Acceptance - How to Cut the Cord When You're Addicted

Backtracked yesterday and called him in the hospital. Called him at the hospital payphone after I was fighting everything in me not to. When I spoke to him, and heard him try and justify all the using, saying that he just goes and "hangs out" once a month and it's not a big deal. He sounded very disorganized and non-apologetic.

Now more than ever, I know I am making the right decision, and I needed the reinforcement of knowing that we are headed in two different directions. I no longer felt that rush in calling him, the whole thing was kind of sad actually. I do love him still, but this holding on to a dream of the honeymoon of the past is just an exercise in futility. Talked to my friend about it and he said not to beat myself up about the phone call, just be aware of the lesson to be learned.

Cutting the cord is getting easier, because he is making it easier.

Your friend's advice was the same as mine would be. You still care about him. Nothing wrong with that. Still, contact with him reinforces your realization that he is going in the direction he's going in. It is very sad. It's okay to feel some compassion for him. That doesn't mean you have to join him on his trip to hell. Who knows whether he even has the capacity to live differently? As you heard, his whole mindset is to keep going in a wrong direction. So he's not changing anytime soon. He probably misses you, but he's not going to change to get you back. His priority is to first cling to his substance abuse and all that goes with that. It's good that you are choosing a different direction. For you, there is hope.

Separating from him will not always feel as hard as it does now. You have a process to go through. You'll get there.

Thanks @Rose76 - there is so much wisdom in your words. I am at work right now, thinking of calling him again, but then every time I look at my phone, I stop myself because I know what will be on the other end of it. There is no point in going back and forth. You're right, I will never stop caring for him, but our lives are in totally different directions now.

Thanks for always being kind and not judging me, it's easy to say, "oh you need to just move on" without knowing how it actually feels to break free from such an intense relationship. What we had was so extreme it's really hard to get over, but like you said, I don't have to join him in his descent into the darkness that he's going.

To withdraw from someone you care about is awfully hard. You may feel compelled to check on him, but it would be good to set some limitations. I would suggest that work might be a place and time to detach. Let your priority at work be . . . work. Sometimes it's good to compartmentalize. Personally, I never liked phone conversations with anyone, while I was at my job. Any contact you have with him has the potential to be upsetting. Don't set yourself up for such upset, while your focus is needed to be on your job.

If he is still hospitalized, that is curbing his tendency to get in trouble. Perhaps he's still recovering. He may seem to be in a better frame of mind. That won't last.

You also don't want to be guilty of using him to obtain some transient emotional solace for yourself. That would be unfair to him, if you have decided to move on.

If your resolve weakens, ask yourself this: Is there a way to get away from his bad behavior without getting away from him? In my case, I told my guy that I absolutely would not be around him when he drank. I stuck to that. I told him I would not be on the phone with him, if he called while drinking. He tested that. I stuck to my decision. He was a spree drinker, so he had sober intervals. We spent time together when he was sober. Like I related above, he got into recovery, and our relationship survived. He didn't recover for my sake. He did it for himself because his health was deteriorating. He also had a track record of having lived successfully for years before he got into heavy alcohol abuse. You have to look at your husband's track record. Has he ever demonstrated the capacity to handle responsibility? That might give you a reality check on what his potential is.

I don't doubt he has some virtues. You wouldn't have fallen so hard for him, if he didn't have his good side. But you have to look at the totality of what being with him involves. Picture your life, as you want to live it. Then consider whether you can live that life, while accommodating his substance abuse and all that goes with that. The younger you are, the more essential it is that you choose wisely. I say that because, when you are young, life offers so many options. When you choose a poor option, you could be turning away from some way better possibilities. Sometimes you have to rule out what you don't want, in order to eventually discover what you do want.

