Issues involving mother and boyfriend

Hi,
I am well into my thirties and having issues where my mother oversteps the line, makes insulting remarks about my boyfriend (never to his face), and it gets me to the point where I just blow up. Nothing seems to deter her. My mom seems to think he should be doing more around the house (we don't even yet live together... he's moving in soon), makes comments about my house not being up to her standards, said something like he's "useless." He might not be super handy or the most organized and on top of things, but he makes up for it in different areas that are more of a priority to me and is such a wonderful person.

I can tell my boyfriend has picked up on the fact that my mom is that way, although she has not directly said anything, and he even said he can tell there's potential for conflict between the two of them at some point. They are alike as far as some interests, but opposite when it comes to what they prioritize, and my mother is possibly undiagnosed OCPD (according to my therapist).

I feel I try to set boundaries, but it does not work. I don't want to get to the point of screaming and losing control and was wondering what the best way of approaching this situation would be? When it comes to other things, we generally have a good relationship, except for her tendency to be controlling in some ways. I want to be able to keep the relationship, but show her that it is not okay for her to make these remarks. One thing that is working is that I try to keep certain things to myself and not overshare.

This all just happened, but it is a pattern. I physically feel a reaction when fights like this blow up and was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this.

Thank you

"One thing that is working is that I try to keep certain things to myself and not overshare."

^^ This ^^

But, I'd recommend watching what precendents you might be setting up with your soon to be live-in partner: in terms of housework, chores, and paying for expenses.

You might want to check out Suze Orman's appraoch to splitting bills... either through her books/podcast/articles or YouTube. It's food for thought.

I bring this up because I stupidly did most the housework, cooking, shopping and still paid 50% of the bills. I paid rent while he paid for the car which was in his name, so when we broke up, he had an asset and I had nothing. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Also, check out Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim blog and podcast to clarify that you and your partner share the same values, and not just common interests.

Well maybe he needs to do more around the house but it’s really not your moms business (unless it’s her house). I can’t imagine telling my daughter what I think her husband should or shouldn’t do.

Perhaps you need to go low contact with your mother for awhile, see her less and talk less. If she asks why, I’d say I cannot allow you to criticize my house and my relationship and since you can’t stop, I need to limit our interactions.

I think that's a good idea. I need to find a way to set boundaries or this will just continue.

I would confront the issue directly with your mother and tell her point blank: you are not allowed to make any more derogatory and insulting comments about my bf, judge him, or intrude upon my life. Period. Since she is not respecting any boundaries, I think you have to take the next step and option and confront it head on. If she then continues to make these judgments and insulting comments,. then you're going to have to set strong limits on her visits, on your conversations, and phone calls. This problem will not go away and will intrude upon the happiness of your relationship. I would nip it in the bud now before it bubbles up and becomes a serious issue that divides you and your boyfriend.

I have confronted her many times, but I think it'll require giving her an ultimatum where I no longer take her calls and not spend time with her the way I do now if she continues to make disrespectful comments about my boyfriend or negative comments about my relationship. Hopefully that will put a stop to it.

That next step to take sounds like a good one and probably will be necessary.

I think you're on the right track. You recognise that your mother is out of line, which I agree she is. Limiting what you share reduces giving her ammunition to use against you. Limiting time you spend with her is a strong measure, but may be necessary to enforce your boundaries.

I would be careful about issuing ultimatums. If you value your relationship with your mom, you have to understand that change is hard for most people. Still, you don't have to stay in the line of fire, when your mom is taking pot shots at your choice of a partner. Definitely, stop engaging with her, when she says things like calling your boyfriend "useless." You don't even have to spell that out to her. Just do it consistently, and she'll get the message.