Divorcing a disordered person

What stands out to me is that since your wife has left the home you and your children actually get to each have an identity.

Your children don’t want to spend time with your wife because it means they are not allowed to have their own identity around her. Toxic people do not do well once their children get into their teens and want to have their own identity. They don’t like not having control.

Hi folks,

Court this week. This will be the first time seeing her since the first week of March.

This will be for a temporary "band aid" order to assign support payments. My lawyer says the entire process will take years. The family courts here shut down twice during covid, totaling over 8 months. There is also a huge influx in population in the region in the last 5 years, and more separations since Covid. She says.... "You aren't a priority. Your kids are older, you're stable, there is no addiction or abuse in the home. The court won't see you again for at least two years."

This outcome tomorrow will decide a lot of things; whether we sell the house or not, whether I move to a cheaper housing option or not, whether I have to change jobs or not; etc.

I'm scared.

I still go through periods of despair. I had to identify that feeling, as I couldn't put a name on it. I feel despair, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days.

It's part of breaking a trauma bond.

I told my lawyer I have no idea what to expect from my wife tomorrow. My lawyer says a court ordered psychological assessment is a possible outcome because there has just been too much disorder for too long.

Thanks for all your support.

RDMercer

Sending you strength and love and hope. You will make it through this. You have made it this far.

My money is on: she gets ordered to pay child support. You remain the same.

Good luck, bud.

She has a TON of education, and even borrowed money to start a small business, which she never acted on. She left all that out in her affidavit. She claims she was a housewife who gave up career and education opportunities to support me.

So. Hopefully there will be some level of accountability tomorrow.

RDMercer

@RDMercer there is a documentary on YouTube you should watch called “Wasted”. This does a good job explaining alcoholism/addiction and the brain. Actually it’s a good documentary for you to watch with your children so you all understand this dysfunction and why it is so harmful not only to the alcoholic/person abusing subtances but their family and friends.

The person that develops this problem has low dopamine receptors in their brain and the person tends to be impulsive. This disorder can lead to serious health problems and when a person goes without they can’t sleep and get very moody and can experience sudden seizures.

It destroys relationships and often the person struggles to actually work and be productive. That is why your wife tends to only work twenty hours a week.

The mood swings are awful as you have described being on the receiving end of. And it is dangerous for your children to be in a car she is driving. It may seem like your wife is careful but no one should drive under the influence.

People with addiction problems practice denial, denial, denial. And as you have experienced they can get down right mean and demanding.

Often a person won’t stop until they lose everything. It’s traumatizing to be on the receiving end of a person that engages in substance abuse.

Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts. Stay strong and remain civil.

Make sure to file for child support.

Sending loads of hugs to you, RDM

How did you make out today @RDMercer?

Really well, I guess.

The judge basically took apart her affidavit.

I'm in the house, for several years to come. I've got guardianship. I'm owed some small support payments.

She's appealing the decision saying that she needs about 40% of my pay. Well... I'm in the home, have assumed responsibility for our debts, with the kids. The onus will be on her to explain why she can't support herself and why she chose divorce if she can't support herself, and why she can't support her children.

Given that she has a high level of education, she runs the risk of being assessed as having to pay more support at the appeal.

She's claiming she can't earn the equivalent of a FT minimum wage salary, but she has multiple degrees.

One of her besties drove her because she wrecked her car.

Today was a snapshot of someone unravelling. This was all the stuff I'd managed for her for years.

RDM

She probably wrecked her car because she was driving drunk. Given what you shared, your wife had already had a daily drinking problem and your children did not feel safe in the car with her. This problem has probably gotten worse and now she has no car. Guess her bestie is going to have to help her find some guy she can use to get herself new wheels. After all that’s her besties claim they could easily find guys they can use for fixing cars and getting their needs met.

I am proud of you for going and standing up for yourself. I know this kind of battle is not an easy one.

What is her reasoning for claiming she cannot earn a FT minimum wage salary? Is she trying to claim she is disabled?

And how did she wreck her car? Was she drinking?

