Divorcing a disordered person

It’s understandable. I was confused for a moment.

I hope it goes well, RDM

My lawyer continues to say....

Delay, delay, delay....

I'm a good dad. I'm a very solid individual. My lawyer is saying, the longer this takes, the more the truth will come out; that I'm stable and a good parent, and she will kinda self-combust because she thinks she's in control of everything that is happening.

My lawyer is also saying, there is no need to rush to court; our child is of age to decide where they live, there is no abuse, no addiction, school is going well, bills are getting paid, , meals are getting made, etc. There are many, many families that need a court date before me.

My lawyer is saying..... Just keep doing what you are doing. When the time comes, if we show up as a functional 3-part family, and a dysfunctional 4th party, the court will see that.

So.... I'll keep cooking, and doing homework, and working on cars, and working out with the kids.

That's it.

RDM

That is good news. I kinda felt like her filing was out of left field, disruptive, when it first happened. Like, what brought this on, all of a sudden? Your lawyer is wise - dont give in to the wife's game, to her trying to steer the ship.

There is a type of person that insists on being “the princess”. Everything is about them and their needs and they are very high maintenance. If this person is not coddled the way they want they literally threaten to discard as though others are privileged to be privy to their drama.

This individual will even claim to have “special powers” which is strange because they are also very needy and constantly claim to be a powerless victim. It’s all about their needs and their boundaries and you don’t get to have feelings and boundaries.

It’s painful to see how a good hearted person can get caught up in their toxic web and want to love and be loved but they are waisting their time because they are dealing with a disordered person that doesn’t really see or love them.

Add to that a problem with alcohol and drug abuse and this makes things even more toxic.

When someone loves a toxic person it really takes time to slowly help them see all the toxic aspects of the relationship. Often the victim becomes very committed thinking there must be something they can do to change the toxic dynamic. After all there are times when the victim is thanked and even praised. But this is ONLY to keep the feed going for the “princess”.

Truth is everyone suffers if the “princess” doesn’t get her way. Your wife had discarded you a long time ago. She was just playing and using you getting ready to completely discard you.
This kind of disordered person prefers to discard yet at the same time likes to think you would run back and service her if she wishes. The PRINCESS always needs to have this sense of POWER.

If they feel they lost power, they will lash out and have temper tantrums and meltdowns. Actually, your lawyer knows this and is advising you to stay calm and be the good man and dad you are.

Know there is no actual love lost as the princess type is too selfish for that. That is even worse if they abuse alcohol or drugs.

Just saying: people like what you described, they are not necessarily female, i have known male "princesses"

@felineangelyes you are absolutely correct and I meant to add that in Thanks!

There is a type of person that insists on being “the princess”. Everything is about them and their needs and they are very high maintenance. If this person is not coddled the way they want they literally threaten to discard as though others are privileged to be privy to their drama.

- I definitely experienced this. She had multiple issues with food intolerances. I'm a pretty good cook, and quite knowledgeable about this stuff. She literally took no responsibility for a number of years to shop, plan meals, or feed herself. She was endlessly hurt and bitter about what the rest of us could eat that she couldn't. That's understandable, BUT.... be involved.

This individual will even claim to have “special powers” which is strange because they are also very needy and constantly claim to be a powerless victim. It’s all about their needs and their boundaries and you don’t get to have feelings and boundaries.

- Ah.... Special Powers. Her mother claimed to have actual special powers, like clairvoyant powers. My wife's special power was that she could feel the pain of others. The pain of others, on top of her own pain was crippling..... She wouldn't do anything to help anyone else, but she could feel their pain. Like Ukrainians.... "Well, let's work with newcomers, and support the Red Cross." "No, we have to look after ourselves..... But I can feel their pain, I can feel what they're going through."

Add to that a problem with alcohol and drug abuse and this makes things even more toxic.

- Oh yeah.... The alcohol added another level.

When someone loves a toxic person it really takes time to slowly help them see all the toxic aspects of the relationship. Often the victim becomes very committed thinking there must be something they can do to change the toxic dynamic. After all there are times when the victim is thanked and even praised. But this is ONLY to keep the feed going for the “princess”.

- Yes, this has been hard to face. Realizing that the good times and compliments were probably just to keep things going longer.

Truth is everyone suffers if the “princess” doesn’t get her way. Your wife had discarded you a long time ago. She was just playing and using you getting ready to completely discard you.