You're so right, @Rose76 - so sorry it's taken me so long to come back here and post, I wanted to gather my feelings and emotions together first. There is no way of getting away from his bad behaviors without getting away from him - the two are so intertwined. He has no sense of responsibility, and he basically lives in a delusional world most of the time. He is forever stuck in the past, and I think that when we were both recklessly in love the appeal of it was what drew me in - who wouldn't want to live as if they were 17 and in love again and wanted it to last forever?

But the fantasy of it wore off, and the reality of what I actually married set in. You have such wise words @Rose76 you have no idea how you have helped me. Ruling out what I don't want for my future, and looking at my life now is what has been my saving Grace, and even though I backtracked a few times and you're right giving him that false sense of hope because I am looking for some emotional solace is unfair, so I stopped doing it. He even told me to stop sending him "mixed messages" during our last conversation, (which was beyond painful), so I will respect it. Calling him for a sense of closure, or calling him just to hear his voice, to get that "hit" that I crave, is just what an addict does, which I know I am. Being sober doesn't mean I have stopped all my addictions cold turkey; I am currently working on the one with food.

Ultimately, he does have a really good side, which is hard to get over. He was the most passionate and affectionate man I had ever met, who fawned over me like I was a princess in the fantasy world that we had created. But the harsh reality set in when Prince Charming becomes "The Beast" and all he can think about is his next "hit" which is very different from my own version of that. The good news is what you reminded me of: that I am young enough that there ARE still possibilities out there for me, and even though I know I am nowhere near ready yet, my heart is hopeful that it will heal.

Thank you so much to all you ladies who have walked through the fire with me on this, @eskielover @TheGal @divine1966 @TishaBuv @HaveHope @unaluna @Nammu

I know some of you weren't on this thread with me, but I do know how much you've helped me along this journey since I've been back on this site. I deeply appreciate it.

I have a lot of hope for you. Though I don't know him, I have compassion for your husband. All you can do about him is to "Let go, and let God." Fixing him is utterly beyond you. Your responsibility is to fix your own life. I think you are on your way.

Sending hugs. You are very strong. You calling him and having hard time letting go is understandable. You can care for his well being. You don’t need to become uncaring and callous. But you also don’t need his regular presence in your life. You can detach with love and wish him well from the distance while you focus on your own recovery and your own well being.

Maybe when you feel like calling him, go to a meeting. And maybe in addition to AA you can join Al Anon. That could help to look at the issue from two different perspectives.

I have a lot of fight left in me, @Rose76 , @divine1966 - thank you ladies for your supportive words. I had a real good cry tonight - like a real, call out to the universe, on my knees, buried in my hands CRY. I haven't cried since all this has been going on, and I feel like I have finally let it all out.

I thought of all the times he kissed me, all the happy times, when there wasn't so much darkness. Remembering his last words being, "please" right before I hung up. I will always have a special place in my heart for him, so I will mourn for him. Al Anon is a great idea, I will look into it - because he is an addict that I love that I couldn't help and I couldn't save. Whether or not he is in his right mind or not, he rescued me. He rescued me from a life of darkness, where I stood at my computer day in and day out, never going outside, never meeting people, feeling really bad about myself. I spent 15 years like that.

But when I met him, yes I spiraled down into a path of disaster, but it brought me to North Carolina - where my parents are 40 minutes away, my friends are close by, my phone is filled with REAL LIFE people that I can call and go visit with my beautiful car that I was able to pay for. I am able to stand on my own two feet, pay my rent, pay my bills, look around my apartment in contentment.

Through all of that, he went on that journey with me, and now that I am walking alone on a different path from him, my prayers will always will be with him. I still hear him talking to me and kissing me on my forehead in the morning before he went to work, or slow dancing in the rain to my car stereo. He showed me romance. I never knew it before.

Now that I know it is real, I have something to look forward to in the future. Where I thought it was impossible to find once, I know I will find it again.

