Trouble with friendships

Hello. I would like to describe some instances with friends that altogether really hurt me.
First, one friend that I met in a mental hospital (I have psychosis now due to wrongly prescribed pills, whenever I stop taking them I get hallucinations I never had before taking them). She is of a similar age to me like all other friends, I am 30.
She had her birthday this month. She called me a few times to say she wants to invite me for a drink, and that unfortunately most others cancelled her. She was supposed to bring one other acquaintance. I already bought a gift and all and I congratulated her on the day, she thanked me and that was the end of it. I didn't actively ask if we were still going out, mostly because I've seen her be fickle before and e.g. leave my birthday after 30 minutes, act really distracted, quiet and strange whenever I call, etc., and just wanted to see if she'd remember. Well, she said nothing of it, though I bought a gift. She is stable on her pills as well.

Next. I arranged for two friends (one healthy and my best one, and one I met in the hospital, too) to go to a concert, they both seemed really interested. We bought the tickets. Then, my best friend (who is known to be late) said she'd miss about an hour and a half, but out of her own sloppiness and carelessness (e. g. was doing her make up for an hour after the concert started although we agreed she'd do it all before it began) never came.
The hospital friend showed up but left after 20 minutes with me. She said she felt ill and was seeing a woman that "tortures" her (she keeps having this hallucination one day a week, other than that is functional and stable). However, from the way she behaved there, it just seemed to me she didn't enjoy being with me and was not really thrilled, and thought she made her excuses, although I am sensitive anyway. This could technically be true but from her actions, it just seemed she was bored and didn't enjoy my company.

After the concert, me and my best friend were supposed to go out to a club. However, riding to town, BFF was speaking to her ex-bf on the phone. He has been known to have an aversion to me, bad mouthed me before and often insulted me as a "joke" to my face while they were still together. I never did get to hear honestly what was bothering him.
Anyway, she mentioned she was staying at mine for a night, and he said something (surely negative) about me as a response I couldn't hear, it's to be expected, and she replied "Yes, I know. But now it is what it is."
I later asked her if he said something and what it was, but she wouldn't tell me, said she "forgot", and I knew she was just withholding info.

All those things together hurt me, I'm not going to lie. I already have difficulties due to pills, but having these issues with friends makes it worse. I get so depressed because I don't even know what is the matter and thus can't help myself. I feel like nobody says it straight to my face. And like nobody even enjoys being with me.

What are your thoughts? Do you have some advice what I should do? I'd be really thankful.

Have a good day.

I am sorry you are struggling. The lady you’ve met in the hospital sounds very unwell and perhaps it’s hard for her to commit or partake in large scale events like concerts. If she’s having regular hallucinations, she might not be up to things even if she tries. Hallucinations sound terrifying and I hope she gets better.

The one that spent an hour doing make up and missed the whole concert sounds very immature. Is she normally like that like has awful sense of time? My sister in law is this way. She can’t manage time. It’s irritating

The one with annoying ex boyfriend, you can’t do nothing about this guy. Weird they talk but aren’t together. I don’t think she needs to disclose to you what he says to her. It’s kind of private. I’d not worry that he doesn’t like you

Hey, thanks for your reply, it means a lot.
But does this sound like I have issues with friendships? In the end, out of these few friends I have, I have no one I can rely on or that I can even believe that they like me.
She just has no respect for the time agreed. Is always late.
I know it's a private conversation, however I feel hurt she said those things like she agrees with him ("Yes I know" when he said something nasty regarding her staying at mine, and then "But now it is what it is". She even tried to glaze over it in case I heard her. I am just interested what exactly he said.
She also said she was sorry she didn't go with him to party in the capital instead, because she missed the concert anyway (this despite this being her fault).
I feel deeply rejected and sad, to be honest, like if anyone is with me, it is just because they have nothing better to do at that time. And this was my best friend. Just days ago she was reassuring me her ex-bf doesn't think anything bad about me and every time he insulted me, "he meant something else" (but I'm not crazy to think so).
(They remained friends after breaking up.)