How does she think you’ll continue supporting your minor kids if you’d pay her 40% of your salary. Doesn’t even make sense.

I am glad she’ll pay child support even if small.

Oh I am sure she can’t support herself and make a living if she keeps living a life of partying and drinking. That’s expensive life style right there. But it shouldn’t be your concern. That’s her choice to not live a wholesome life.

I expect she will say she will be unable to work due to illness or injury.

I don't know any more about the car accident than what I said.

She and her friend openly laughed at my affidavit, but I had proof for each of my points. I never even opened my mouth in court.

I told her 15-16 months ago that she was listening to people who were drawing her away from her family, and when things get hard those same people aren't going to take her in.

Right now her mind must be in such a state of turmoil, and she still has to go to work, and find a way to get to work. I make a good wage with union protection. I have things like PTO and good medical benefits.

What came out today to me too was, this is someone with no plan. Her only plan for subsistence is to live off me.

RDMercer

Well, that goes to show where her mind is at and has been.

She is in denial and wants to play the victim hoping the court will force you to pay so she can live her party life and consume alcohol etc. it’s not going to work out the way she wants. Her friends can laugh all they want, but as she continues her toxic lifestyle she will pay the price.

I'm glad you made it through court, and you pretty much got what you hoped for: stay in the home, no support to her. Your lawyer has been pretty on point with his advice too.

Now you can hopefully take a deep breath and sigh of relief for a bit and continue to heal.

Let her appeal; it sounds like the court can see through her pretty easily.

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This should bring you a sense of relief. Your wife was trying to bully you into thinking you had to give her money she is not entitled to get. She is a selfish entitled alcoholic. It’s good you got help to stand up to her.

It’s good she is out of the home and you have had time away from her to see her for what she really is.

This will free you up so you can enjoy your home and your children for the holiday.

I think you have gained a lot of ground with this challenge you have faced with your wife. It’s clearly not in your nature to gaslight or manipulate others. Instead you prefer to be part of a team and work towards solutions and you try very hard to respect others.

From what you have shared of your wife, she doesn’t understand intimacy, instead she has used sex and still does now, to gain power and get her needs met. This is something practiced by narcissistic individuals. They often will engage sex quickly thinking it’s a quick way to gain control and is good bait to gain interest and possession over. If you behave you get sex. This is NOT intimacy and it’s not love. Instead it all about power and control.

Individuals that are narcissistic will demand certain things and are only good at FAKING they care but they don’t and they are like this with their partners and their children. Unfortunately, the worst thing a person can do is get trapped into the unhealthy cycle of loving someone who cannot love back no matter how much effort is put into loving. Instead it’s a transactional relationship and there is no diversity. With unhealthy narcissistic individuals there is an absence of love and they are not very diverse so they are often jealous of or threatened by anyone who is diverse.

When you step back and evaluate and learn you will begin to recognize the red flags that reveal the true nature of another person. They often have a method for using sex for power over and they don’t respect the intimacies of a partner and will openly state inadequacies. Someone who is capable of true intimacy NEVER does that. Your wife wants men to desire her because she wants POWER. Her friends are the same way. And they especially love having more than one man pursuing them. This is one reason they can’t wait to have a new guy and often begin looking even before leaving a relationship.

If a man happens to find any other way of maintaining some kind of release or assurance they will face the wrath and rage from the partner that feels their grip on control is threatened. There is NO caring and intimacy what so ever, instead it’s about controlling.

You were so trapped you were willing to die trying to please someone who is not capable of ever seeing you the way you hoped or deeply desired. Instead you were constantly lead to feel it was your fault. Yes, it sounds like your wife may very well be a covert narcissist as they paint themselves as the victim constantly and will even convince themselves of it. All of this gets magnified if alcohol and or drug abuse is involved.

It’s a good thing your wife moved out of the home so you and your children had time to feel safe and heal and also get to have your own identities.

You have come a long way towards seeing the reality, it’s not an easy journey.

Really happy for you that the good guys won this time.

