Divorcing a disordered person

I'm scared. I'm scared because I haven't had stability in a long long time, and these past couple of months were excellent.

I'm also scared because one of two things is going to happen; she's going to hit with a preponderance of evidence and have a breakdown, or it will be a complete "No hold barred" retaliation based on delusion.

An, "I'm so sorry to you all," isn't going to happen.

RDM

Given that you don’t really know what to expect you are assuming the worst. This is not healthy for you, don’t fall into assuming the worst. You are giving her way too much power. Try to put more trust in the legal process.

There is no stability while in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic. You can never know what mood the individual is going to be in and you become a punching bag should the individual be experiencing a bad day. Basically you end up in constant survival mode without even realizing it. Sadly this is how it had been for your children too which is why they have needed counseling.

Once your wife left you and your children were slowly experiencing a sense of safety and piece. However anytime your wife showed up you all were suddenly thrown into survival mode because her presence was an invasion.

Part of your anxiety about court is because your wife’s alcoholism and mood changes that at time had an abusive tone is something you will be facing and she had you convinced the failures were your fault This is very common when dealing with alcoholics and addicts. They erupt in anger and can go into a rage and come at those whom they feel wronged them. It’s a VERY narcissistic disease. And they often describe partners as “my abuser”. This is the lie they live in their drunken delusions.

I personally think you should explain to the judge that you are trying to provide a healthy home for your children and you can’t afford to be expected to pay for her alcoholic lifestyle.
You can be honest about how you have tried to get help and counseling to no avail as your wife chose to isolate in her room and consume alcohol and engage online with her social media addiction.

You are so worried about what your wife will do and say when it is really her that should be worried.

It’s normal to feel anxious before court. Dealing with divorce is no picnic and it’s understandably stressful. Try to stay on topic if you have to speak, consult with your lawyer what to say. Remain calm and keep focus on your children.

Your wife is going to try to rewrite history like most addicts do. They are either the hero or the victim, never the villain These individuals cannot live a normal healthy life with a partner. They tend to create the drama that feeds into their addictions. They tend to have problems both at work and in their relationships always looking to blame others when things go south.

If a partner has low self esteem they use it to gain control. They are very unhealthy individuals and their life revolves around this problem drunk or sober mentality. They know how to suck others into playing their game and believe me plenty of people fall victim.

You deserve better and to be free of this kind of sick person who is unable to have an actual healthy relationship. This is not your fault and it’s not your children’s fault either. Do your best to minimize your exposure to this sick individual who can never love you the way you love.

Oe #23

@unaluna thanks, I am trying to help him realize what his post#21 is saying and that he is actually turning a corner in seeing the truth about his wife. He is not a failure for loving her, instead she is the one that is failing not only him but her own children and they are all suffering from his wife’s choice to embrace her abuse of alcohol.

This is what he is saying in how her absence allowed him to see what stability is like verses living in constant survival mode.

RDM I hope everything works out for you

Theres less and less survival mode.

SLEEP! MY GOSH I can't explain how she weaponized SLEEP.

It was insane.

When someone abuses alcohol like your wife they become their own victims trapped in their physical and mental need to consume alcohol. This is how it is for all drug addicts. Actually they become trauma bonded to their addiction and everyone around them suffers. They tend to blame others for their problems and exhibit mood swings that everyone around them are expected to accept and accommodate. Their needs come first and they fluctuate from being demanding to being a needy victim. Hence they can suddenly decide they were wronged and lash out in inappropriate ways. Like a narcissist they create and live in constant drama which is part of the ongoing problems that come with addictions.

People that are exposed to this end up worn out because they never know what mood is going to take over. Once this is removed from daily life that’s when spouses and children start to experience actual relief.

Well folks.

We'll see what my lawyer says.

In her affidavit she made some, I feel, poorly supported claims.

There was an air of.... He's the villain, he's crazy, I'm being victimized, I can barely work, he's putting our investments at risk, and I should get custody of our daughter, and my bestie should have full access to her to because she's like family.

After two days of spinning, I went to work.

I've never worked with such uninterrupted focus before in my life.

It was 12 hour days.

I pulled notes from here, from a virtual diary I have, from the kids journals, from texts and emails.

I whittled it down to 99 points.

The first 4 express the past issues with my wife finding pornography on my web browser and me lying about it. And also the actions I took through our church, marital counselling, admission of guilt to our parents and select friends, etc.

Then the next 95 points document her progressive abuse, theft from our family, ill-faith loans she took out with family that weren't repaid, drinking, verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation and gaslighting and the progrssion right to the end in January. I documented her abuse of the kids, and stuff I found out after she left. I proved her lies several times. I proved her affairs. I got info on her travelling out of state for concerts while claiming she's starving. And I threw her bestie in there for good measure too.

Every point is cross referenced 1-5 times with evidence.

I just threw a grenade in the outhouse and closed the door.

Boom.

Stay tuned.

RDM

It’s important that you show concern about your daughter’s safety around your wife. Also, your wife also took money put aside for your daughter to pay for school so you can’t trust her with any money supposed to be used for your daughter.

I think your wife wants your daughter just to get more money for herself. However, you daughter has been in therapy and was told it would be better for your daughters mental health to distance from her mother.

I hope your lawyer sorts everything out

Lots and lots of good luck

Well.... Court date is postponed. My lawyer just said, "Insufficient time to prepare, and the home and children are safe and secure, no addiction, no abuse."

So it is postponed for an indefinite amount of time.

I've gone through periods of being very empowered, then very afraid again.

She just creates and instills such powerful emotions in me, and such fear of the future.

RDM

Take some deep breaths and let this conformation that your wife can’t force you take hold. You have been gaining ground in seeing her for who she really is and that she is toxic and that’s not your fault. More importantly you are realizing how the quality of your life and your children’s lives is better without her unpredictable presence in your home. That’s a major revelation.

Preparing the affidavit was a huge step. She's so, so toxic and damaged.

I'm thankful for this board and you guys.

I'm trying to get to the point where I don't fear her, and I'm not angry at her. She's damaged, injured, stunted... But any pity I show her will be manipulated.

We have mechanical latches on the doors. My son pointed out when I'm stressed I lock and latch the doors. I caught myself doing that today.

Can I just say, you guys were all correct.

She manipulated me through guilt. She absolutely ran hot-cold, she verbally abused me, the whole house was on eggshells waiting for her mood or reaction, she exhausted us financially, she DID HAVE physical illnesses but come on..... There are people far sicker who were able to do far more, I was truly trauma bonded to her, she had me hooked like an addiction, she future-faked with multiple false starts for new jobs or education, none of which she followed through with, there was absolutely no forgiveness in her, there was no merit in me no matter what I accomplished for us....

Thank you all.

RDMercer

Why is it postponed? Is this her tactic to drag it out

We had 7 days notice for the court date.

My lawyer said, not enough time and she was double-booked for court.

So. Re-scheduled.

It’s been good for you and your children that your wife moved out. Removing the toxic person from your environment allows you to distance from the toxic loop you and your children were experiencing.

When someone abuses alcohol the way your wife does you are constantly subjected to the mood swings that take place with the varying levels of alcohol in their system. At times these individuals can get rather mean and unpredictable. It gets worse with age because as we age we naturally become more sensitive to any drug. Once someone gets near or into their fifties they slowly lose more control. The hormonal levels change adding even more fluctuations in moods.