Looking back on things with clarity.

((I am unsure if this should have been posted in relationship sub category or in men's health category))


So, I have been stewing on a great many things. I have tried super hard to keep my thoughts as impartial as possibly as I feel when I look back on many things, I lie, or alter to better suit my mood. I know one way I try to do is the second set of shoes philosophy, but I digress.

So I think I may have convinced myself that I am someone who never will never experience romantic or sexual attraction due to a medical issue I have never addressed. I know I have a desire or longing to experience them but I am not sure If I can or have. The cues don't work or never clicked in my head. Looking back, I never felt a desire or motivation or ambition like I noticed others (male or female) show when there is some form of attraction/crush. I had surrounded myself with peers, who all thought very similar in the matter that if you don't have a spouse no matter your orientation, that you are going to end up forgotten and will not not be able to contribute to society. So I forced myself to attempt this relationship thing, and I REALLY regret it as it has left me with for mental instability then before.

Before I begin, the classification of how endowed a male is, was literally never a thought for me before I met my second ex back in the late 2000's. I didn't have friends in Highschool, and I kept to my own vices. My biological father and stepmother were super strict to begin with. I think I tried to befriend people in the beginning, but not being able to control my time, I suspect others felt betrayed, or I seemed showed no interest, and people naturally stayed away to the point I was the outcast and bullied. Any conversation I had was more or less ... weird as it sounds... business. School work, projects, group work, etc... I was overlooked with Prom and graduation and was only given an apology from the school counselor upon picking up my graduation certificate after finishing a shift at work. I think for me it didn't bother me though as I never established a connection with anyone so at the time time, there was no skin shaven off my back.

Before I begin, I am a bit nervous having writing this as their is a sense of emasculating myself and to avoid the post from getting flagged or removed I am trying to use generalized terms. It was a weird moment. I didn't know how or what to feel but... I felt a sense of embarrassment. I left, even before getting dressed.

Looking back now, I know both relationships I had were unhealthy. My exs were rebounding from a previous relationship. I know I wasn't good either as I was dating because of Peer pressure, the culture of the areas I lived and I was confusing the terms companionship with a more intimate definition of relationship. I also thought if I did this, I wouldn't be bothered by my peers and could be regarded as someone on equal grounds. Those peers ended up ditching me anyways (Small Victories). But my first ex was bad. I noticed two things. I was extremely anxious when she want to take things to the bedroom. I created excuses for about two weeks until I had no more. It was as bad as I envisioned. She was highly disappointed and even visibly disappointed. I had moved out the next day. To this day, we have never talked or contacted each other.

After moving out, I can only speculate, as I knew she liked to party a lot, she had told people back where we were and rumors started spreading that I was so disappointing I turn women into lesbians. This became evident as I had moved in briefly with my mother for a small bit to work a job and save to move out. I had gone to the grocery store to help her out. I left and waited out by the car. Two weeks later I decided the best course of action was to leave the province and head out west, as I was living on the East coastline at the time.

My second ex was a bit more unique. She tried to, I would assume so, be nice maybe (?) I am not very sure as she showed narcissistic tendencies, and she had rebounded from a rough relationship and had some heavy burdens of her own. So I struggled very hard to be able to perform in the bedroom. It was evident there was issues at this point. I was taking Citalopram, Had a back pack of untreated mental health stuff, and like before didn't have a connection. I was always told by those who helped me said about trying to find someone. She lied to me I guess to stoke the ego. She was a avid weed smoker, and was always on her phone calling the few friends she had and sharing all the details of a past week with them. This time she had forgotten to close the door and had mentioned to her friend who was a nurse that I struggled to perform in the bedroom and that I was really small and she had to act because she felt sad for me. She then said that this relationship wasn't going to work as she was hypersexualized.

When We had first started dating, she was 'poly' or Polyamory. I felt uneasy about that for many many reasons. Those reasons being made fun of by others, or even performance issues, little alone sleeping with other people. I didn't fault her for sleeping with others, as I know I couldn't satisfy her in that department, we grew distant, and I just fueled that bad part of her. I can't say or know for sure, if this is authentic or a result of her mental mind games altering my line of thinking, but I do feel bad. Because I wasn't honest to myself, I couldn't be honest to her. Is it wrong for her wanting to find someone who can satisfy her in what ever spectrum of intimacy and romance especially when it comes to a love interest? No, I really think In a way I forced a hand of cards on her that she wasn't prepared for. I have seen a bunch of people misconstrue some advice that everyone should drop everything for that partner. I don't think that is right. At the same same time communication could benefit situations like this.

I regret being honest to myself because I feel like I hurt others because I with held information about me, and never seeked out proper help to assess my health (Physical and Mental), decided to please others over not only my own but my well being. I cannot for sure say that I am unable to experience an attraction as I don't think I experienced them as of today. I know despite being considered.

I know I now need to be careful especially if I ever decide to ever try and get involved with someone. Whether its peers of theirs talking about their escapades, and that partner feels left out or becomes a constant wear moving forward. I guess this was something I should have been honest with my second ex with, as well as her.