@RDMercer just checking in to see how you are doing. I also want to tell you that you can be a good person and have boundaries. It’s also ok to not feel any pleasure in the kind of battle you have been pretty much pushed into dealing with. Some feel empowered and others just feel sad and deeply disappointed.

I know you wanted your marriage to work out and it’s been very hard to talk about, even embarrassing. It’s is not your fault that your wife is disordered, that is nothing anything you do can fix. There is no better man either, your wife is not capable of actually having a healthy relationship. Broken narcissistic people often hide in drugs and alcohol and pretty much struggle all their lives and it always gets crowded for them if they pair up with anyone so they tend to go from one person to another and even from one job to another or are like your wife and want the money and title with little effort.

I find the best thing for me is to just step away as I don’t care to engage with a person that starts to behave like they are entitled to having me service their needs all the time. I have noticed that you have learned a lot. Life sure teaches us some hard lessons, “growing pains”.

Thanks everybody

Open Eyes, you nailed it with your comments on sex and intimacy. Yes, there was a huge aspect of just control. Huge.

She's bottomless. There are things I can't explain, like how the amount of garbage and recycling we put out each week reduced by 3/4 after she moved out. It was just constant consumption in one form or another.

I'm not gloating.... I'm not "in your face" about this to her, her friends, or her family.... I'm just.... Relaxed.

I can't explain how.... foolish..... useless.... entitled.... righteous..... she appeared in court, and how much she just lied.

Things are good.

RDMercer

I think you should ask your lawyer if there is a way you can find out if your wife damaging her car has a driving under the influence charge. Your children have already expressed being very uncomfortable being in the car if she is driving. I think it’s very important they feel they have a right to say no to being in a vehicle with her driving.

People are even more at risk now because driving under the influence is bad enough but many also get distracted by their cell phones as well and there has definitely been an increase in accidents.

You know what, we come on these boards and hope for some help, and hope to helps someone.

YOU GUYS saved me from an abusive marriage. This board and all of you gave me someplace to go to think, sort, get some validation, and make some healthy decisions. I also used this board as a diary to document things that were going on.

I'm not saying it lightly when I say I feel blessed and thankful that I have this place to go, and I wonder and worry about people who have no outlet and no support.


As for the separation, I'm not sure how she figures I'll pay for everything.

There are things now that are mutually exclusive, and decisions that have been made: I'm in the family home, and I have guardianship, and I've assumed responsibility for servicing our debts.

That's it. There's no "extra" money laying around.

Also, she claims I put her out and she was blindsided with the separation, which is a blatant lie. There are tons of emails and texts of her talking about divorce. She claimed she was a FT housewife with no education, which is a blatant lie. Ultimately, she made the adult, informed decision to leave. The court may say, "OK.... Be an adult and look after yourself."

The irony of this is really something else.... her and her friends talking about being powerful women who don't need a man..... But she can't manage her life and can't support herself.

Let's be clear too about the housing situation. Rent has gone crazy around here. You can't rent a good 2BR apartment for what our mortgage payments are. She is insisting I be put out of the house and it be sold immediately. Well, we can't afford to rent anyplace else.

She's gambling with this next court date. Right now she is paying support based on making a low wage, PT salary. The court could say, "You can earn 3x that much, pay up."

Then everything halts again for another year, when we revisit guardianship. The thing with that too is, she won't consent to our minor kid being interviewed by the court. So.... She thinks she can petition the court for guardianship and suppress the kid from having a say.

Among her new friends, she wasn't the alpha. She was the beta. Her new bestie is a stereotypical grandiose narcissist. She's the ringleader who has never had a job in her adult life, and in her 50s is a dating partier with no responsibilities, and who can't carry a conversation beyond anything other than pop culture. How long before she gets tired of my wife not being able to keep up? Or of her ruining the vibe?

Jeez.... This may work out. Maybe she'll lose these people, and realize she needs to be home with us. Maybe she'll finally see that she needs us and how good things were where she was. Maybe she'll come home.


Um.
No.

RDMercer