Is this how good relationships end?

I (25F) am with my boyfriend (25M) for 3 years and there is nothing wrong in our relationship. We don't fight and he is a really good guy that treats me right. We share our free time, have similar humour and similar tastes in music and movies. We take care of our household in a balanced way. So he is basically the ideal partner that many women would like to have.

But lately, his lack of ambitions started to bother me and I feel bad because of it. He doesn't have a college degree because he got kicked out after the first semester and he is earning less than me, although we are both working in technical field. I even tried to teach him something to improve his position in job market and he successfully switched his job recently, but he still doesn't have ambitions to improve his position by learning something new or just be at least better than yesterday. I simply don't see a passion for his job in him and it started to bother me, cause I, on the other hand, am quite successful and career means a lot to me.

Recently I started chatting with former colleague (28M) - nothing romantic or highly personal, we meet around 1 to 2 times per month and we are discussing mostly work. But OMG it feels so right to speak with a man that is actually passionate and successful in his job. It's quite exciting to be able to discuss something highly technical or learn something from him. It seems to me that he might be interested in me, but we are strictly keeping our boundaries and he knows that I have a boyfriend.

I am starting to feel that I don't want to marry my boyfriend and I don't see my future with him anymore. I feel very bad because it feels like monkey branching to me and I don't really have reasons to break up with him, besides his lack of ambitions. My boyfriend is very attached to me and I'm his first girlfriend. We are also living together and share most of our friends. So our breakup would be really tough and I don't want to be a girl that broke his heart.

Has something like this happened to you? Is there a way to save our relationship or my view on my boyfriend?

Have you discussed with him what you said here?

He may be a good guy but if you are not matched on the values that are important for you, that is not 'monkey branching' and it is a valid reason.

You are very clear: "I don't want to marry my boyfriend and I don't see my future with him anymore". This is a major red flag.

So, would you rather stay in a relationship that does not fulfill you, so as not to disappoint someone else? Going along with the relationship because it is 'easy' will be a disservice to both you and him.

If this is not addressed now, this can lead to the breakdown of your relationship down the line, with a build up of resentment, anger or worse.

Careers can be a funny thing. I have two degrees but my wife, who only has her high school diploma, is lapping me on income because she had opportunities afforded her that has allowed her to shine and is well past needing a degree at this point. I'm very happy in my position and make good money, so the difference does not impact me personally. We both enjoy the financial advantages afforded us, which is actually BETTER than being in a situation where one is a liability on the other. Together we have raised a family over 30 years, but I'm the responsible one with money, so the dynamic who makes more is really a wash at the end of the day.

Don't overthink this situation. If you have a solid relationship and a trusted partner, don't throw that away because you have higher professional ambitions than him at the moment. Don't ask him to compete with that because in the long haul, you're asking for a different breed of person than you likely want in a relationship. That passion is also transient and is something you value right now because you're young and it makes you feel good about yourself and your sense of accomplishment. All completely valid, but just ONE component in building your sense of self. Jobs come and go, as do careers. Allot can change over a very short course of time. My wife had many setbacks along the way and was out of work at one point. But I stood behind her and lifted her up and she rebounded. Sometimes a complimentary partner is more about steering the ship and providing a solid foundation so the other can take more risks climbing that ladder of ambitions. You got to see the bigger picture and not just measure it through one lens. Love him for who he is and think about the strengths he brings to your life. It sounds like you're in a good place in your life. One thing I have learned over the years is never to question stability. If anything, covet it. I wish both of you much happiness.

Of course! I am the one who pushed him into his current job, the problem is his passivity when I am not interventing. If I am talking with him about this, he immediately goes into defensive position and it leads to nothing.

I made this post so I can gain strength to take actions, but it is really hard to let somebody go if he did nothing wrong and I am not 100% sure anyway.

This is not about income or higher education! My biggest problem is his passivity and lack of ambitions, I don't want to be his only motivation. He is working only because of money, has no passion for work, he does not have any hobbies besides videogames and he is not doing anything creative in his life. He has basically no plans for future, no higher goals, just get married, have kids and die... Maybe I am just tired to be the moving factor in our lifes and I want for once be the one that is leaded somewhere.

Is this really a “good” relationship? It seems like you dragging an anchor around.

Something simlar....the guy I was dating in college was smart but had a crappy attitude. He only did well in classes he liked & said he didn't bother with classes where he knew he was smarter than the professor. Thus he graduated with a bad GPA. He had been working for a bank while in college & believed that they would give him a position in the IT area when he graduated. We had planned on getting married after he graduated while I continued to finish my degree (took longer for me because I changed majors as a junior)

Turned out the bank didn't give him a job because of his bad GPA. He was mad but hadn't done any on campus interviews with other companies. He claimed that his GPA didn't reflect his intelligence but I told him it truly reflected his bad attitude. Huge red flags right before the wedding I should have listened to my gut but got married anyway because he was a nice guy & as my mom said....."he will grow up when he has to". WRONG. His bad attitude was part of the marriage & it grew into nothing but fighting. I hung in on the marriage for 33 years. When I finally walked out it was becausevI had enough of the attitude that was the red flag before the wedding.

My take on it is that no matter how "nice" soneone is, if you have an issue with their attitude, it only gets worse after marriage. Better to listen to your red flag now & leave. I walked out after 33 years with nothing & he lost the house to foreclosure so even that couldn't be split in the divorce. By that point in time leaving was about finding my sanity again & regaining control over my life.

During most of my marriage my focus & my escape was my career but when I no longer had that, life became a living #@[[.

