Dealing with hopeless romance

WARNING: This is a very long, and drawn out post by a deranged and probably emotionally ill man who has more than a few screws loose. You've been warned.

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. I usually go by a different alias but for sake of anonymity you can call me Gloomy or Bones. I have a very long and sentimental post for you this evening, so fair warning and apologies in advance. The topic/question I have today pertains to dealing with hopeless romance. I know this is an issue that has plagued many people over the course of human history, and despite of all the supposed methods of solution, no ones ever developed one that truly works. No matter how many years pass, whether the person has been deceased, in another relationship, or otherwise, those feelings never truly fade. They remain dormant within you for the rest of your life. That is how I feel at the moment.

To provide further context, I'd like to tell you about her. This is the part that will be long, so if you're not interested in the ramblings of an emotional fool typing this at 2AM, you're free to skip. For sake of anonymity I'll be referring to her as Lockshock, or just Lock. I met Lockshock in freshman year of High School, which is a startling 6 years ago. I cherish so many memories from those days, but there was one in particular that stands out among the rest. I was having some problems with another female student, an ex, someone who despite my attempts at moving forward with my life, tried everything they could to sour my reputation. They lead a rather aggressive smear campaign which I eventually put an end to when I showed the screenshots of the emotionally abusive and manipulative texts she'd send me. It was through this conflict that made Lock approach me one day after biology class. To this day I experienced such an unexplainable phenomenon. The moment I saw her face and we locked eyes, everything around me when out of focus. Her gaze introduced a vibrance to my life that I'd lost after a series of unfortunate relationships. To this day I still believe she's the prettiest woman on the planet. If I had the option between her or any supermodel, there would be no contest. From the softness to her hands, to the smell of her perfume, to the fluffiness of her hair. I don't know if this is was they call blasian persuasion, but whatever it was had me under her spell from that day forward.

We eventually became friends, and despite the emotional state I was in, I felt like my good old self again around her. I felt so free, so unrestricted, like nothing could hurt me as long as she was around. There wasn't a day that passed when she wouldn't be the first person I looked for. In the morning, at lunch, at the bus circle. I began to chase any chance just to see her face and relishing every interaction we had. It got to a point where I would even stay after school for Homework club with her just so we can't get a few more hours together. Being able to lay my head in her lap while she'd play with her Nintendo Switch or play with my hair. What I wouldn't do to have that right now... Despite our bond it would be a while before we started dating. Between her dating some other guys and me dating some other girls, it was always a game of will they or will they not. It wasn't until the end of the year that we started dating, the day before we went on summer break. I thought she and I would have the world to ourselves that summer!

And then she changed schools. She moved, and although it wasn't far by any stretch of the imagination, it was still miles for two broke and jobless teens. The distance was only exasperated by her toxic family dynamic, it became apparent to me that this was never going to work out. Alas, I held out as long as I could. When she would disappear for weeks at a time without word (a habit that persists even to this day), I would wait for her texts like a housewife waiting for her husband to come home from war. I knew things weren't going well and likely never would, so I had to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I broke up with her. I had to for both of ours sake, because I'm someone who values quality time and physical touch, two things made impossible by the circumstances that divided us. To this day I still regret that decision, and my mouth to Gods ears was it soul crushing to do in the moment. I feared I would live to regret it, and boy did I, but it was a learning experience that I needed.

Then a great deal of time passes. We generally go our separate ways, living our own lives void of each other. Although we spoke, albeit infrequently to check up on one another, I don't think there was ever a point where I truly lost any and all feelings for her. We both got into our own relationships, and I was in one for a whopping three years (which is a horrific, disastrous can of worms in its own right). Some where in those years Lock had gotten into a relationship that people my age (and those who have seen Across the Spider-verse) would consider a "canon event." For the uninitiated, in laymen's terms, a canon event is an event or series of events that has every individual has to go through to progress in life. For example: first love, first heartbreak, death of a loved one, etc. These canon events, or experiences, make up what we know as the human condition. Locks canon event was a relationship with someone who manipulated and backstabbed her, despite fooling her into thinking he was someone who truly cared for her. Perhaps this is ignorance on my part, but I speculate this had (and is currently having) a lasting effect on her outlook on relationships, or love in general.

That brings us to now. It was only last November that I built up the courage to tell her how I feel, and how I've felt all of these years. Lo and behold she holds feelings for me too! All should be fine and dandy, right? As some of you probably saw coming, that statement has a "but" at the end of it. To avoid any misinterpretation I'll copy and paste the message directly for you all. "In all truth, I can't mentally process a relationship right now, and I'm dearly sorry for that. This also didn't irritate me, this brought a smile to my lips. It means a lot that you feel this way, yet it hurts me that I can't handle an actual relationship as of currently. I do hold feelings for you too". The months following have been.. confusing? To clarify I was never upset with her choice nor her reasoning, as I can relate to it myself. Life has thrown a serious series of curveballs that would give Roger Clemens a run for his money. It's been rough for me for the past 4ish years, but I know it's been hell for her since pretty much birth. Despite her dysfunction I still love everything about her, as I'm a full believer you can't love someone at their best without loving them at their worst (with reasonable exceptions of course). It really does feel like waiting at an empty beach at night for someone to show up, but no one does, and you're all alone with your thoughts. If I had it my way I'd see her every day, but that isn't a luxury afforded to me. Currently I'm beginning my transition back into academics and pursuing higher education, as well as seeking some part time employment while I juggle school. I know the smartest thing is to develop myself so that if she's ready to start a relationship, I'm financially capable of sustaining myself to do so. Lock has expressed a desire to not only move out, but get a place together. Now, she didn't specify whether this was as a couple or as roommates, but frankly I'd be happy with either or.

I guess I should wrap this up, this is already inconsiderately long and its pushing 4AM as I'm blabbering on. I guess my real question is, what can I do? I know I'll get the obvious answers like "work on yourself," which believe me, I am doing so daily. I'll also likely get the "move on" comments, and I've tried, but the mere thought of her is enough to reignite all the feelings I've had for her. Even if it feels like loving someone that doesn't exist, just being able to speak to her is a privilege that yI don't take for granted, especially with how fickle life is. Have you ever felt the same way? I wish I could say typing this out made me feel a little better, but it isn't, because it's things I've already pondered to myself for countless hours. I'm hoping to see things from a different perspective, just hopefully ones that aren't simply give up and move on. Anyways, I sincerely thank you for reading this and I'm looking forward to reading your responses. I'm sorry again if this is too long.

TLDR: I've been madly in love with the same girl for 6 years and I'm no closer to a long term relationship now than I was then.

"I'd pick your thunder; I'd pick your rain over anyone else's sunshine any day.