I have a friend in another country

Violetta75 · Feb 24, 2024 at 11:13 PM

Hi, I'm a mother of two adult sons. This is a hard decision but I feel it's time for me to do something just for me. I will be moving to another country. The place will be my own rented to by a friend. We've had some disagreements in the past. But he's taught me a lot about myself. It's really hard to leave the younger son, but he constantly looks to me to fix things, I've been down this road for years. I help, he expects more. He is 23 and will be 24 this year. At that age I had many jobs, and became a mother. He does have depression, but addiction to weed is his main issue. He had jobs before, but now is unwilling to take the steps to get a job again. There are jobs available to him. I don't know how to do anything to motivate him.

They will both be upset/angry with me for leaving my country. But the older is capable and also admits he struggles with weed. I've paid his debts, helped with other things, the same for the younger.

I don't feel I'm wrong in doing this for me. It will be for a year... then, I'll see for sure how I like it there. I will finally have my own key. I know I can trust him to let me be on my own, as my landlord with my own unit he is busy building/finishing. I don't know yet how to get the things I need there but it's possible... i have a couple choices. I've visited twice, so I know the weather, history a bit, and he's been there at least 11 years. We met long ago, about that many years.

My only question, if anyone has advice, is how to tell my sons without them feeling jealous or upset. I could remind them how much I've done but that doesn't seem right to me to put that in their face. How else do I approach this without coming off as selfish? It's a decision made but could be changed. I don't want to change it. The sunshine has helped my depression so much. They are welcome to come visit me, I've tried encouraging the younger to save for a plane ticket.... I didn't tell him yet I'll have my own place. I'm worried about their reaction. The older is into his 30's and dating, he'll be ok but he didn't want to hear anything about my last vacation... it's tough I guess to see their mother enjoying herself. Although I also feel they should be happy for me to feel happy....

Nammu · Feb 24, 2024 at 11:35 PM

It’s not selfish to live your life. There was a great movie, “ Shirley Valentine” about a British woman who goes to Greece and finds fulfillment. It’s a bit different in that she’s married but she has a daughter who’s an adult but leans on mum. While mum’s away she grows up. When I was 24 I was self sufficient too. I don’t think it’s throwing in their face to say that they need to lean on each other.

Good luck and may it be all you hope for.

Tart Cherry Jam · Feb 25, 2024 at 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Violetta75

My only question, if anyone has advice, is how to tell my sons without them feeling jealous or upset.
...

The sunshine has helped my depression so much.

... They are welcome to come visit me, I've tried encouraging the younger to save for a plane ticket....

... Although I also feel they should be happy for me to feel happy....

The above are some good ideas of yours. Mention that the sunshine will help your depression. Mention that you have wanted a change for a long time and are very happy that now that they are big boys, you can finally venture out on your own while remaining close to them and always wanting to hear about how they are doing. Mention that they will always be welcome to visit and that you hope they will. Do not mention that they SHOULD be happy for you to feel happy but instead say that you are sure they WILL be happy.

I hope you enjoy!

Rive. · Feb 25, 2024 at 09:05 AM

You don't need their permission in order to have a (better) life or quality of life.

Also, being a mother does not mean that you are not entitled to find any happiness in life nor that you have to live the rest of your life being at their disposal. This is not selfish, this is healthy. They are adults and at some point, they need to fly with their own wings.

I would tell them your decision and let them feel whatever they feel, that is fine. What is not fine is to let how they feel influence what your heart wants to do. Again, they are adults. You do not have to justify yourself to them. Make your plans and do what *you* feel.

unaluna · Feb 25, 2024 at 11:17 AM

Geez. Tell them that they can have a life too, or they can have their weed. Thats what it means, that they cant have their cake and eat it too. You dont intend to flush your life down the toilet, or put it on hold any longer to accommodate their "need" for weed.

Violetta75 · Feb 25, 2024 at 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Geez. Tell them that they can have a life too, or they can have their weed. Thats what it means, that they cant have their cake and eat it too. You dont intend to flush your life down the toilet, or put it on hold any longer to accommodate their "need" for weed.

I have said that for years, you smoke weed and don't have money for food. I have had to be both mom and dad, especially for the younger, his father is no good. The older is capable but has made mistakes with other things and I bailed him out of it. Literally.

I think everyone here agrees it's ok for me to live how I want to, and yes, it helped my depression tremendously. If they can't understand, or be happy for me, it's ok. I've helped enough, sometimes too much. And they would be welcome to come see me. I'm trying to get the younger to understand he has to help himself, and I've suggested and tried a lot of things to get him help.. even got him therapy he could have used over the phone or by video. He needs to hit bottom and it hurts me, but I can't continue to ''rescue'' him. I was given advice about ''tough love'' but me being a mom, it's hard to do but must be done now or he'll never stand up for himself.