The cord has been finally cut. I feel so free

Things have been going well, but I had a setback. The other night, I was scrolling through my pictures and came across the most recent picture I have of him. His mom took it a month ago. His face just looked so happy and innocent - it looked like his weight was going up too and his face started to look full - he look genuinely happy. I don't know what it was, but I just started bawling. Like really bawling, like my whole life was falling apart because my heart ached so much. I kept crying out "I miss you baby, so much"

I am reminded that he is not getting better from him mom. I spoke to her yesterday because she called me to thank me for her mother's day card. She will always be a mom to me because of how her messages and letters kept me going in jail - she did more for me than my own parents did at that time. She informed me that Giovanni still thinks it's no big deal to go "hang out and use drugs once a month" he still doesn't get it at all. He hasn't mentioned me at all to her or the fact that my number had changed. As much as I am hurting, it is just confirmation that I absolutely made the right decision. His mom even said to keep by my stance of not ever reaching out to him because he honestly is still not in a good place with his mental health or sobriety and has no intention of making a change.

This still really hurts. This isn't the first time I have broken down like this. Wednesday when I saw my sponsor, I bawled like a baby right there in the Barnes and Nobles where we were having lunch. She said that I am expecting too much from myself - that honestly its only been 5 months since I last saw him and only a couple weeks since we spoke. It will take time to experience this grief. I didn't want to call it grief because he didn't die, but the relationship itself did in fact die. I never really ever experienced grief before, but I imagine this is what it feels like - maybe I am just stuffing my feelings too much and just keeping too busy? Because these breakdowns keep catching me by surprise.

Maybe you are lucky to feel the good feelings because when I saw photos of my husband after I left the 33 year marriage, I just wanted to puke

Backtracked, yet AGAIN.

This time I am not going to beat myself up about it. It was a very emotional Mother's Day. I sent Giovanni's mom flowers, and she called me to give me an update on his situation. Apparently, he will be leaving the hospital in two weeks to go to another community residence. God be with him as she hopes as well as I do, that he does the right thing, even though his track record shows the complete opposite.

I had such an urge to call today so I did. I wanted to wish him well and let him know that I still care. I wanted the closure that I didn't get last month with that horrible last phone call we had. He sounded really sad but was really happy to hear from me. I think we are both at a place of acceptance now. He can't contact me, and that was the whole point. I am still deep in my heartache, but I am not going to beat myself up about reaching out, because I felt the need to.

Only time will tell how things will turn out, but for now, I can close that chapter at least for today.

I wonder if it is helpful for you to ask updates about him? It only seems to set you back.

By all means call his mom but it is hard to move forward when reminders to the past only serve to keep us anchored back there, with all the pain that that entails.

So, this has been an interesting week. I haven't called Giovanni again or reached out to his mother. I have decided to completely shut the door there. I won't be reaching out. You're right @Rive. getting updates isn't helpful at all - in fact it was that update that provoked me to call him up at the hospital in the first place.

My aunt used to use a crass saying that I have heard before: "the only way to get over a man is to get underneath another one." LOL. Where I am not going that extreme with her advice I have made a huge leap forward in that direction.

I met someone. Well, I know someone in my life that has recently become more than a friend. It was totally unexpected and out of left field. I have been battling with guilty feelings over moving on, but it has been 6 months already. I honestly wanted to give myself a year to wait for another relationship, and I don't it to be a rebound situation, so I have been being very cautious. My good friend said not to swear off men completely, but keep your heart open to new possibilities, then BAM the same night things start to evolve this new guy. God works in very mysterious ways, and it is in His timing, so I am going to trust my instinct and go for it. I just being very careful about it.

As guilty as I feel and as much as I am battling with it, it has been very good to feel real feelings for someone again.

I'd read Baggage Reclaim blog by Natalie Lue.

Here's an example of an article that is about how values are different than interests, how to understand your core values:

Understanding your core values in relationships (no they're not your common interests)

Just know that you're probably going to date around a bit before you settle down. Know that the "love effect" is addictive, and we tend to "idealize" our love interest and negate red flags.