I have never been happier than after I left & look back & think....."why did you wait so long & why didn't you pay attention to those red flags before the wedding?"

If you have doubts NOW, it only gets worse & harder to leave with time. "NICE" is not the only thing important in a relationship. A lot more I could write but these are the basics from my own personal experience.

BTW, we both ended up being computer engineers but his attitude stuck with him & continually caused his career & our marriage problems.

Love isn't only about right and wrong. It is also about fit. The fit here doesn't sound good, and discussing it with him is unhelpful.

100% sure is a very high bar.

You posted lots of good reasons to leave. What are reasons to stay?

it is the best one I had, he always respected me, we get along pretty well, sex is fine, but on the other hand he seems like an anchor sometimes . if I let him plan our activities, we end up playing videogames, which is fun, but not everyday. If I want to go somewhere I need to plan it, if I am not in a mood for that, we are staying at home. This other guy I was talking about, is nothing like that, thanks to him I was at more new places in past few months than with my boyfriend through the whole time, it's refreshing.

thanks, your post was quite eye opening

There is still possibility that I will never find somebody that is as good to me as him and it feels bad to let somebody go just because of these reasons. Also it will be hard to leave him, there is high possibility that it will destroy him, also we share most of our friends, we know each other families, we are living together. There are so many things that are tying us together and I was never with somebody for so long. But I also understand that, if I was in a need to create this thread, this relationship ended already in my heart.

@careergirl welcome to MSF. I am sorry you are feeling dissatisfied with the direction the relationship is headed.. That must be rough on you.

You said

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There is still possibility that I will never find somebody that is as good to me as him and it feels bad to let somebody go just because of these reasons. Also it will be hard to leave him, there is high possibility that it will destroy him, also we share most of our friends, we know each other families, we are living together. There are so many things that are tying us together and I was never with somebody for so long. But I also understand that, if I was in a need to create this thread, this relationship ended already in my heart.

What I have seen is what ends is my expectations. Those are usually exaggerated. I think what you describe is a very important social connection. Having a fling with someone else may destroy the relationship you have that is an anchor. That may really harm you as well.

I am not saying you should decide in one certain way, but rather write out all the intentions you have and then ask yourself if they are realistic. Will anyone be able to do that on a longterm basis? Someone can be a certain way for a while, but other parts of them emerge and the whole relationship that you thought was better than the one you have now could just be revealed as a paint job, rather than the anchor you have now.

List all the pluses you have on paper or email and the minuses. How else could you fulfill those minuses without destroyning the relationship and possibly destroying your anchor.

I have ended relationships out of convenience but that was not good for me or for them because of how it was done. These can haunt us as they have with me.

Hope you find a solution that harms no one.

CANDC
[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

My observation is that you are both very young, maybe this is simply a relationship you’ve grown out of as you’ve matured?

You say you’re concerned leaving would destroy him…. But if you stayed against your better judgment that might also be harmful to both your happiness? I don’t think I’d be happy if I realised my partner was dissatisfied with me.

He sounds a great guy, and he’s young, do you think it’s possible he might in time find someone a better fit for him?

I suspect that he won’t be destroyed if this ends. Not only you deserve to be with the right person and be truly happy but so does he. He’ll find the right person eventually so he’d not be destroyed

It seems that you are already dating someone else. Even though it’s platonic and isn’t cheating, you go on regular dates, see a lot of different things together, enjoying his company more than your boyfriend’s, he’s interested in more with you etc Not sure if your boyfriend met a guy and if he ever joins you two or if he even knows about him but it does sound like beginning of dating someone new to me.

I think I’d have a conversation with your boyfriend. Living together complicates it but people split all the time. I think it’s better to end it now rather than waiting any longer. Especially if it’s already ended in your heart and you are enjoying another guy more.

Good luck

It sounds like you are not really "in love" with this guy any longer. At ages 25, I think you are both too young to *settle* for such a lackluster relationship. Yes, there are risks involved in leaving. No doubt, he would be very hurt, if you ended the relationship. But, it's better for him to go through that now, rather than in 10 or 20 years. He sounds like a good guy who deserves to find a woman who will feel lucky to have him. He deserves a chance for that to happen. Some woman will be thrilled to get him, if he just manages to hold down any job. You will be perpetually disappointed in him. His lack of drive will not change.

Maybe you two started living together without really knowing each other. But now you do really know each other. You're both decent people. Neither of you is doing anything wrong. That's all not a good enough reason to get married. It sounds to me like you will always feel somewhat cheated, if you stay with him. That won't be good for either one of you. You will constantly be prone to comparing him with other men you meet who show more drive.

You recognize that leaving him is risky for you. There's no guarantee you'll transfer smoothly into a better, more fulfilling relationship. Personally, I think it's kind of cruel for a woman to hold onto a man she's not head-over-heels in love with, just because he's safe and dependable . . . . . unless she is totally willing to permanently commit to him. Otherwise, the poor guy ends up getting dumped some day, when his wife does fall hard for someone else. The husband is blindsided because he never knew his wife's true feelings. That's terribly unfair.

fine... and that's ALL? Just fine? At age 25, you are considering perpetuating a relationship where sex is only fine?

I also agree with everything Rose said. You are afraid of hurting him by leaving now but you will eventually hurt him much more if you drag it out and still end up leaving later as you undoubtedly will.

But you do want to protect his feelings and I think he will be hurt less if you explain that the relationship has become, as said above, lackluster, that you cannot put up with his lack of any passion, drive, creative pursuits, or interests outside video games, THAN if you bring up that other guy who currently excites you so much.