in, it would just accomodate your not fitting in & who knows what issues that would create?

I loved my home & everything I had from my 33 years in marriage EXCEPT my happiness & peace. He tried (or so he said) to "change" but what he saw was not my reality. For me, I was the one who left because I just never wanted to fit into the life he was forcing the marriage to be & it was failing miserable even as just a business partnership. It is about knowing yourself & knowing what you are really willing to want your life to be like given who & what you are within those limitations. By forcing issues it doesn't really solve any problems & usually only creates others. My now ex tried hard to make divorce difficult/ next to impossible because he felt divorce showed him as a failure. Thing was by doing what he did he is the one who lost everything. Being wise & not what we think is "right" is usually what is best for us

Thank you for this.

That's why I decided to submit notice. ASD aside, no one likes to constantly feel "not good enough" or question everything I do.

This is literally causing me anxiety. I don't know what to say or do...

What was in writing regarding your boss telling you your answers were too short, thr answer about not eating tacos was rude etc.?

Good question. I follow up with a question: if it wasn’t in writing, were other people there and heard her say that?

I think that was her interpretation, but she is VERY talkative. Seriously... if you ask "how was your day?", prepare for at least 10 minutes of mindless chatter.

Just read that again. No... this comment was on our weekly 1:1 Zoom call where she said I'm "efficient", but come off as detached and unfriendly.

I've been told I seem disinterested a lot when I'm usually just "processing" As for unfriendly, as I shared with her, being "forced" to be friends with people I don't know brings resentment and resistance... both of which I'm sure I'm doing a terrible job of hiding.

...and an update...

I wish I could jut quit right now (as I try to dry my tears before the next meeting)

After being told that I "need" to respond to the group Microsoft Teams chat (which I keep muted because the constant notifications are distracting) ... which is a bunch of silly polls about our favorite time of the year, how we prefer our eggs cooked (I WISH I was kidding), I decided to go with what works for me... PROCESS. I found five of the cutest GIFs and scheduled one to be delivered every day this week at the beginning of the workday.

Today my manager messages me that doing the "extra" is not genuine (what part of "that's not my personality" does she NOT get). She asked me to be more "upbeat" so I tried to really crank up the energy today, but felt like I was yelling.

Every time I try to find middle ground, it's not enough, and she KNOWS about my diagnosis!!!! The only responses I get are that I need to "pivot" or be more "agile" or "embrace change"... doesn't that go both ways?

I swear if I had the money, I would hire an attorney. I live in at "at will" state, so the company could fire me for no reason (although I feel pushed out), but this has to be some type of discrimination.

Like others have said, wearing birthday hats and responding to random nonsense chats is NOT a part of "other duties as assigned".

I know I sound like a "Negative Nellie".... sigh....

You do not sound like a negative Nelly

As an outsider this reads to me like a failure of your manager to manage you properly. She honestly sounds an inadequate manager and maybe she needs development herself in her role in how to manage staff.

Will there be an opportunity for feedback when you leave this job? Like an exit questionnaire? Maybe you can feedback the experience you’ve had to HR.