Acceptance - How to Cut the Cord When You're Addicted

So, I have been back and forth with this for months, but I have to hold myself accountable. I reached out to my husband on a Google Voice number when I had a really bad day at work, (I almost quit), because I needed the reassurance and the comfort that I know he could give me, hence my relapse in this toxic addiction to this man.

Obviously, it was a bad move.

Fast forward just four days, and he already sold his Medicaid card with his foodstamps on it and also sold the third cell phone in two months. When will I learn? I changed my number, I blocked him everywhere, why do I hold on to this man? Is it the letters he sends me in the mail? Is the memories I hold onto?

Accountability starts now. I must accept that this is a dead-end toxic relationship that I can't make excuses for anymore. I just wish my heart wasn't so broken and I wasn't such in a vulnerable state.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change........

I must accept that this is who is he is and always was. I must accept that I deserve better than this. I must accept that I am the one holding the whip and whipping myself in this relationship....

((( LadyShadow )))

It sounds like you're in the process of grieving.

Allow yourself the time and space to grieve.

According to Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim, one grieves the loss of an old identity. grieving the loss of your relationship Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Thanks so much @TheGal - it's been a struggle for sure. I like the article you shared, it really put things into perspective. Looking forward to my CODA meeting tomorrow, I think it will help a lot.

The CoDA meeting will no doubt help., LadyShadow...

Let us know how you're doing with your process...

You are very brave... hang on to that...

I really appreciate your support @TheGal - from what I know he is still out there using drugs. He is playing with his life hurting those who love him. I dread that phone call one day - but at the same time, I wish him peace. He has been tortured for so long. But all I can do is move on with my life and take care of myself.

(((( LadyShadow ))))

I'm sorry you are in the painful process of detaching from someone you thought would be your main source of love and warmth. I went through something like that myself. I had spent seven years living with a man who drank too much. When it got to where he was coming home drunk every second night, I was getting crazy. He borrowed my car to get to work. After he left, his supervisor at work called. She said she was really sorry he didn't feel well, but they were short at the job and could he possibly make it in. I walked to the nearest bar and saw my car parked outside. I went in and took the keys from him. A few days later, I moved into a separate apartment of my own. I was heartbroken moving out. I still loved him. Your husband sounds somewhat like my boyfriend. My guy had trouble holding a job and had a history of drinking himself into homelessness, repeatedly. I worried what would happen to him. Plus when he was sober, he was my best friend in the world.

Getting away from him worked out way better than I expected. I told him we could still be friends, but that I would have nothing to do with him while he was drinking. Well, our story had a surprising ending. Within two years, he got very sick and decided to stop drinking. We got close again. Our relationship survived, and we had many years together, until he passed away.

I'm glad I had never married him. If I had, we would have ended up divorced. That would have been the end of our relationship. Instead, I kept my options open. You are married, and that changes things a bit. Still, I don't know that you have to limit yourself to two options - stay married and put up with his craziness, or exit the marriage and never have anything to do with him again.

If your husband has been a source of reassurance and comfort, as you say, then I wouldn't characterize your attachment to him as "toxic addiction." It sounds like the two of you have been in love. Love, alone, is not a sufficient reason to stay with someone. I left my guy, even though I still loved him. Toxic is a word that can mean all kinds of different things. I don't like using that word because it's awfully imprecise. I'm sure there are very specific ways of behaving on his part that make him impossible to build a life with. You listed some specific things he's done that leave me convinced that he is very irresponsible and incapable of being much of a partner. Focus on those specific behaviors, as why you need to cut yourself loose from this partnership. It's even okay for you to still love him. But you have to physically separate yourself from him and his profound problems. Clearly, he has very big problems, related to really bad choices he's been making and intends to keep making.

I got to a point where I told my guy, "I love you, and I'll pray for you. However, I cannot be with you." It sounds like that's where you're at. You don't have to despise him. You don't have to treat him, or talk about him, with contempt. But you need to get your life free of the craziness he brings to it. He sounds like a guy who will bring craziness into the lives of anyone who he is involved with. You're probably not the only person who doesn't want him around. His presence is going to be welcomed only by others who live as crazy as he does. I'm not saying you should give him false hope that you're standing by, waiting for him to straighten out. That may never happen. You have a right to move on.

