Am I being unreasonable?

felineangel · Jan 04, 2024 at 12:40 AM

I told a friend (when she was doing her usual thing of looking for reassurance) that i cant give her a lot of reassurance cause im trying to stabilise my own mental health

Instead of giving me time and space to stabilise, which is what i need, shes started asking for further reassurances etc

I have to put my own oxygen mask/lifejacket/lifeboat/whatever on first before i can help her again with hers (metaphorically speaking)

Am i being unreasonable?

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 04, 2024 at 04:03 PM

No, you are not being unreasonable, far from it, but it would calm your friend down if you tell her that after you take time to stabilize, you will be there again to provide her with reassurance she needs.

Delayed gratification.

Nammu · Jan 04, 2024 at 04:09 PM

You are not being unreasonable. But your friend is. Tell her you are not going to read anymore emails from her for a month while you stabilize. Or two weeks if a month is too long. Then follow though with that. Delete all her emails to you without reading them. She can not emotionally manipulate you that way and you are practicing good boundaries.

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 04, 2024 at 04:24 PM

I did not know the communications occur over email. I would not delete email as this requires action on your part and you will be constantly reminded about her, detracting from your effort and focus on stability, but I like the idea of not reading her emails. So I would insert a filter to auto-archive the emails from her and then when you are ready to read them again, do so and delete the filter so that they come to your primary inbox from that point on.

Nammu · Jan 04, 2024 at 04:30 PM

I had no idea you could use filters that way. Yes do that.

Angels friend often threatened self harm if angel said she’d stop reading her emails that’s why I suggested not reading them and deleting them. Angel needs to care for herself first.

felineangel · Jan 04, 2024 at 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

I had no idea you could use filters that way. Yes do that.

Angels friend often threatened self harm if angel said she’d stop reading her emails that’s why I suggested not reading them and deleting them. Angel needs to care for herself first.

and suicide, tbh

Have Hope · Jan 04, 2024 at 06:20 PM

Not at all. It’s perfectly reasonable to create healthy boundaries. You have to take care of yourself. And often that means limiting contact and conversations.

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 04, 2024 at 09:44 PM

In Gmail, I can show with screenshots how to create an autoarchiving filter. You can even put the emails in a special place to corral for easy retrieval later on.

@felineangel, how have you deflected threats of suicide in the past? Have you ever told your friend to call her doctor, go to psych er, or call a hotline?

felineangel · Jan 05, 2024 at 03:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam

In Gmail, I can show with screenshots how to create an autoarchiving filter. You can even put the emails in a special place to corral for easy retrieval later on.

@felineangel, how have you deflected threats of suicide in the past? Have you ever told your friend to call her doctor, go to psych er, or call a hotline?

When i tell her to get offline help, she freaks out worse, deciding i dont care about her

She stopped making those threats luckily cause it was a major trigger to me, the ex of mine used to make threats of suicide if i didnt do what he wanted when he wanted, once friend understood that being a major trigger she stopped those threats

Ex would literally say how he was going to do a suicide - graphically - so every threat that friend made would bring his threats back and i would end up self harming

felineangel · Jan 06, 2024 at 11:16 AM

Looks like she's in "flood felineangel" mode .....

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 06, 2024 at 12:08 PM

Oh, not again!

felineangel · Jan 06, 2024 at 02:26 PM

She's saying she's going to start being more selfish (I hope she just means in real life and not emails) not sure how to respond to that (not gone through everything, seen that without even opening anything)

felineangel · 06:22 PM

wish me luck, the number of emails in my inbox is bothering me, going to try going through everything, wish me luck ........

was it wrong of me to tell her that greif may never stop flaring up? she was talking about someone else in her life, she's acting as though she really feels his greif should work by her timetable

i mean, every March the greif for my angel Ebony still flares up, it'll be 6 years this March

Every single March I get a greif flare up and end up self harming again cause I never saved her

had my angel Ebony lived, she would of been 13, if the rescue had her age correct

Will always miss my sweetpea

:brokenheart image thing goes here :

jesyka · Jan 06, 2024 at 06:37 PM

I’m so sorry to hear that! Tell her to please call a suicide hotline.

Is she seeing a therapist? If not, then please encourage her to see one.

Did you make it clear that you can’t help her at the moment because you’re struggling too?

Did you let her know that you’ll be there for her when you’re feeling better?

Can she talk to someone else?

felineangel · Jan 06, 2024 at 07:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I’m so sorry to hear that! Tell her to please call a suicide hotline.

Is she seeing a therapist? If not, then please encourage her to see one.

Did you make it clear that you can’t help her at the moment because you’re struggling too?

Did you let her know that you’ll be there for her when you’re feeling better?

Can she talk to someone else?

