things i said i want to take back

trigger for brief mention of suicide


have you ever said something to your T and not realize that it is a way bigger deal then you ever thought?

i have been stressed all week because of my MIL being here i got very little me time and my T is going on vacation so i saw her today and i am not going to see her again for 2 weeks. for some reason this caused me to be so angry.i have been going through so much the last few weeks that it seemed to me that my T was really holding me together. i think this made me want her to be around i think even scared she was going to be away, i hate that i feel this way .i got there and she was a bit late it made me more angry. i sat there angry and speechless. in my head i am screaming at myself. screaming about how i am sitting there digging myself a huge hole that was going to make me miserable. i told her i was angry and wanted to leave.she brought up the point that i may be angry at her vacation. i still was not wanting to talk .

she started asking me some about the story we have been talking about the last few weeks and for some reason this completely enraged me.i finely says that i don't want to talk about any of the characters in the story they were all horrible.she said a few more things and then started to ask about people in my family.i was answering simple questions and it was OK .we were talking about an uncle i didn't care much about. i said my brother was closer to them then i was.then she asked about my brother she has never asked about him.he committed suicide about 11 years ago. she said things must not have been to great for him to take his own life.i told her that i was the only horrible thing in his life that made him miserable. she said i like to place a lot of blame on myself.(she has no idea what i did to him) she asked if he was nice to me ?i said yes and the thought of him letting me out of my room in the mornings and i said this to her i internally freaked OOOPS. next thing i know she is asking me all serious like why is he needing to let you out of your room. why did i say this.god my head is screaming shut up. i just blurted out that he just stood on his chair and let me out thats all.she asked again why was he letting me out of my room? was i locked in there? i tried to take it back some by just saying that i use to sleep walk and the mother needed to lock me in and my brother would let me out in the morning.she said wait a minute you were in there all night not being able to get out even to go to the bathroom. i shrugged and shut up she looked to horrified.i was silent for what seemed like forever.she asked me why my Mouthe wasn't letting me out and i couldn't even remember why.i just said i don't know maybe she was at work or sleeping. I don't want her to be horrified.this was just a tiny window of my past . maybe she isn't right for me. she commented about it being a hook and eye lockHow did she know about that,she commented about the bathroom how did she know about that. this was just one sentence about my past and she is horrified.that kind of scares me.

why did i say this now? she asked me about my brother and this room stuff is huge to me and goes way deeper than my brother just letting me out.he cared for me when i was in my room.maybe it is because she is going on vacation that i said this to her.at first i thought maybe because i didn't want her to go.but i think it may be just because she wont be here that made me do it because it is safer now that she isn't here.i don't have to talk about it now.i don't have to go deeper.

on the way home it hit me like a ton of bricks what i had done,what i had said to her. i have wanted so badly to start letting her see what is was like for me growing up. i have never ever ever talked about this to anyone IRL ever not even my husband.it seemed like it was only one sentence but it was huge.it is a small window .it is one peek at the horribleness that is me and my past .i am scared to see her when she gets back .in fact i am terrified because i wonder if she will just let it go or want to talk about it more.i feel like i have started to open a door and it cant be closed.I'M scared but i have two weeks to figure out what it all means to me

Granite, i hope it helps to remember that she wasn't horrified because you were telling her about your childhood, but because she cares about you and the things that happened to you were awful. She can handle anything you want to share with her and she can help you.

I'm glad you told her granite. You deserve to have some compassion shown to you and to get the help you so badly want. I'm proud that you told her. I wish I had words the way you do. I need to do this same thing, but I don't know how to say what I feel or remember. Thanks for showing me it can be done though. (((((granite)))))

granite, you aren't horrible. What was done to you was, but not you.

granite, you're a superhero

Agreed.

It sounds like you were quite brave today and some internal backlash is not abnormal. It isn't particularly fun to go through, but it is not unusual. The therapist can handle what you tell her.

What you are feeling is normal. You've kept your past hidden from everyone but now you've trusted your T enough to let her see a little bit. You don't have to open the door all the way at once. You're right that you can't go backwards but you can go slowly. Your T doesn't think YOU are horrible. She thinks what was done TO YOU was horrible. You can trust her to help you heal. I know you're scared but you're going to be all right. Try not to think TOO much about it during the next 2 weeks. This might be a good time for distraction. Remember your T is on your side. Her only goal is to help you feel better.