And you want to know that you're with someone who has similar values to yours when you do settle down.

It's very early days... I would say it's a coincidence you met this person you're now interested in, rather than put it down to God's mysterious ways... It's way too early to make a big statement like that, save that one for your wedding day when you've found a tried and true life partner.

Probably a good idea to get the divorce taken care of before getting deep into another relationship. Dealing with that legal crap & the emotions can challenge a new relationship because it does bring up the past even if your husband is a now show for the court

Thanks so much for the great advice @TheGal - There is no talk of settling down happening at all. This is just a friend that is turning out to be more. I will see how I feel about it as things progress. I honestly am just happy I am not so miserable torturing myself anymore.

Some developments have arose when I checked into it @eskielover - there is a really good chance we are not legally married. I was so deep in addiction at the time that after the ceremony was done, I might have not filed the paperwork with the courts. Currently, there is no record, but I am going to keep digging to make sure.

@LadyShadow

Quote:

Some developments have arose when I checked into it - there is a really good chance we are not legally married. I was so deep in addiction at the time that after the ceremony was done, I might have not filed the paperwork with the courts. Currently, there is no record, but I am going to keep digging to make sure.

That would be awesome. One less issue to deal with

Your sponsor sounds like a source of sensible feedback. Keep up with your meetings and with your sponsor contact. Invest in getting to know others who are sincerely working a program to stay clean and sober. You are safer, in these group scenarios, than in a one-on-one situation where a dependency can develop prematurely. Knowing anyone takes time . . . and then more time.

I told you about my boyfriend's recovery. It was a success story that gladdened my heart. He deserved the main credit for turning his life around. However, I do believe I helped enable his recovery.

I wanted to help my brother, who had serious substance issues among other problems. I loved him, and I tried. I couldn't save him. He recently passed away, possibly from heavy drug and alcohol use, on top of poor health. I grieve. I want to turn back time. I want another chance to try and help him. At Al-Anon they tell me I was powerless. Your ex may be heading for tragedy. The thing to know is that neither you, nor I, can choose what path another adult will follow. When the path involves serious substance abuse, the person is headed in a bad direction. Some stories have very sad endings . . . and that's just that.

Your responsibility is to work your program and choose a good path for you to move along on. You do not want to be on the path your ex is on. You do not have to join him in what may end up being a tragic outcome of countless bad decisions. People like your ex and my brother have a tendency to blame everyone they know for how they end up. Do not ever let that be put on you. I could not save my brother, when he would not alter the path he was on. You cannot save your ex. It is heartbreaking to know someone is self-destructing. Sometimes we are just helpless, and that can hurt something awful. I don't judge your ex or my brother. Maybe some damaged people just don't have the capacity to change. We grieve over them. Then we figure out what we can do to make sense in our own lives.

Still working my program and doing all I need to do to stay sober. The cord I haven't been able to cut is the one with Giovanni's mom. I love that woman, mostly because how she kept me going when I was in jail. We don't talk often at all, in fact the entire month of July she was silent, as I moved on with my life.

Till two weeks ago.

She's called me twice. Once to tell me he got beat up real bad, and again to tell me he went BACK and got beat up a second time. Nothing will stop him from using if he doesn't get himself killed out there. I wrote him a letter and sent it in the middle of all of this, but I am still keeping it at no contact phone wise. I never responded to his letter back in June, and didn't wish him a happy birthday after it passed, I kind of tried to move forward with my life and concentrate on my boyfriend.

Things have improved. I said my goodbyes in that letter and told him I've moved on. I haven't heard from his mom again.

I guess I resurrected this thread because I still have him in my heart. I don't want to see him hurt; I cried a lot the day I found out he got beat up the second time. I know I can't save him, but oh, do I want to. Just trying to move forward in the meantime, and keep myself accountable. Just wish God would grant him peace.