I don't think you have issues with friendships because your reactions seem very grounded to me. What stands out (from my perspective) is WHO you deem a friend. Anyone can offer pleasantries and if you meet someone while under duress (like in a hospital) often the "connection:" is wrapped in the reasons both of you are there. Once that is lifted, then you find out if you have the makings for a longer connection. That's a common theme I have seen in both friendships and relationships. When you get to know someone while you're in crisis, there's something very uplifting about having a person who can relate. And too often we build more meaning into that than we should because the feeling of connection is so strong we think these bonds have legs on them to carry us forward. Not always the case. Sometimes seldom the case. There's a kind of codependency built in with sharing issues. But the problem with that is once someone gets better, that lifts the codependency and suddenly you don;t see them much anymore.

Ultimately friendships have to come about from more meaningful places. In my experience it comes from shared value systems, similar maturity levels, and a measure of respect for one another that is always present regardless of life circumstances. Now none of that means you have to be in touch nonstop. I have deep friendships with people who live in other states. I do well to actually put eyes on them once a year. But we can get on the phone periodically and talk for hours. And if there's a problem we always reach out to each other immediately. I also have friends locally of course, but like anything there are LEVELS of friendships too.

There's one friend I have known for 45 years, We have allot of shared interests and skillsets that bring us together for hobbies and various conventions. But he's not a person I want to necessarily confide in because I don't consider him as emotionally mature as myself. I have a family so I am constantly on the move and seldom get allot of free time. So the majority of my closest friends are connected through texting, calls, or occasional hook ups. Its about life priorities. Friends are nice and can be an invaluable tool, but they are not all equal. Always remember that. Some people are good for a laugh here and there. Some are good for occasional get togethers. And then, if you're lucky, you find one maybe two, who are very close, that are grounded, reliable, and understand you (and THEMSELVES) well enough to be life long friends and perhaps confidants on some matters. But its never one size fits all.

So be careful, appreciate good times when they are shared with others, but keep expectations measured. It takes time to really figure people out. And their makeup consists of all sorts of factors - maturity, honesty, character, motivations, and of course shared interests. Not all of your friends will carry all of these traits well, so you might want to decide who is worth investing time in based on these factors. People who are generally not reliable or seem to duck out of the scene early when they are with you, do not sound like people that invested in you to even be casual friends. It sounds to me like they are being polite to be around you, which is a waste of time in my book, Move forward and in time you will meet better people. But hold yourself to a standard. People who make you feel bad or walk away are not people who need to be understood. They need to be dismissed. You count so don't let people handle you like you're bothering them. If you get that impression, cut them loose. Life is too short to waste on people who can not show up when their supposed to.

I think some people are good as activity partners and some for deeper stuff. The so called best friend might be ok for activities like clubbing. Friend from the hospital clearly isn’t up to too many activities so maybe just occasional talk.

I’d also start initiate less. Let’s see if they initiate. They might be agreeing to things they don’t really care about. And they lack maturity to speak up so they just don’t show up or leave early. Sound like teenagers to me rather than adults

Thanks a lot for your detailed response, and opinion.
As this has only happened this time with the hospital friend, I will see how things develop. If she will avoid meeting up or never initiate, maybe that will let me know she doesn't enjoy being with me.
But this does really hurt me and I take it personally if someone doesn't enjoy being with me. Besides, I was really looking forward to enjoying the concert with both friends.
And since I heard my best friend talk that way about me to her ex, it really made me doubt myself, if even she speaks negatively about me. I just wish I knew what her ex said.

Those are really good ideas. You never in your replies pointed the finger at me, as in these friends clearly don't enjoy being with me, which I am beginning to think ... however those are some useful thoughts.

Sorry to hear that. Divine hit the nail on the head with her assessments & her advice.

It’s NOT you! Your only real problem is that you seem like you’re to nice & to trusting. Don’t trust anyone until you have really gotten to know them for at least a year.

I made that mistake to many times before. Some people are selfish, users, rude, insensitive, liars., etc. Nice people like you are vulnerable to predatory people & users.

It seems like people like that can tell when someone is lonely & willing to put uo with a lot of disrespect to avoid being lonely.

Those‘ ‘friends’ aren’t your friends. That one lady probably does have issues with going out. Please don’t invest money & time into stuff like going to a concert with people that you barely know.

People flake at times, so always choose to go to an event ir a trip with reliable trustworthy people from now on.

Ditch all of those fake friends & find better more respectful & reliable friends.

That lady who did her makeup late is extremely unreliable. Don’t talk to her again. That guy is rude.