I think the ^ is sound and practical advice from someone who has walked in your shoes, LadyShadow.

I can't tell you enough how I appreciate your words @Rose76 - there is no doubt that there is love there, I always thought that love was all you needed to make a relationship work, but now I see how wrong that is now. Your experience helps shed a lot of light on what is happening right now with us. I am so glad you were finally able to come back together with your guy, and I can only hope that maybe one day we will be able to come together again.

I have reserved myself to the fact that it's really over. He reappeared last night at his mom's house, and she called the sheriff to have him taken to the psych ward. The days ahead will be hard because he has nowhere to go, and no one wants to be around him because of all the craziness like you noticed. This includes me. I need to move on, you're right about that, I deserve that much.

Feeling a bit sad today. I know I cut the cord, but my mind wanders on my husband a lot. I keep thinking of him in that hospital, lost, alone and without me. It hurts a lot, my mind tells me this is the absolute right decision that I am doing, but my heart is just broken.

The fact of the matter is, there was no lack of love between us - a friend of mind told me that what me and my husband had was passion not real love, real love has a foundation and respect for one another built over time - something I need to learn to have for myself.

Still I am feeling bad. I miss him so much, and as the days pass, the pain gets less, but overall I haven't had to deal with a broken heart in a really long time.

It's just healing from here. But right now, I am hurting.

Backtracking a lot today. Broke down and texted his mom to see how he was doing. She gave me the payphone numbers at the hospital where he's at. It is taking every last ounce of strength to not call, but I'm not. Going to try and stay busy and pray about it. I need help, I feel like a drug addict myself right now.

Having a better day today. Did not reach out and call him when last night I really thought I would. His mom called me this morning to apologize for giving me those payphone numbers because she knew I was trying to keep my distance. I am doing the best I can, but it really feels like giving up a really bad drug habit, and I am going through withdrawals.

Delete those numbers.

Tear down the paper those numbers are written on and throw it out.

Get 'addicted' to something else such as your own mental and emotional wellbeing and a chance at happiness. Then (re)-commit to it. Every single day. Moment to moment.

Thanks so much @Rive. I needed to see that. I have been going back and forth for a bit, but the nails got driven on the coffin of this relationship today when I went through the humiliating experience of going down to jail to give my DNA for probation for these horrible charges that I carry that my husband got away with. If ever I needed a reminder that it's absolutely crazy to hold on to this man, this was it.

I guess I am thankful that I was so fed up with my husband when I left I didn't care if i ever saw or talked to him again. When it gets to that point it's easy to not be addicted even though it was my first time ever living alone at 54.

He did come to my farm with my daughter for Christmas that year (long story). Nice Christmas but it just reinforced why I left & I kicked him out early in Jan & never saw him again for 11 years. Had mail forwarded to my farm for that christmas trip. Good thing or he would have covered up the 2nd notice from the IRS. Good thing he was 2100 miles away when I found out he covered up the first notice. It was strange to never miss someone I had been with for 33 years but it was such a relief to be outta there I only thought about establishing my new life in a new town where I didn't know anyone. It was a good way to start the 2nd half of my life over.

It's not easy to "unlove" someone. Actually you don't have to unlove him. You mainly need to just stay detached from him. In time your warm emotions will cool down. Keeping away from him will help that to happen.

He's going to have worsening problems. As his life spins further out of control, you'll be increasingly glad that you're not tied to such a loser. I'm afraid that's what he is. It may be that this is all he is capable of right now. No need to judge him. You only have to judge whether his way of living is acceptable to you. If it were, you'd be headed in a bad direction yourself.