She's just started seeing a therapist, I've told her that I have to take a break from helping her cause my mental health isn't so great just now, I know my own mental health will go down the toilet in March cause it been doing that since 2018 cause that's the anniversary

lizardlady · Jan 06, 2024 at 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by felineangel

was it wrong of me to tell her that greif may never stop flaring up? she was talking about someone else in her life, she's acting as though she really feels his greif should work by her timetable

Felineangel, each person grieves in their own way, at their own speed. If your friend is trying to force someone else to grieve on a timetable she set she is being unkind.

As for grief flaring up... that's what grief does. Something will happen a person sees something, a person hears something that brings it all crashing back. My best friend of 50 years died a year and a half ago, there are still times I want to share something with her, recommend a book. Then I remember I can't and the grief bites me in the backside.

I'm going to say something harsh about your friend. She is selfish. She wants to control how/when your other friend grieves to meet her needs. You told her you need to take a break and she floods your mailbox. Again, she is putting herself ahead of you. She's trying to take a wrecking ball to the boundary you set.

For your own sake, stop reading her e-mails, don't take her calls. If she gets to you somehow and says she's going to kill herself tell her to call 911, her therapist or her pdoc. It is NOT your responsibility to keep her safe. Don't let her suck you in to caretaking.

MuddyBoots · Jan 06, 2024 at 07:43 PM

She is not a friend. This is selfish and manipulative. You have your boundaries and she is outright violating them. I would go no contact with them and if they threaten to hurt themselves/kill themselves tell them to call 911 or equivalent and if she doesn't you will.

felineangel · Jan 07, 2024 at 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

She is not a friend. This is selfish and manipulative. You have your boundaries and she is outright violating them. I would go no contact with them and if they threaten to hurt themselves/kill themselves tell them to call 911 or equivalent and if she doesn't you will.

Just saying: your not disruptive

Your status thing is what I'm referring to

felineangel · Jan 18, 2024 at 02:55 PM

greif and trauma is kicking my arse tonight

just had to tell friend i cannot be there for her just now

she put too much pressure on me tonight and i ended up cutting both legs a lot cause i was already struggling due to the snow having made itself at home here and friend decided to have yet another "I need a lot of reassurance" times

i don't mind being there for her - but I cannot always be stable enough, like today

one cut i not sure about, its one that was healing that i went over again cause i need it to hurt

cause it physically hurting stops my heart from hurting just for a bit

Tart Cherry Jam · Jan 19, 2024 at 12:50 AM

Have you tried DBT? I am just asking because what you are describing is a typical borderline way of dealing with internal pain and DBT skills training offers much more constructive approaches.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Is this unreasonable	Anonymous32448	Relationships & Communication	11	Nov 18, 2022 02:28 PM
Am I being unreasonable?	Catgirl26	Relationships & Communication	15	Apr 18, 2017 05:41 PM
Am I being unreasonable?	Secretum	Relationships & Communication	7	Jul 05, 2016 04:02 PM
Am I Being Unreasonable?	Dani	Psychotherapy	9	Sep 28, 2012 03:41 PM
AM I Unreasonable?	radio_flyer	General Social Chat	17	Feb 18, 2010 02:44 PM

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Am I being unreasonable?

My Support Forums

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,094 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Jan 04, 2024 at 06:20 PM #7 Not at all. It’s perfectly reasonable to create healthy boundaries. You have to take care of yourself. And often that means limiting contact and conversations. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
	Reply With Quote

felineangel Account Suspended Member Since Jul 2023 Posts: 614 (SuperPoster!) 529 hugs given	Jan 06, 2024 at 11:16 AM #10 Looks like she's in "flood felineangel" mode .....
	Reply With Quote

felineangel Account Suspended Member Since Jul 2023 Posts: 614 (SuperPoster!) 529 hugs given	Jan 06, 2024 at 02:26 PM #12 She's saying she's going to start being more selfish (I hope she just means in real life and not emails) not sure how to respond to that (not gone through everything, seen that without even opening anything)
	Reply With Quote

jesyka Poohbah Member Since Jun 2020 Location: U.S Posts: 1,280 3 270 hugs given	Jan 06, 2024 at 06:37 PM #14 I’m so sorry to hear that! Tell her to please call a suicide hotline. Is she seeing a therapist? If not, then please encourage her to see one. Did you make it clear that you can’t help her at the moment because you’re struggling too? Did you let her know that you’ll be there for her when you’re feeling better? Can she talk to someone else?
	Reply With Quote

MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 4,153 (SuperPoster!) 3 4,851 hugs given	Jan 06, 2024 at 07:43 PM #17 She is not a friend. This is selfish and manipulative. You have your boundaries and she is outright violating them. I would go no contact with them and if they threaten to hurt themselves/kill themselves tell them to call 911 or equivalent and if she doesn't you will. __________________ Live life for nothing but that sweet sweet melody.
	Reply With Quote