You deserve better than that. Please don’t trust anyone or make important plans with anyone you just met from now on.

I probably should add this to my OP.
There is one (albeit older) guy I talk to regularly. We met years ago online, spoke for a long time and recently reconnected and speak over video calls. There is a serious prospect that we could meet soon (he lives in another country).
He used to always have time to text me whenever during the day and talk to me. We spoke about any subject under the sun. Well, lately he has kept making excuses and never seems to have time to speak to me. He insists I am the only one in his life and seems really genuine, and says he will come as soon as possible, but every time he moves the time of our speaking and says he will be back at the time he knows I go to bed (I have trouble sleeping). (Yes, it's a romantic tinged relationship.)

Next. There is another friend who recently had a birthday. We used to be really close and friendly for about 2 years. She never replied when I asked if she managed to celebrate and how her sports team (she is a judge at a competition) was doing. She hasn't called me in a few months, and even before it always seemed to be me who called her.

I described events with the other 3 girls in my OP. Basically, all these people (frankly I hardly know anyone else) seem to be avoiding me if possible, and I definitely feel like I can't just be upfront and ask one of them if there is a deeper problem. It's just that it's a pattern, and painful for me who craves a close connection. Like I said, with many of above mentioned, we used to be close. It's really sad too that I feel I can't honestly find anything out with them, that they wouldn't even tell me honestly. And I am so worried now. : ( It feels like no one wants to be with me. It can't be that they all have personal issues.
Mum is of no help at all (I live at home), she honestly never gives any advice as she says she doesn't know how, but problems with friends have been a pattern throughout my life and no one could ever help me. I've been to therapists, described my issues, and they too mainly listened or said nothing seems to be wrong with me.

So please help, and give it to me straight. : ( Wish the forums could be personal.

I remember your threads about men online. If you talk for years and have never met, you don’t really know what’s going on in their lives. Unless he lives on the other planet living in other countries doesn’t typically stop people, Of course he insists you are the only one. But it’s very unlikely that a person doesn’t have any romance in his life for years and only talks to someone online whom he never met. There’s nothing wrong to just talk online but I’d not compare it to in person interactions. This guy might be only available certain hours because his wife is home or maybe he was caught with his online shenanigans and now has tk be more careful

Do you work? Go to school? Volunteer? Have hobbies? I wonder if you’d benefit from focusing on something that would keep you busy and engaged in various things. I don’t know where you live but are there jobs available? Or training in something?

Hey.
Well, I think you mixed me up with somebody, I don't think I mentioned men online before. Anyway, thank you and those are valid points, I guess it is better to not put your trust in somebody you literally cannot trust. I think the main thing hurting me about this right now is that he, too, doesn't seem interested in talking and since this has been a pattern with the other 4 friends, I just worry there is something inherently off-putting or wrong about me. I cannot explain why otherwise such a number of people would suddenly start avoiding being with me.

There are some options where I live. I will be honest, since being forced to take these pills, I lost a lot of energy and personality (due to taking them) and I avoid going out other than with my closest friends. I mean, I do not go to an interest group or work, as I know I won't be able to handle the predominantly negative responses from people (which has also been a pattern on these pills, hardly anyone seems to like me or tolerate me without insulting me). I guess that is why this avoidance from my friends hurts more.
But I hate to expose myself to negativity willingly, and trust me, I have had plenty of experiences on these pills notwithstanding.

No I didn’t mix you up.

Very difficult love dilemma. Please help

I am concerned about pills. What pills? I am sorry pills cause you so many issues. Could you consult with your doctor

Can you ask someone you trust who’s honest to tell you if you might ne doing or saying anything wrong?

Pay attention to how you act next time around people. Do you:

Talk to much?

Talk about your problems to often?

Get upset at people easily?

Are you gossipy?

Do you flake on people?

Do you not listen to people?

Do you never ask people questions?

Do you ask people to many questions?

Maybe you just keep meeting the wrong people. Also, I wouldn’t trust that guy. Divine is probably right about him.