Granite maybe it was time you told her something like that and now it's out there. Our minds have ways of giving us things when we are ready. Your T knew there was more then you were telling her and everyone is right...she does like you and is there to help you. I'm very proud of you for the slip up, I'm sure this will lead to more sharing and healing. We all love you honey and you know that. We are all here for you. I also agree that there is a huge difference between you and your past... The things that were done to you as a child, that coat of shame and embarrassment is not yours to wear, it belongs on the ones who did those things to you. Be kind to yourself honey, I know it's hard. Pm me if you ever need anything.

((Granite))

I can understand your distress about opening this subject accidentally when your T is just about to leave. But it's something you would have had to talk about eventually.

(((granite))) It's so painful to open up a bit, but I think it could be really good. Now that little sliver of info isn't a secret anymore. You were talking about maybe telling a bit, and this is a good way of doing it, one little piece at a time. We'll all be here for you while shes gone.

I can identify with how you are feeling, I let out some stuff this week to T that I haven't ever shared with anybody. Less than 24hrs later I wanted to take it all back, it felt unsafe for to be out there. It will be okay- in the long run this will be a good thing for you and your T to be able to talk about!!

wow thanks for all the hugs and responces i'm going to get breakfast and respond to all

i do kind of feel like she was horrified by me.i am working on not feeling this way so it seems i am on a rollar coaster.

i know so well how it is to not have words. it has taken me almost 3 years to be able to say this little bit and i am terrified about what it may lead to.you will be able to do it when you are ready

thanks sannah i will probibly need to hear this a lot. she just looked so horrified by me

thanks guys i don't feel much like a super hero at all.i am kind of shocked that i said what i said.in a way kind of relieved but scared at the same time.scared of her responce
i am worried that she can't. she seemed so horrified and it was just a small bit of who i am. her reaction seemed so much differnt then to other things i have said. maybe it is me feeling so horrified and it am just putting it on her.i don't know.

from your description, she didn't sound horrified. she sounded like she was containing it all, like she was totally prepared and thinking on her feet and able to support you and ready to catch you if you fell. I just had this picture of her standing next to you, arms open, and you as helen keller on ice skates. silly but her knowing stuff like it was a latch. really powerful stuff. it just felt like you really bonded. that is being in the moment and telling about, not reporting it from a distance, which pbutton says they say "doesn't count". every word of what you say counts. like blood, not water.

thanks rain it does feel strange that someone who isnt on pc knows some of my dirty past. someone who i can see,i can't ignore.i'm scared she isn't going to be able to take this on.

thanks cant i think that i must have said this now because of her going away it seemed safer.i hope it will give me some time to be ok with what i have done

it sure is out there lola and i hope i am ready i have never done this and even as i am posting here a am panicing ang want to take it back anyway she had to know there was more. i wish the mother was able to feel the shame i do for even just a short time but i doub't she is able.thanks lola love ya this is stuff that is always going throught my head and causing all kinds of didtress i hope having it out there may slow it down some

I think everyone has covered all the things I would say to you, but I want to say this one thing again.

You are NOT horrible because horrible things happened to you. I think you're really brave for saying it in front of her even if it was a slip up. I told the most painful shameful thing I have in an email recently because I wasn't brave enough to say it. I'm still not and right now I'm processing other stuff. I guess we'll get to it when I'm ready. I think your doing great and should be proud of yourself.

You kind of are super hero

Well I guess that was more than one thing .

thanks wiki, i'm scared the can of worms is going to be too much i need to remember this is her job and it will be ok.i needed to trust her sometime .i have been seeing her for 3 years.i have only see 1 other T for longer when i was in residential for 4 years.

it is so so hard . i am just trying to make light of it all and think i woill be able to get through these next 2 weeks i also have people here to remind me that my T isnt the evil person i may sometimes see her as

thats a cool picture to have. do you really think she may have been trying to contain it all. i don't really understand a lot about containment actually i have never heard that until recently here.would love it if you or anyone could explain it further or find a link to about it. to me she looked so disgusted by it all like when she said that i wasn't even able to go to the bathroom.uggg yuck.i have huge shame issues about that uggg. how could she know that so instinctively to say that she seemed so grossed out. such a different reaction than anything else i ever told her.it scares me. i do hope she doesn't see me this way

Granite, she probably felt a lot of empathy and sympathy for you. She was thinking about how awful it would be for a little girl to have to go through that. I think you're misinterpreting that as being disgusted with YOU. It's not you - she is horrified that the mother could do such awful things. Don't think it is about you - it is about the mother.

i am not allowed to e-mail my T. in a way i guess not having that option has forced me if i want to say something i need to use my words

you are very wise, and have great insight Granite. I think this is 100% true.

i am having a horrible moment of wishing that i had never said what i did to my T and im obsessing about it a bit. i need to know it is ok that i'm not going to die of shame and horror. what will she do with this information.