Trying to move forward

It may be part of a compulsion to long for love from the emotionally unavailable. It may stem from adverse childhood experiences.

I thought I had limerence, but this article has me doubting because I did care about the well being of the limerent object. It was an obsession with emotionally unavailable people who gave me some encouragement, intermittent reinforcement.

I don't know. Maybe limerance?

I know I had a lot of good feelings for her, thought everyone else was wrong in how they read her, thought I was the source of our issues, and held her in extremely high regard until things really began to unravel in our final year.

I've read that that longing anguish can be mistaken for love.

I still go through those periods of longing anguish. That might just be wired into me now.

I can't imagine a scenario where we'd reconcile.

I'd never allow myself to be gaslit like that again, and I'd never risk the kids' trust in me as a safe landing place.

I wouldn't give up the peace I have now either.

She'd have to make a lot of changes and reconcile with the kids first.

"It may be part of a compulsion to long for love from the emotionally unavailable. It may stem from adverse childhood experiences.

I thought I had limerence, but this article has me doubting because I did care about the well being of the limerent object. It was an obsession with emotionally unavailable people who gave me some encouragement, intermittent reinforcement."

Um. Wow.

Same.

RDMercer

I've always been a strong performer at work, no matter where I worked.

I'm really noticing in the past year that I am working slower and making a LOT of little oversights and mistakes.

I expect my co-workers are seeing this too. It's really tripping me up.

Stuff outside of work has never impacted my work performance before. This has really been noticeable this year though.

RDMercer

You are human. Don't be too hard on yourself. I find at times it can be hard to compartmentalize, and that's when I make mistakes. Not sure what kind of vacation or PTO you have, but it might be time for an actual break/vacation where you do something besides deal with the drama, actually enjoy life for a minute.

You have been under a lot of stress. What you have been going through has been very toxic.

I think that once you get the court hearings done you will begin to have a sense of relief.

I met with my lawyer on Monday. I'm in court again on Monday next week.

The original decisions can't be changed; I have guardianship, I'm in the family home.

This hearing is solely about her requesting spousal support and citing a lot of reasons why she can't work.

Something that has been crucial in all this for me, is that I texted her a lot. She found fault with me doing that, but I didn't want to NOT communicate, but once she got so angry and I could feel myself being at risk of responding poorly, I would create physical distance and speak over text.

I sent her a big text message a couple of months before we separated, saying, "What you are expecting isn't possible. The kids have already told you they won't live with you. I don't have the ability to support two households. I know your friends have talked you up with all this stuff, but what you think is going to happen just simply can't. You've said you're going to force me to pay so much that all I'll be able to afford is to rent a room in someone else's home. That isn't going to happen if the kids are with me. Please stop all these threats, and please work on reconnecting with your family."

And she replied to it.

So.... She made an adult, informed decision to leave. She was not forced out. She was not open to reconciliation.

I know she has health issues. She truly does, and I did everything I could to support her. Somehow, though, those issues haven't affected her single-girl lifestyle that she has been posting on social media, including trips and concerts.

Reading her affidavit made me sick. It was a bullet list of all her health issues and struggles, and her academic attempts, and whatever. I wrecked myself supporting her on all those things, and now they are being used against me and the kids.

For all of her flex of being a "powerful independent woman", she has no plan and no ability to be that.

I broke Monday night after reading her affidavit. I really did.

I'm scared of seeing her next Monday.

RDMercer

Deep breaths. Your lawyer has dome very well by you. I have faith that the court will send her hiking. I mean, where is this extra spousal support she wants going to come from? Your 100% supporting the kids and have to pay for their home, care, etc. If she is so unable to work then let her go file for disability.

But you don't magically have more money just because she wants more support. The court, I'm sure, is aware of your income and how it's split.

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What has your lawyer said about it & what kind of fight is he going to give in court. You have a right to know since you are paying him.
That could give you at keast some feeling of relief

Sounds like she needs to apply for disability, not spousal support. But they will definitely hold those trips and concerts against her.

My lawyer is a very smart, very scrappy young lady of color.

She 100% believes me.

