Was he sincere or have I been deceived?

I met this guy online. We had been dating for 4 months. We're both 20. Everything was going almost perfectly fine, he was texting me a lot, calling, setting up dates etc. He said he had never felt so good with anyone before. He mentioned us being in a relationship in the future & formed the impression that we were in an exclusive relationship but never outwardly & clearly asked me to be his girlfriend. He said ‘for us to blah blah (I don’t remember at this point) we would have to be in a relationship’ and then he added ‘but when we get into one in the future, we will (…)’. I said ‘then let’s say we are in one’ (yeah, a bit ambiguous but he didn’t comment on that). I was sure we were together. He mentioned early on he would be open to a threesome but dropped the topic and apologized after I said I was not interested in it at all. He said he wouldn’t cheat on me & that he uninstalled the app. During our early dates he made sexual innuendos and jokes & he complimented my looks. We had sex after 2 months and he took my virginity. The sex happened only 2 times throughout the relationship (I was being cautious).

The thing that bothered me was that he was constantly travelling without me, either with his friends or family. I started arguing more. Fast forward 2 months later I started a second argument about him planning to go away for a 2-week long trip to the seaside with his friends without me, with drinking and a club included like they’ve been doing for years. I told him he should compromise and either take me for that holiday or not go as these are tempting circumstances to cheat. Personally it’s also too long for me to be left for 2 weeks. A few days is fine but not that long. I had several other remarks about some of his behaviors and he usually apologized. I suspected him of being gay (he wasn’t very affectionate and he had some feminine mannerisms). We talked it out and he said he was straight.

I said someone who loves his girlfriend would take her with him. He was like ‘you’re not my girlfriend’, ‘we’re not together yet, we’re still seeing each other because we’re not close enough & we haven’t had that talk and you don’t trust me’, and that we’re not officially a couple yet. I feel like he gaslighted me since he said we were seeing each other once a week or even less, which is completely untrue (it was 2-3 times per week). He said we weren’t texting regularly but we were. He said he felt uncomfortable with me treating it as if we’re a boyfriend & girlfriend because ‘it’s not at that level of closeness’ & that he didn’t like such control. He told me he hasn’t asked me to be official because I didn’t trust him & because we weren’t seeing each other, texting and calling enough. He even agreed that me stopping him from going on the holiday would make sense if we were officially together. Aren’t all of these just excuses though..?

He also added ‘it’s too soon for me to love, I need time’. What?? I was very hurt by these comments, ignored him and unfriended him on social media. After two weeks I contacted him with an ultimatum ‘either we’re officially together or not’. I told him it seems like using me for sex. He tried to put it on me saying ‘you were the one who initiated it & I wasn’t ready’. That’s ********! I only initiated the topic but he was the one who ‘materialized’ sex the next time. Then he said ‘after all of this I don’t see the prospect of a serious relationship’.

He had been acting like he was into me all these months before I started the second argument. It’s so painful because he had planned stuff with me, had called, texted a lot, had introduced me to his friends and talked about me hypothetically being his wife. We had so much in common. Was this guy sincere or not? Was he only after sex? I think he also lied to me about being a virgin (he said he had been with many girls but didn’t sleep with anyone before me). I honestly doubt it. Now he’s seeing someone else.

I am very sorry that you are hurting. I think he’s been sincere the whole time about it not being a serious relationship.

He was pretty vocal about it. He also doesn’t ever say he’s exclusive so he was possibly not exclusive either.

I doubt he used you for sex because it only happened two times in several months. People who use others for sex would certainly want it more often than twice in the whole duration of dating

He wasn’t very affectionate because he either just not an affectionate person or he was just not really feeling it.

I’d say 2 weeks long trips with friends would be questionable if you were married, engaged or in a long term committed relationship. But after only 4 months of dating I’d say it’s perfectly fine. If one is going to cheat, they will no matter where they are.

Calling and texting a lot isn’t an Indication of anything. It could mean he enjoyed your company but is not necessarily an indication of serous commitment

I think sadly what you wanted out of this relationship and what was really happening wasn’t the same thing.

It happens to many of us. Especially when you are young and are just starting your romantic experiences. People usually reveal themselves early on. We just have to pay attention. What you see is what you get. If someone tells you that you aren’t his girlfriend and you two aren’t in a relationship, then you either accept that this is a casual not serious non committed encounter (if it’s ok with you), or you go on looking for more suitable partner.

What we have here is a moment where you need to execute some personal standards and quit letting him dictate terms. Let's cut through the semantics of what he said and just measure his actions. Words are often the cheapest, most abused commodity in a relationship. Here we have a person who has known you only a couple of months and through his sweet talk, he has managed to "test drive" you in bed, yet he's out there likely testing driving others, handing them the same line. Well isn't that convenient? I don't consider that "fair" on any level. You're in a crowded bed with a guy who understands how to placate a person by telling them sweet nothings while he moves on to someone else to essentially say the same thing. He identified you as a person that had emotional needs so he used lines like he "never felt so good" to pull you in. After he had you emotionally hooked, he started building up your self esteem with sexual innuendo to see what you would offer, He was really bold to jump far out and suggest a three way. That's why he quickly backpedaled because he knew he had moved too quickly. Please... dump this clown.

There is absolutely nothing transparent or upstanding about this con artist. He is there to simply take from you with empty promises and cute lines of affection to keep you tethered until he moves on. You need to build up some personal standards for yourself, starting with where and when you allow a person to have intimacy with yourself. He got to you with words over a short period of time. He never had to demonstrate the value or authenticity of those words. Also never let someone dictate what a relationship "means". YOU decide what someone means over the course of time as their actions back up their words. Allowing words alone will always lead to disappointment and sadness.. Anyone worth their salt, is going to stand by their convictions. And caring for someone is not a weekend hobby where they have to "think about it".

Always remember... you only control YOURSELF. So guard that front door to your castle that holds your identity and heart. Someone who cares about you is going to put in the time to get to know you and RESPECT your space. If they are not meeting that standard, there's nothing for you to ask of them. You already have your answer. Its not for them to give to you. Its for you to accept what is already obvious. The next time this guy comes knocking, tell him you have moved on and don't require his presence any further. "Later" came too late. (; Believe in yourself and leave these clowns behind. You deserve better. Protect yourself and pick your own direction.