I feel sure now what I need to do. I need to feel better for once in my life. It's been a long time since I had hope for a better future. There will always be days when I'll feel a little down, it's not a ticket to complete happiness... nothing is. But it's amazing seeing how different I feel with more sunshine. Where I'm from winters are long and cold, and the rest, maybe 4 decent months of good weather. thanks all..

eskielover · Feb 27, 2024 at 08:36 AM

Personally I would just tell them that you have thought long & hard about this move & have decided it is the best move for you to make. (Period!!!!) No need to say anything more. By their age, being independent is expected & it is their problem if they aren't. We all make choices for our lives, good or bad & we ALL have to live with the consequences. It is time for you to take care of yourself & let them deal with their "failure to launch". They will either choose to launch or fail miserably but that is their choice, not yours. My daughter struggles at times & even at her age, I help if I can but she is independent & works hard, so mom's help is truly only when she really needs it.

One thought about them visiting.....give it time before that is ok or you may end up with at least one who thinks they can just move in when they visit.

rechu · Feb 27, 2024 at 11:33 AM

You've gotten some good advice. They're adults and shouldn't control what you want to do.

As someone who has lived abroad several times and who is doing it now, I just wanted to say, I hope you are researching the practical side of things. First of all, what are the visa regulations where you will be staying? A lot of countries don't just let you stay for a year on a tourist visa. And, if you will be working, you'd need a visa/work permit for that. The laws for getting one vary by country. Finally, make sure you have some savings in case things don't work out and you want to come back.

Violetta75 · Feb 28, 2024 at 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rechu

You've gotten some good advice. They're adults and shouldn't control what you want to do.

As someone who has lived abroad several times and who is doing it now, I just wanted to say, I hope you are researching the practical side of things. First of all, what are the visa regulations where you will be staying? A lot of countries don't just let you stay for a year on a tourist visa. And, if you will be working, you'd need a visa/work permit for that. The laws for getting one vary by country. Finally, make sure you have some savings in case things don't work out and you want to come back.

Thanks, this has been an idea for 2 yrs. This past year it was hard to figure out if I really wanted to do this, I could have gone back last April but I had just came back a year ago in February. I needed to figure out what I really wanted to do, work, or pay for the tourist visa type thing.. it's a fee, it's not huge but has gone up a lot over the years. It's working out to about the same price for rent I pay where I currently live in Canada. I also have a car to either sell or give to my older to take care of.

I do have savings, and if I like it after a year I could become a resident. I might not, it takes time to really know the weather, how I feel about it. Time goes fast, as I was gone, my oldest got engaged. It is something that makes me want to stay in Canada, but when/if he gets married I can fly back.

My younger is still not on his feet but he has to. If he doesn't now, he never will and will expect handouts. He's worked before...I understand depression myself, but working helps to distract and feel good, as he did before making his own money. My hope is he will realize this... and get a job. He said he's looked where he was working before making a good wage, they aren't hiring right now. I said try next week, and look at other places too. Thanks for everyone's replies.

Life is short. I loved it.. sunshine, sea air... I just can't help but wish they could, especially the younger, enjoy sunshine too. But he know's he could come visit. The older has a passport. And no, they know from pictures the country, they wouldn't move there. I don't know yet but I'm hoping to go back in about 2 months.

divine1966 · Mar 03, 2024 at 03:49 PM

Are you moving to be with a man romantically? If yes then how well do you know him?

I know plenty of women moving to distant lands to be with a man. In 9/10 cases it’s a terrible disaster.

My own daughter moved far away to be with a man. She bailed after 3-4 months. He turned out to be a total jerk and he lied about a lot of things while dating. As soon as she moved there, it was a different story. Luckily she is smart enough to immediately end it and move back.

Thankfully it’s all in the past and didn’t cause significant harm except a hassle of moving back and forth. A friend of mine moved and actually married a guy. That was bad in every way. So be careful about that

Violetta75 · 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you moving to be with a man romantically? If yes then how well do you know him?

I know plenty of women moving to distant lands to be with a man. In 9/10 cases it’s a terrible disaster.

My own daughter moved far away to be with a man. She bailed after 3-4 months. He turned out to be a total jerk and he lied about a lot of things while dating. As soon as she moved there, it was a different story. Luckily she is smart enough to immediately end it and move back.