She said everything my wife presented is just hearsay. Because, even if she has all these ailments that she is being treated for, she hasn't produced a letter or note or affidavit from a doctor saying she can't work. She has no history of receiving benefits or disability.

She has medications that she responded very well to and that are identified in the doctor's files, and she left behind over a year's worth of filled but not used prescriptions.

Even if she did have this history of disability, there is no magic pool of money, and I've assumed all our loans and debts, and responsibility for the family.

I'm only about 10% worried about the outcome.

What was hard was the years and years of health records and reliving everything that I had supported her through.

RDM

You truly have your "stuff" together. It's pretty obvious that you've picked up the pieces and just kept going despite her. All those responsibilities the two of you should have shared, she left you to deal with by yourself- which you've done very well. It's mind numbing that she seems to want what she wants, when she wants it, given what she has and hasn't done.

You went through a lot with her, it's no great wonder that it's tough being forced to rehash it.

((((RDM))))

Wow. Thanks

I don't see myself as having my act together, and I didn't see anything I did while with her as unusual.

I just saw there were responsibilities, and I accepted them.

And when it came to her illnesses, my heart broke for her and I took her to every doctor appointment, paid for specialists, whatever. Now it's being played against me financially. Not a drop of appreciation, or accepting her own situation or her own responsibilities.

Perhaps that's a definition of having your act together

You've taken care of the things you need to take care of, without complaint. The kids, the house, debt, etc. That says a lot about your credibility.

What could she be claiming if you hadn't done those things? Or hadn't supported her so much through her health issues? You don't neglect what's in front of you that needs attention.

Your wife has programmed you to believe you are responsible for her unhappiness. Yet your wife is abusing alcohol and had been going out with her friends to bars/clubs and had been interacting with other men but still expecting you to finance her lifestyle. Her children don’t feel safe with her and even you get triggered by her changing behaviors.

Your wife is not going to win in her attempt to get the court to make you pay for her unhealthy lifestyle. The court will see that you can’t afford to provide for your children and pay for her party lifestyle. Just because your wife thinks she is entitled doesn’t mean she is.

It's just hard to read though an affidavit about 25 years of your life and your commitment to another person.

RDMercer

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer It's just hard to read though an affidavit about 25 years of your life and your commitment to another person. RDMercer

Maybe look at it as being committed to taking care of what & where your life was at that time & being a good, responsible, caring person rather than being "just" committed to another person.

My now ex did the Dr things & hospital visits with me but just like with getting married after he graduated college, it was nothing more than a check mark for him as "the right thing to do"

Maybe reframing your "committment" might help?

Quote:

Your wife has programmed you to believe you are responsible for her unhappiness

We need to be careful with statements like this as it can promote victimhood thinking depending on the person. But it also marks a lack of a skill that needs help in the person being programmed. It can shine a light on problems of both sides of the fence that need to be addressed

RD, just so you know, divorce lawyers see these challenges constantly, you are not unique and they can see you have been a responsible dedicated husband and father.

"Maybe look at it as being committed to taking care of what & where your life was at that time & being a good, responsible, caring person rather than being "just" committed to another person.

My now ex did the Dr things & hospital visits with me but just like with getting married after he graduated college, it was nothing more than a check mark for him as "the right thing to do"

Maybe reframing your "committment" might help?"

Thanks for this Eskie. It's true, it wasn't just a check mark for me. I wanted the best for her. I wanted to see her be successful, and whole, and happy. I viewed so much of her anger and irrationalness to being sick and depressed. My son said, "I've seen you let her berate you and tear you apart for hours and you never say anything back, then when she needs you because she's sick sometimes only a couple of hours later you go look after her. I've seen you look after her and never expect anything back."

I didn't. I loved her.

I know, I had to learn and accept that the court sees a lot of cases. Mine isn't unique. Ultimately what she's looking for and expecting to get from me just doesn't exist. It's not possible. We are now a single income home. I am now a single parent. No, I can't do that on a 40% pay cut. That's what she is seeking; that she not pay child support, and that 35% of my after-tax pay goes to her.