Hubby got a taste of his own medicine...

.... and didn't recognize it.

Yesterday my sweet hubby came home early from his second shift job. That's not something he does willy-nilly. He is very serious about missing work, and he doesn't take it lightly. Today he was going to go in, but he changed his mind two hours before the start of his shift when he realized he was sicker than he thought. In calling off, he apologized for the lateness of his decision and tried to explain that it was because, up until that moment, he had been planning to go in.

He did not have his phone on speaker, but I could tell that the guy in HR was giving hubby a hard time. Although I couldn't make out the words, I could pick up the tone, and HR Guy wouldn't let hubby get a word in edgewise. Hubby tried several times to explain himself, and HR Guy kept cutting him off. At one point, hubby said to HR Guy, "I know that. I'm not dumb."

It almost sounded like a flipped script from some of the arguments we've had. At that point, if HR Guy were to continue following hubby's script, his next line would have been, "Don't put words in my mouth. I never called you dumb."

That's a conversation hubby and I have had time and again. Yes, I have absolutely said to him on many occasions, "I know that. I'm not dumb." And his exact response would be to accuse me of putting words in his mouth, and he just hates it when I do that; he never said I was dumb. No, but by telling me all these basic, elementary facts I already know, especially in that "full of authority" tone of voice, he certainly is implying it.

I did mention to hubby that I sympathized with him on how HR Guy was treating him. The way HR Guy kept cutting him off mid-sentence and telling him things he knew already is very frustrating. Hubby responded, funnily enough, by telling me what I already know--how HR is not there for the employee, but to protect the interests of the company, and he's not going to let himself be bullied by those guys over a low-paying job.

I also slyly worked in that HR Guy could have easily replied, "Don't put words in my mouth; I never called you dumb," but it went over hubby's head, and because he isn't feeling good right now, I'm not going to press it at this time. He seems genuinely blind to the fact that he does the same thing to me--cuts me off, doesn't let me get a word in, tells me the obvious as if I didn't know it already, etc. When HR does it to him, he can plainly see that it's "bullying," his choice of word, but when he does it to me, he doesn't see it like that.

But, at this moment all hubby is capable of seeing is that he got his point made, and he stood up to the "bully" in HR. He doesn't seem able to draw a parallel between that discussion and our own arguments, and I don't think this is a good time to pursue it. But pursue it I will, eventually.

So... what is your marriage like overall? This incident is one snapshot of a repeated type of argument and dynamic within your marriage. How does your husband treat you on a day to day basis? Does he bully you in other ways? Does he talk down to you and belittle you? Does he treat you like you are dumb generally speaking and as though he knows it all and you know nothing? Or does he treat you with loving kindness and respect on a daily basis?

My husband is not an abuser. He does tend to talk over me and cut me off during arguments, but I think that’s an unawareness thing, not a bullying thing. When he is feeling better, I will try to help him see that the way HR Guy treated him is very similar to the way he does me.

If it were abuse, he would be doing it deliberately just because it hurts me. I do not believe that to be the case. The evidence is that although he learns and improves so slowly that if he looks over his shoulder he might see a sloth about to pass him up, in the end he does learn and does improve. He is also willing to take responsibility and apologize, complete with changed behavior, when he sees it. I suppose he can’t help it if it takes him a long time. Sometimes I have to enlist the aid of a professional to help him see it.

Keep in mind that he and I are both diagnosed with PTSD, and he suspects he may be on the autism spectrum.

My ex husband, who was abusive, always claimed that he didn't "mean" to be disrespectful, mean, or belittling. He never meant any of it, according to him. Yet, he constantly WAS this way and treated me that way, despite how many times we talked about it.

Talking over you and cutting you off is NOT respect. Respect involves truly listening to your partner, and giving your partner the time and space to speak without interruption, while listening and truly absorbing what they are saying.

If he still exhibits this type of behavior, and you have repeatedly talked about it with him, he still is not respecting you, and he is not truly changing the behavior.

You did not mention how he treats you on a daily basis? Do you feel loved, appreciated, respected, honored, and treasured on a daily basis?

Or, does he exhibit disrespectful behaviors towards you on a daily basis?

Hubby has his difficulties. Empathy and emotional intelligence are not his strong points. But he is not now, nor has he ever been, abusive to me. Insensitive and invalidating at times, yes. I am convinced he is not aware of it when he is, and I think those are things that can be worked on, however slowly.

Hubby would be the first to defend and protect me if anyone does try to hurt me.

I find it interesting you mentioned he thinks he might be on a spectrum. Did he ever speak to a professional? Not like a diagnosis is required here at all, but it might shed some light on his lack of awareness about some things.

Yes, he has consulted a professional. He was diagnosed with PTSD officially, but he doesn’t want therapy sessions. Even if he were officially on the spectrum, he doesn’t feel he needs any treatment for it, since he has been able to make a living all these years. His issues have not disabled him to the point where he couldn’t support himself. And me.

He is also 60 years old. Possibly another reason for his slowness to change.

Makes sense. I was just thinking that having ASD might be an explanation to some of the things he might be having hard time with.

Change is hard. Especially as we age.

I admire your hubby for making a living

Thank you. So do I. In that way, he does better than I do. When I met him, I was on disability, and I am just now rehabbing to the point where I CAN work. That’s largely thanks to him. He gave me the support and resources I needed.

Unlike so many others in my past, including my ex, hubby does not prank or tease me, and he doesn’t think that kind of thing is funny. He doesn’t make subtle digs at women, as my ex used to do, and recently when I had an embarrassing incident happen, he couldn’t have been more loving and supportive. My ex, and many of my family members, would have made fun of me. That’s something hubby would never do. Perhaps you can see why I am defensive of him when it’s even hinted at that he abuses me. After being with ex, I certainly know the difference.

Hi Albatross!

Yes, for some people, self reflection and self-awareness is difficult.

I'm so impressed to see you recognize that it's present in your DH without villainizing him, and actually speaking from a place of empathy..... Frustration for sure.... But still empathetic.

I think you just need someone to see and validate what your experiences are. You aren't hoping to leave at this time.

This has to be very hard at times for you.

RDMercer

Thank you very much. Anyone at all villainizing him is a sore spot for me. That includes his past relationships who have on occasion spoken like he’s cruel and overly controlling. Not true of him. I can sometimes see why they would think that, but I have looked beneath the surface and I have found it not to be true. After my experience with my first marriage, if I thought he was abusive, I would leave. We all have character flaws we need to work on.

Yes, he is often unaware of his actions and attitudes, and how they affect others. Evil or abusive, he is not. Frustrating, he certainly can be. Yoda, I’m starting to sound like.