Thankfully it’s all in the past and didn’t cause significant harm except a hassle of moving back and forth. A friend of mine moved and actually married a guy. That was bad in every way. So be careful about that

I'm glad your daughter is ok now. If it isn't clear when I said we are friends, I mean friends, not with benefits, hookups, whatever young people call it these days. I've known him a long time. We did date a bit, more just kept in touch the last few years a lot. I was never his gf, its clear that's not what he wants, and it's not what I want. So no, i'm not moving there because of him. But because he has an affordable place, and it's something , the weather and the country that I'd enjoy.... just the sunshine helps me tremendously. I've ached more and had more pain here with how dry it is. I've been back for a little while now and it's not something I'm happy with. I've thought about this seriously. Thank you though for the concern. I've been through a lot in life, I'm not naive or young. It's not for forever either, it's a chance to enjoy time. I'm making sure everything is ok for me to come back when /if I do. And I most likely will.
If I get a citizenship that wouldn't be a bad thing....I could still rent there for the winters and go back.

Rive. · Mar 05, 2024 at 07:06 AM

You are right in that yes, life is short. So, if going to sunnier climes makes you happy and you can do it (logistically, financially etc.) then go for it!

Better take a leap of faith than live a life full of regrets or 'what ifs'..

divine1966 · Mar 05, 2024 at 07:43 AM

As long as you have an option of returning home in case it won’t work out and if you can afford it, I don’t see a problem with it. Your sons are grown up

Violetta75 · Mar 25, 2024 at 02:16 PM

Just updating. I could plan all I want, but I can't control who HE is. I thought we were getting somewhere with this. He emailed me saying he was sick of my ''********''. I had simply asked for his address. I know where he lives, but I needed an actual on paper address for govt purposes to pay the monthly fee. There was no ********. I simply said after the confusion of ''I have no postal box.'' to me saying ''Well you didn't build illegally'', i need whatever you call it, I had to google what it's called, land registry, so he was offended. Weird. He then said I accused him of selling drugs. I never did. He had throat cancer, so I'm wondering if it's back and has gotten to his brain. It's not unusal that he needs to be boss of everything, I get that.

We had one fight 3 yrs ago where I showed up uninvited. Mind you I had done that before without any blowups. That time it was a blow up from him. All I could figure is he really wanted space and his alcohol. I had grabbed a beer, he flew off the handle.... I left. He complained I had asked if he could help me figure out what was wrong with my car, it kept stalling. I thought friends were there for you when you need help. I realize now, it's all business, I'm shocked really how he became so irrate over a simple question. I'm not going. I could rent from someone else, but that means being in a country not knowing anyone. He can go **** himself. It's not a surprise I guess, I lost a best gf over telling her something that was none of her business. Not to do with this. But you just don't know people. Years of friendship gone down the drain. But I won't put up with his bs and if I'm stuck at his place with no car, that could've turned him into more bossy and no help. Life is showing me not to trust anyone with stuff about myself. The more private I am about what I'm doing, saying, the better. I'm from Canada, I can handle our winters but I was so hoping for a year away for the sunshine, have some fun. I'll make my own fun here. Summers are too short here. My sons also deserve an inheritance at some point. So the money can stay in the bank for them. I'm happy he blew up in an email. Saved me from making a mistake. Thank God I have a good landlord here. He had someone lined up to rent. He said it's okay I can stay, and I did tell him a bit about my plan to move and he had said a short ''I'm cynical of it.'' I did tell him a bit about this guys personality and how he can be cruel with comments to me. Shows plans don't turn out, and maybe for the best. I'll make it happy for me here, until I need to find another room to rent. This is as close to affordable as it gets. I'm relieved.

eskielover · Mar 25, 2024 at 04:08 PM

Good you found out now before moving

divine1966 · Mar 26, 2024 at 08:12 AM

That’s good.

Mine is likely unpopular opinion but it sounded like a fantasy from the beginning and was never going to work., some supposedly “friend” whose address you don’t even know living in a random foreign country and who is nasty to you are going to accommodate you living there and you’ll be happy there. After you blow your savings. Yeah no. Wasn’t going to happen

Also wherever you go there you are. Going to some other place not going to make you happy if you are unhappy now. If you want to have fun, have fun where you are at. Grass is always greener you know

As about weather. I don’t know which province you are at but if you want nice summer I think summers are nice in a lot if Canada. Could you move to Ontario if you aren’t there already? I find the weather very nice there. Not sure how you sat that Canada is “dry.” Not sure how it’s dry. I think it’s opposite of that. Arizona is dry. Lol Where it’s dry in Canada?

Violetta75 · Mar 26, 2024 at 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s good.

Mine is likely unpopular opinion but it sounded like a fantasy from the beginning and was never going to work., some supposedly “friend” whose address you don’t even know living in a random foreign country and who is nasty to you are going to accommodate you living there and you’ll be happy there. After you blow your savings. Yeah no. Wasn’t going to happen

Also wherever you go there you are. Going to some other place not going to make you happy if you are unhappy now. If you want to have fun, have fun where you are at. Grass is always greener you know

As about weather. I don’t know which province you are at but if you want nice summer I think summers are nice in a lot if Canada. Could you move to Ontario if you aren’t there already? I find the weather very nice there. Not sure how you sat that Canada is “dry.” Not sure how it’s dry. I think it’s opposite of that. Arizona is dry. Lol Where it’s dry in Canada?

