Daughter Will Marry Trans GF -- Wife Is Upset

Not sure where to put this...

My wife was devastated more than 20 years ago when our daughter (DD) was diagnosed with autism. Wife had such great hopes and expectations for DD prior to that DX.

I'm very proud of DD. She earned a BA in (not sure what) and now is working with Special Needs children. And she's such a humane and compassionate person, with many talents.

DD has been living with a trans woman, "Partner". They met through Tinder. Partner also is very kind, sensitive and very clever. But she has schizophrenia, and I've noticed a few occasional unreal thoughts.

Partner called last night and nervously asked if they could get married. They were looking for our blessing.

I'm very happy that DD is not alone. My only concern is that she is Partner's caregiver, which can be stressful.

My wife is beyond upset. To her, DD is a disappointment, and "Partner" is...

Anyway I feel that my happiness for DD and Partner makes my wife even more upset. At this point I should be honest and confess

People don't choose to be trans, and they don't just snap out of it if asked.

People are who they are and we can’t expect them to become someone else to suit our needs. I think accepting them who they are is the only way to go.

Interesting that wife is concerned about partner being trans but isn’t worried that she has schizophrenia. Is she taking her meds regularly? Are they planning on having children? I’d have a lot of questions about mental health concern.

It's a tough situation.

Some parents may not like to express it but there is always grief having a child that differs from their set of expectations - be it in terms of gender, sexuality, choice of profession etc. It seems your wife is grieving the fact that her daughter is neurodivergent. This is now compounded by your daughter's choice of partner which will further make life harder (e.g. acceptance, judgment, discrimination, or being the caregiver). I think your wife needs support, education, compassion... to allow her to grieve the 'death' of that imaginary child she had in her mind.

It is tough to be 'different' in today's society and it usually comes at a heavy price. Your wife does not want her daughter to struggle more.

I, personally, would be more concerned about the 'schizophrenia' diagnosis. As in, how well is it managed and impact on your daughter (yes, potentially being partner's caregiver)

Live and let live. Whatever lifestyle adults choose and whom they choose to marry is strictly THEIR business.

Yes, of course you are right. I realize my thinking is flawed. And I apologize if I upset anyone.

I totally agree.

My wife also is concerned about the schizophrenia, but it's well-managed when they visit. It's my primary concern, especially since Partner sometimes forgets to take the meds, so our daughter spends some time to set the pills out for her. The other issue is that I think they said that one of the meds is causing Tardive dyskinesia as well as weight loss.

All of this is very perceptive of you! I recall reading about this form of grief in the OASIS Guide to Asperger Syndrome.

I am my wife's caregiver. She has had strange inflammatory problems and she's taking a long list of meds.

So much mental illness throughout both. From personal experience with both parents who had mental & dysfunctionsl issues it screwed up my life & I fought most but it created a totslly dysfunction in me trying so hard to be nothing like them. The results of different mental issues combined like that just multiplies the creation of more dysfunction.

It’s a tough situation, and I think Rive is very wise about your wife needing support to grieve.

I married someone my parents didn’t approve of, we’re still together after 30 years. We’ve had challenges, and some of my parents misgivings were understandable. But ultimately I was an adult and made my own choice.

I’ve got to add I’ve known many other people who were on the face of it a more conventional match, and they’ve since split up.

My trans daughter married her trans spouse a bit over two years ago. Both are a bit neurodivergent but they are happy and healthy and entirely supportive of each other.

Your daughter is an adult. She sounds smart and compassionate. I understand the process of regrouping your thinking about who your daughter is. Been there. Done that. But my husband and I knew our part in this was simply to be loving and supportive. Honestly, I can hardly think of her in any other way now.

I hope your wife can learn more and reach a place of being supportive. To do otherwise will drive a wedge that could be irreparable.

I’d be more concerned about the schizophrenia but it sounds like they are finding a way of managing. It’s not unusual for a spouse to assist a partner who has medical or other issues. I spent 35 years helping my husband with his complicated medical condition and multitude of medications. Yes, at times I was in caretaking mode, but it wasn’t constantly and even when it was a large part of what I did, I did so out of love and support.

What helped our family were lots of conversations about all of the things we just needed to understand better. My daughter and her spouse are always willing to have these very open discussions and we have all learned from each other.

Thank you, @ArtleyWilkins

Conversations definitely are a great idea!

I spoke with our daughter recently to ask if they told other family members and whether it would be okay if I told their aunts and uncles about getting married. They sounded uncomfortable and pointed out that my sister and her husband are very religious and might not approve. Then I wondered if their partner would lose her disability benefits as a result of the combined incomes. That brought up the idea that they might not get married officially; rather they might have some symbolic ceremony.

So I'm getting more involved with both of them, but my wife is still out of it.

its tough being a parent and watching your kids evolve into adults. The hardest part is the transition from child to adult because at some point the conversation has to change between the parent and child to one adult to another adult. Its a tough dynamic to embrace because that natural instinct to provide oversight and protection becomes a dated commodity if you're not recognizing them as adults now. But here's the thing... That door swings both ways. The child who is now an adult can not continue to view their parents as these individuals who must NOW accept all of their life choices. Everyone is an adult in the room at this stage which means in some ways, everyone is back to square one. Respect is earned, not entitled. If your daughter is looking at her request as approval from "mom and dad" well that's a loaded request, because she's not recognizing who the two of you are so much as using your label to say in effect, you HAVE to agree with her choices or you don't love her " like she thought". Well that's a cop out.

Are there four adults in the room or are we still playing house? Yes you will always see your kids as your kids. And yes both of you will always be mom and dad to your kids. But those relationships must evolve and mature so people do not feel trapped in a dated model of conversation and reasoning that no longer applies. If the two of you were atheist and she was marrying a Catholic does that suddenly become an issue? What if the two of you were well established financially and her choice for a partner was someone who couldn't support themselves? There can be a myriad of reasons why a child's choices in adult life do not blend with the parents that raised them.

My mom and dad were devote Christians but disowned me when I was in my 20's because I chose to have a woman live with me which was outside their "value system". In truth what it did was embarrass them because it compromised their image in front of family and friends. When I broke up with her about two years later, they said it was okay to come back. I refused because of their actions. So I gave as good as I got and eventually they came around and we made peace after it was agreed they handled the matter poorly. But let me say this about my situation. I never needed them to be "okay" with my choices because I was my own adult and so my world view may be different from theirs. I didn't need them to respect my choices so much as recognize me as an adult and respect THAT space I resided in. Disowning me was not only hypocritical of their own belief system, but it showed me they didn't want to respect my space as an adult to make my own choices. In the end they only hurt everyone in the picture, including themselves.

Your wife does NOT have to like the choices her daughter is making right now. That is her right as an adult. But she should still respect her daughters space as an adult and be accepting and loving to her regardless of her choices. Its okay to agree to disagree and your daughter needs to understand that too. Embrace tolerance and learn to live in peace with one another as adults. No two people are the same. Respect must be earned by learning to live together in spite of our differences. Once everyone in this picture embraces that, life can move forward. Its okay to have differences. No they are not your choices or your wife's choices. But they ARE your daughter's choices who IS an adult now. Respect that and move forward with your life while letting her have hers.

Thank you for that well-thought-out perspective