- Yes, the whole house was on eggshells for her whims and state of mind.

This kind of disordered person prefers to discard yet at the same time likes to think you would run back and service her if she wishes. The PRINCESS always needs to have this sense of POWER.

If they feel they lost power, they will lash out and have temper tantrums and meltdowns. Actually, your lawyer knows this and is advising you to stay calm and be the good man and dad you are.

- My lawyer has said, "Delay, delay, delay.... You've been run ragged for over 10 years. Let her wait. She's still in your head and you feel you have to appease her to keep peace. No. Do not settle quickly. Delay. Hold the line, dig in. You are the stronger person. She's been living off you. Negotiate once she HAS to negotiate. You don't realize your power yet. Do absolutely nothing until you are forced to. Do not settle quickly. Let her acquire debt to live. Do not give her a war chest. Once she has resources, meaning your resources, she will negotiate harder."

Know there is no actual love lost as the princess type is too selfish for that. That is even worse if they abuse alcohol or drugs.

- This has killed me. The realization that I have been used to this degree for this long.

RDM

100% Prima Donna's! Male or female!

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You and your children have shown symptoms of stockholms syndrome. There is also some trauma bonding. I could see this dynamic more by listening to what you shared. Your commitment to trying to please her and have her finally love you was way over the top.

Then you shared how your wife and her friends decided they could USE men to fix their cars and without reciprocating This is a clear red flag screaming “toxic person” who doesn’t love but instead only uses.

You keep projecting your own good qualities onto her. She had you convinced that the problems were your fault. This is how toxic people behave.

Part of the reason I did not talk about how men can also be like this is that I could see you had already been constantly encouraged to think the unhappiness was your fault. You already carry too much guilt and I don’t want you to fall back into self blaming.

What stands out to me is that since your wife has left the home you and your children actually get to each have an identity.

Your children don’t want to spend time with your wife because it means they are not allowed to have their own identity around her. Toxic people do not do well once their children get into their teens and want to have their own identity. They don’t like not having control.

Hi folks,

Court this week. This will be the first time seeing her since the first week of March.

This will be for a temporary "band aid" order to assign support payments. My lawyer says the entire process will take years. The family courts here shut down twice during covid, totaling over 8 months. There is also a huge influx in population in the region in the last 5 years, and more separations since Covid. She says.... "You aren't a priority. Your kids are older, you're stable, there is no addiction or abuse in the home. The court won't see you again for at least two years."

This outcome tomorrow will decide a lot of things; whether we sell the house or not, whether I move to a cheaper housing option or not, whether I have to change jobs or not; etc.

I'm scared.

I still go through periods of despair. I had to identify that feeling, as I couldn't put a name on it. I feel despair, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days.

It's part of breaking a trauma bond.

I told my lawyer I have no idea what to expect from my wife tomorrow. My lawyer says a court ordered psychological assessment is a possible outcome because there has just been too much disorder for too long.

Thanks for all your support.

RDMercer

Sending you strength and love and hope. You will make it through this. You have made it this far.

My money is on: she gets ordered to pay child support. You remain the same.

Good luck, bud.

She has a TON of education, and even borrowed money to start a small business, which she never acted on. She left all that out in her affidavit. She claims she was a housewife who gave up career and education opportunities to support me.

So. Hopefully there will be some level of accountability tomorrow.

RDMercer

@RDMercer there is a documentary on YouTube you should watch called “Wasted”. This does a good job explaining alcoholism/addiction and the brain. Actually it’s a good documentary for you to watch with your children so you all understand this dysfunction and why it is so harmful not only to the alcoholic/person abusing subtances but their family and friends.

The person that develops this problem has low dopamine receptors in their brain and the person tends to be impulsive. This disorder can lead to serious health problems and when a person goes without they can’t sleep and get very moody and can experience sudden seizures.

It destroys relationships and often the person struggles to actually work and be productive. That is why your wife tends to only work twenty hours a week.

The mood swings are awful as you have described being on the receiving end of. And it is dangerous for your children to be in a car she is driving. It may seem like your wife is careful but no one should drive under the influence.

People with addiction problems practice denial, denial, denial. And as you have experienced they can get down right mean and demanding.

Often a person won’t stop until they lose everything. It’s traumatizing to be on the receiving end of a person that engages in substance abuse.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts. Stay strong and remain civil.

Make sure to file for child support.

Sending loads of hugs to you, RDM

How did you make out today @RDMercer?