It's fine I don't mind 'unpopular opionions'. I did know his address, I had been there. I meant on paper for the govt. Anyways, yes spending my money to be happy somewhere else wasn't reasonable. He did give me what I needed but the response was so flippant it reminded me of how he can be so darn rude. I do know the grass is always greener thing. It is dry, doesn't matter where I live in Canada, if my hair is flying away with static and my skin flakes off it's dry. Had clear healthy skin there. There is a big bonus to sunshine, but it's not feasible right now until my health is better. And I'd be sure to leave most of the money to help my sons first. I don't think it's a fantasy. I could rent from anyone, and I might do that next year. I've been referred to a pain clinic so I'm getting that out of the way. I won't rent from him, not after the stupidity. And I have plenty of savings thanks. Yeah someone was right once, I'd get my feathers ruffled from time to time if I post the truth. We had our good times. It's not all bad. Unfortunately there's things that come with him and his friendship. He's a person that doesn't put up with anyones crap, and I'm not crap free as in my comments or actions. Anyways, thanks for taking time to respond.

Violetta75 · Aug 02, 2024 at 02:02 PM

I guess I feel like ending this thread, closure for me? He was getting weird in his emails. He had overcome throat cancer years ago when he was staying in Canada. I started thinking nothing is making sense, that's not how he usually is, that's not how he was, making me laugh in emails and texts, saying how he hoped I'd like it there and was finishing up the place.

He emailed me back a couple weeks ago. Said he was near death and the cancer came back. He's passed away. That's what I was thinking, it got to his brain... in a way I wish I had gone to be there for him, but I think he was ok with himself. At least I got a chance to say goodbye, he said I'm not sad, I know I'm going to heaven. I said I know you are going to heaven, I'll be sad but I'll always be grateful for the times we had and how he was there for me after a big breakup and losing my apartment. He spent a lot of time with me just being there and texting, always so witty with jokes....my dad was dying and he drove out to meet him and my family, he said my dad was really likeable guy, and my dad said he really liked him too. I know this probably doesn't matter here, I dont frequent this forum much anymore. But today my younger son who has so many problems mentally with what he's gone through, has finally made it into a shelter here that helps young people find long term housing, they have counselors, I so hope he finds the help he needs there. It's very hard here to find any shelter or affordable housing.

There are other affordable places in that country I could stay at a bit in the winters here and I might or might not do that. It does help depression, the sun seems so much brighter and walking around on a beach is really good for depression. Time will tell. Its summer so I'll make the best of things here and I'm used to enduring winters. Just wanted to make an end to this, thanks.

eskielover · Aug 02, 2024 at 02:47 PM

Thanks for letting us know. Closure is hard but good. Wishing you a good future & the best for your son. Life is always a challenge we take one day at a time

Nammu · Aug 02, 2024 at 03:41 PM

I’m sorry he’s gone. Yes it does sound like it was cancer that affected him.

Yes thanks for letting us know.

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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,913 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.8k hugs given	Feb 25, 2024 at 11:17 AM #5 Geez. Tell them that they can have a life too, or they can have their weed. Thats what it means, that they cant have their cake and eat it too. You dont intend to flush your life down the toilet, or put it on hold any longer to accommodate their "need" for weed.
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,196 11	Mar 05, 2024 at 07:06 AM #12 You are right in that yes, life is short. So, if going to sunnier climes makes you happy and you can do it (logistically, financially etc.) then go for it! Better take a leap of faith than live a life full of regrets or 'what ifs'..
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,883 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,295 hugs given	Mar 05, 2024 at 07:43 AM #13 As long as you have an option of returning home in case it won’t work out and if you can afford it, I don’t see a problem with it. Your sons are grown up
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eskielover Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Oct 2004 Location: Kentucky, USA Posts: 24,930 (SuperPoster!) 20 14.9k hugs given	Mar 25, 2024 at 04:08 PM #15 Good you found out now before moving __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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eskielover Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Oct 2004 Location: Kentucky, USA Posts: 24,930 (SuperPoster!) 20 14.9k hugs given	Aug 02, 2024 at 02:47 PM #19 Thanks for letting us know. Closure is hard but good. Wishing you a good future & the best for your son. Life is always a challenge we take one day at a time __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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Nammu Crone Member Since May 2010 Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system. Posts: 73,901 (SuperPoster!) 14 57.1k hugs given	Aug 02, 2024 at 03:41 PM #20 I’m sorry he’s gone. Yes it does sound like it was cancer that affected him. Yes thanks for letting us know. __________________ *Nammu* …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann
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