If I Could Turn Back ...

To seven years ago, I would have been more present, more aware. Not so quick to get a boyfriend, not so quick to "fall in love".

I would have slowed down and said to myself, be careful, not so fast. I would have asked myself if it was truly what I wanted.

I would have hit the brakes when I saw red flags. I would have put myself FIRST. I would have taken a really close, good look at the man in front of me. I would not have let his words become mine so quickly. I would have been more brave to speak up when I didn't like something. I would have followed my heart ❤️

I would have valued me. I would not have justified or made excuses for his behavior. I would not have been so impulsive. I would have been smarter. I would have left and found a new path.

Now ... 1.5 years of marriage, and nothing to show. Every happy moment I ruined. Every milestone marked by pain. Our wounds are open; no one doesn't know. Constant fights, exhaustion, depression, crying, repeat

I was in a misty, cloud. Carried away by the wind. Drifting away from family, friends, him ... Myself. I was wrapped up in loving love. Wanting love.

When the fog was lifted, I saw myself and asked: why did you get married? Didn't you ever ask yourself? Why did you waste so much time? Why? How come? Why? Aren't you ashamed? Are you just STUPID? YES. I am. I am very stupid.

The truth is: I don't know why or how I got here. And I only have myself to blame. I am now 34. With no prospects of ever having children. It's too late to leave, we're in too far now.

The hurt I've caused him. The hurt I've caused a lot of people. The hurt I've caused myself. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Why did I let my happiness slip away? Some days I want to die. Some days I want to scream.

If we part, I will die alone. I will be ridiculed once again. I will never know true happiness because I wasted my youth. I will be another statistic. I will be the talk of the town. All of my mistakes and flaws revealed to the world.
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I could go on about these truths.
These truths I've yet to unpack with my own therapist. The shame, the judgement, the embarrassment.

I am sorry you are struggling.

First of all regretting the past is pointless. It can’t be changed so it’s better to just move in to the future.

Second of all why is it too late to leave? No it’s not. Too deep? In a year and a half snd no kids, divorce is quick. Why can’t you leave? Not suggesting you must get divorced but it surely not too late.

You are a young woman. 34? It’s nothing.

No prospects of having kids? How so? My daughter belongs to a group of moms, there are like ten of them. She gave birth at 34 and she’s the youngest in the group! Everyone is either late 30s or early 40s. Sure it gets harder but it’s common nowadays to have kids later

I had a therapist years ago telling me that longer you stay with wrong men less likely you are to meet the right one. You aren’t and never have been happy with this man. Why stick around? You deserve happiness.

This is 2024. Divorced women aren’t talk of the town or being ridiculed. By whom? Half of marriages end in divorce. No one is ridiculed

I hope you discuss your thoughts wuth your therapist soon

If you could turn back to 7 years ago, why would you have made another decision? You would still have been the 'you' that you were back then and would have had no new information to choose differently.

Having gone through what you went through, *now* you have different information that enables you to make *different* life choices and positively carve your (new) future.

And sorry but 1.5 years of marriage does not condemn you to stay forever in a relationship where you aren't happy. 34 is young! You have your whole life ahead of you.

Do you want to go 7 more years in this stalemate and regret your decision 7 years down the line? You would only repeat the very thing you are now saying you regret.. Make the change now and don't foster even more regret.