I don’t know how to deal with mom who disowned me

My mother disowned me over 2 years ago because I said that I would put my disabled twin brothers (17 years old and can’t talk because of their autism disorder) in a group home during the day while I worked if/when they were passed on to me when my parents pass. I mentioned this was in the event I was single and not rich enough to hire a maid.

She freaked out because of her history of her mother putting her in the insane asylum as a teenager (so she thinks all group homes are bad, even though they aren’t) so she disowned me, over what I thought was a perfectly reasonable stance.

Her ultimatum was “You need to get a high paying job and take care of the twins personally instead of abandoning your brothers to the streets or you can no longer be a part of this family”

So I called her on her bluff to control my career path (I wanted to be an artist, she wants me to be a lawyer)

Fast forward 2 years…

Now she wants me back. I mentioned to her how hurtful it was that she disowned me instead of talking it out and how I was going through a rough time/ had a tough childhood which prevented me from wanting to reconnect sooner.

She said that she knew I was always an angry teenager but never noticed that I had any problems bc I was so strong. Her apology was “I’m sorry that you were in so much pain over the past otherwise I wouldn’t have given you that ultimatum.”

To me that didn’t seem like an actual apology. Bc she apologized for how I felt, not what she did.

So I pressed her for a genuine apology. She told me not to rehash the pass and to focus on the future bc it’d make me happier.

Then she went on to tell me how much she loved and misses me, how I’ve been estranged too long and tried to help me find a job in her town even though I’m going to college as a freshman on the opposite coast (USA).

I’m in a situation where I’m living in my car for 2 months until classes start and she offered me $500 to drive to her house.

I do miss her and the rest of my family.

But I’m torn between wanting to believe she’s genuine and thinking she’s probably not. I think that maybe I shouldn’t go.

I guess I’m looking for confirmation that I’m not crazy. It’s very hard not to believe that your mother loves you especially since it felt like we were best friends my whole childhood (Even though it was mostly me being her therapist over her bad childhood, and she refused to acknowledge my problems most of the time as a kid)

From what you shared, I think your mother over reacted and should not be expecting you to bear the burden of the care of your brothers for the rest of your life. Your mother should be planning on that herself. You were much too young to even be encouraged to think you had to somehow plan your life around their needs.

I think you need to go slowly. Keep your plans to go to college. Maybe for now keep it to phone calls

Jack,

I agree with Open Eyes. To even consider living with your autistic, non-verbal twin brothers after your parents pass away and keeping them in a group home only while you work was generous. Note that you need more than just a maid to look after your brothers. You need a CNA. Your mother needs to acknowledge that what you are offering is already more than what you absolutely must do.

Please keep the line of communications open with your mom. Thank her for the offer of $500 but tell her that you have misgivings. Share with her that you believe that it is outrageous that she would expect you to change your chosen career path (from artist to lawyer) in order to generate income to care for the brothers. It is your life to live. You are not at fault that the brothers were born disabled. You already plan to do what you can which is generous. Until she acknowleges that with genuine gratitude, you are not coming to her house. Stay on your message but do not cut her off.

I hope it helps.

It is your mother's responsibility to see that her 2 sons with autism are cared for, not yours.

I chuckled at your mom wanting you to be a lawyer. Does she realize how many years of EXPENSIVE college that takes & then after that if you don't pass the Bar, you can't practice law anyway....no guarantees to pass the bar just cause you made it through with a law degree. Sounds like your mom may have her own disconnect from reality.

You need to follow your plans for your own life. Yes, it is nice to have a "mom" to connect to but the stress of her ways may cause you more issues in your future. Never make plans on things that don't exist yet. See where your own life ends up & determine what YOU can do at that point.

Your mother has extremely unrealistic expectations of you. It sounds like she is gaslighting you too.

Maybe it’d be better for you to just lie to her & tell her what she wants to hear to avoid all of this drama.

THEN do what you can to help your brothers w/o sacrificing your own health & life after that.

I understand how you feel as my crazy parents always treated me like a free therapist. They are now no longer talking to me after I put my foot down. I owe them nothing. They abused & ignored me most of my life & yet they expect me to always be there for them! Unbelievable!

So selfish! Your mother seems to favor & care more about your brothers than you which isn’t fair at all.

Your mother is obviously mentally ill. Just tell her what she wants to hear.

Trying to reason with extremely mentally ill people is like trying to blow down a brick wall using your breath only, impossible.

They don’t listen to reason. They’re not rational or logical at all. Your mother is probably trying to manipulate & guilt trip you too. Don’t trust her again.

Please take my advice, You are obviously going to do what you think is best for your brothers. You can’t put your life on hold for them, but stop telling her that.