Hey, thanks for clarifying.
Well, I currently take antipsychotics, but I believe I mentioned in the OP that I was given them "by mistake". Essentially, once when I was 22, I was housed in crisis housing due to very bad relationships at home, and the women employed promised they would help me get social financial help as soon as possible. But weeks went by with no sign of progress by them, and as I was young and frustrated, I once blurted (and didn't even mean it seriously or even have this sort of history) I am ok but I would do something to myself if they didn't help me get the benefits soon. I just wanted to move on. But the woman called the hospital and despite my defending, they said I was psychotic and I was forced to take pills. A very bleak memory. Since then every time I try to get off I get hallucinations I of course never had before. Thus, endless cycle of rehospitalisations unless I take them.
As I said, APs definitely don't help my social persona, I was often insecure about my social life before taking them. And since starting them, I have lost a number of the closest friends as I was just different and also on the sort of pills where it really showed I was a bit "stoned, stiff and strange".
Psychotherapy is expensive (Mum doesn't work right now and neither do I), but when I did go, I found nobody really told me straight up if I had problems, they were mainly polite about my problems and listened a lot. And my psychiatrist just prescribes pills mainly.
So regarding the friendships, it's a vicious circle where you are rejected and then feel worse. But when it comes to me and my personality, I still don't know what exactly is so off-putting. I wish someone with no attachment to me just told me. So I regret these forums are not more personal.
You, Divine, sound pretty grounded and if we met, I imagine you could tell me what I was doing wrong.

Jesyka, thanks for your suggestions.
I mean, the only people who know what I'm like with friends are my friends, but currently I don't even have one that I could trust to tell me the unfiltered and raw truth.
I might try free psychotherapy (but these therapists usually aren't very good) or a support group if I find a free one. But in general, I find people are just too polite or embarrassed or I don't know what.
And well, my Mum doesn't seem to know why I keep having issues with people.
All I know is I do often ask questions or let other people lead the conversation or speak more, as I (especially on these pills) don't have a ton of things to say, and often have really "quieted thoughts". But I think there is something else, something actively off-putting, though I don't know what it could be. It seems, while I may be able to make friends at the beginning, they all drift away or stop getting in touch. They stop wanting to hang out or even keep in touch. And I haven't moved, changed in this period, and so on.
I feel so sad and depressed about this, honestly. : (

Could it be that you don’t have enough happening in your life so you are trying to fill your time with friends, who in return might be too busy.

At some point you were asking what people do in free time and what hobbies they pursue. Most people don’t have a lot of free time and don’t look for random hobbies to pursue- they have hobbies based on their genuine interests, not on others suggestions

You need to get yourself busy. What interests do you have? When you say people don’t want to talk to you, what kind of stuff you want to talk about? What kind of stuff you talked to total strangers online?

Sorry to hear that. I have similar issues. Do you think that you might be coming on to strong or contacting other people to often?

I myself have made the following mistakes:

Oversharing

Contacting them more often rhan they contact ne. Not everyday, but maybe more often than they’d like

Opening up to people to quickly

Or you could just be attracting all the wrong people who aren’t compatible with you.

Try to play it cool & let other people contact you first.

I was told that friendship is like dating in a way, If you come across as to eager to make new friends, it mght cause people to think that you’re to needy.

Also, do you talk about your problems to often or other people too?

Next time pay close attention to how other people react to what you say.

Do they seem interested or bored? Try to read their body language.

Do they tell you that they’re busy or ignore you often? They might need space. In that case, le them contact you first.

Well, they are not too busy. Some are unemployed, and the others do get enough time to send a short text to reply. To be frank, I only get regular contact from that best friend (more than once a couple of months) out of my friends, but the things she did lately, which I mentioned, make me question the bond we apparently have.
I talk little, admittedly, but I am happy to talk about many things. From their to my interests (mine are cooking, music, movies, daily walks, relationships, clothes and make up and health, etc.), to health or university (depending on the friend (from the hospital to one who is doing their Master's)), to what we do during our day, a lot of it about relationships too, and each other's problems.
But I don't know. I feel like there is something more in my mannerisms or the way I act, my "vibe", I don't know. My best friend recently celebrated her birthday and invited three other people, and I cried when I got home, I got such a bad feeling and vibes. This is my life story in a way. (To a degree, my feelings were confirmed by my friend later.)
Could you advise where I could find someone to help me with these issues, as people notoriously dislike being honest with someone close to them or even who is a stranger (they don't like to come clean about how they feel about you)? I have thought of free psychotherapy groups, maybe somebody would be courageous and honest. But I'm having issues finding these around my town.