I have never had an addiction, which I am aware of, but the closest large metropolitan to me, had a place that medically detoxed folks. It was for low income people without proper medical insurance. When I was still healthy enough to do it, I volunteered 15-20 hours/week there. I will tell you, places like that love to see medical doctors, who will volunteer walk through the doors. I did this for some time, we received extra training and I learned all about AA and NA. For those suffering from addiction, those in your life that still do that, are kind of like a black hole in space. They will hold you and you will never get away from it, under that kind of pull and still being exposed to it. This is one of those times when a person just simply must put themselves and their health at the top of the hierarchy of things, and pull away from them. It can be painful but there are just times in life where YOU MUST COME FIRST TO YOU. Addiction is a disease that each person who has one must deal with it themselves. It is a hard process and dead weight on your back like that makes it virtually impossible. It is not being selfish, it is being prudent and practicing common sense.

Just want to send strength and comfort your way! I believe you may be codependent with this ex of yours and also trauma bonded. Look up the trauma bond. It forms in the victims of abuse and functions exactly like an addiction, whereby you feel you can’t get by without them and need them. It’s the false promises of change that keep the abuse victim bonded and hopeful. Work on self love and healing. It’s the pathway forward. Fill yourself up with all that you enjoy about life. Get out there and live!!! You were in jail, you’re free now. Soak up that freedom and steer clear of this toxic thing/relationship. Focus on YOU…
By doing that, you break the trauma bond and the addiction to him. See him for who he truly is. Don’t hold onto potential. Let go. It’s not healthy for you. Focus on health, recovery and making progress forward. My words of advice, having been in a severely abusive marriage and after breaking free of my addiction to my ex.

Thanks so much you guys for all the wonderful advice! Every day gets better and better, although there are thoughts of him that creep in. I think the problem @Rose76 is that I was trying to unlove him when now I know that is quite impossible. Just accepting that I have to detach myself from him is the real reality that I have to face.

Thanks for all the strength and comfort @Have Hope - I do believe we have a trauma bond, and on my other thread about this I talk a lot about CODA - I try to go to a Codependency Anonymous group at least once a week. I absolutely know I am codependent, I've known for a long time, just never did anything about it, or even owned up to it. I know I am addicted too, because two weeks ago when I called him, I immediately felt a rush of relief, as if I took a hit of a drug or something - as good as that feeling was, I identified right away because that feeling felt all too familiar.

It has been exactly 10 days since I have spoken to him, and each day gets easier. I celebrated my three-year sober anniversary yesterday with friends and have been trying my best to enjoy life post relationship. Some days are better than others, but my mind does drift on him from time to time.

Backtracked yesterday and called him in the hospital. Called him at the hospital payphone after I was fighting everything in me not to. When I spoke to him, and heard him try and justify all the using, saying that he just goes and "hangs out" once a month and it's not a big deal. He sounded very disorganized and non-apologetic.

Now more than ever, I know I am making the right decision, and I needed the reinforcement of knowing that we are headed in two different directions. I no longer felt that rush in calling him, the whole thing was kind of sad actually. I do love him still, but this holding on to a dream of the honeymoon of the past is just an exercise in futility. Talked to my friend about it and he said not to beat myself up about the phone call, just be aware of the lesson to be learned.

Cutting the cord is getting easier, because he is making it easier.

Your friend's advice was the same as mine would be. You still care about him. Nothing wrong with that. Still, contact with him reinforces your realization that he is going in the direction he's going in. It is very sad. It's okay to feel some compassion for him. That doesn't mean you have to join him on his trip to hell. Who knows whether he even has the capacity to live differently? As you heard, his whole mindset is to keep going in a wrong direction. So he's not changing anytime soon. He probably misses you, but he's not going to change to get you back. His priority is to first cling to his substance abuse and all that goes with that. It's good that you are choosing a different direction. For you, there is hope.

Separating from him will not always feel as hard as it does now. You have a process to go through. You'll get there.

Thanks @Rose76 - there is so much wisdom in your words. I am at work right now, thinking of calling him again, but then every time I look at my phone, I stop myself because I know what will be on the other end of it. There is no point in going back and forth. You're right, I will never stop caring for him, but our lives are in totally different directions now.

Thanks for always being kind and not judging me, it's easy to say, "oh you need to just move on" without knowing how it actually feels to break free from such an intense relationship. What we had was so extreme it's really hard to get over, but like you said, I don't have to join him in his descent into the darkness that he's going.

To withdraw from someone you care about is awfully hard. You may feel compelled to check on him, but it would be good to set some limitations. I would suggest that work might be a place and time to detach. Let your priority at work be . . . work. Sometimes it's good to compartmentalize. Personally, I never liked phone conversations with anyone, while I was at my job. Any contact you have with him has the potential to be upsetting. Don't set yourself up for such upset, while your focus is needed to be on your job.

If he is still hospitalized, that is curbing his tendency to get in trouble. Perhaps he's still recovering. He may seem to be in a better frame of mind. That won't last.

You also don't want to be guilty of using him to obtain some transient emotional solace for yourself. That would be unfair to him, if you have decided to move on.

If your resolve weakens, ask yourself this: Is there a way to get away from his bad behavior without getting away from him? In my case, I told my guy that I absolutely would not be around him when he drank. I stuck to that. I told him I would not be on the phone with him, if he called while drinking. He tested that. I stuck to my decision. He was a spree drinker, so he had sober intervals. We spent time together when he was sober. Like I related above, he got into recovery, and our relationship survived. He didn't recover for my sake. He did it for himself because his health was deteriorating. He also had a track record of having lived successfully for years before he got into heavy alcohol abuse. You have to look at your husband's track record. Has he ever demonstrated the capacity to handle responsibility? That might give you a reality check on what his potential is.

I don't doubt he has some virtues. You wouldn't have fallen so hard for him, if he didn't have his good side. But you have to look at the totality of what being with him involves. Picture your life, as you want to live it. Then consider whether you can live that life, while accommodating his substance abuse and all that goes with that. The younger you are, the more essential it is that you choose wisely. I say that because, when you are young, life offers so many options. When you choose a poor option, you could be turning away from some way better possibilities. Sometimes you have to rule out what you don't want, in order to eventually discover what you do want.

You're so right, @Rose76 - so sorry it's taken me so long to come back here and post, I wanted to gather my feelings and emotions together first. There is no way of getting away from his bad behaviors without getting away from him - the two are so intertwined. He has no sense of responsibility, and he basically lives in a delusional world most of the time. He is forever stuck in the past, and I think that when we were both recklessly in love the appeal of it was what drew me in - who wouldn't want to live as if they were 17 and in love again and wanted it to last forever?

But the fantasy of it wore off, and the reality of what I actually married set in. You have such wise words @Rose76 you have no idea how you have helped me. Ruling out what I don't want for my future, and looking at my life now is what has been my saving Grace, and even though I backtracked a few times and you're right giving him that false sense of hope because I am looking for some emotional solace is unfair, so I stopped doing it. He even told me to stop sending him "mixed messages" during our last conversation, (which was beyond painful), so I will respect it. Calling him for a sense of closure, or calling him just to hear his voice, to get that "hit" that I crave, is just what an addict does, which I know I am. Being sober doesn't mean I have stopped all my addictions cold turkey; I am currently working on the one with food.

Ultimately, he does have a really good side, which is hard to get over. He was the most passionate and affectionate man I had ever met, who fawned over me like I was a princess in the fantasy world that we had created. But the harsh reality set in when Prince Charming becomes "The Beast" and all he can think about is his next "hit" which is very different from my own version of that. The good news is what you reminded me of: that I am young enough that there ARE still possibilities out there for me, and even though I know I am nowhere near ready yet, my heart is hopeful that it will heal.

Thank you so much to all you ladies who have walked through the fire with me on this, @eskielover @TheGal @divine1966 @TishaBuv @HaveHope @unaluna @Nammu

I know some of you weren't on this thread with me, but I do know how much you've helped me along this journey since I've been back on this site. I deeply appreciate it.