Closure

@ RockyRoad007

OMG, you are a lifesaver. I was struggling with the thought of turning into a big cold grey rock. As you can tell, I’m in hell right now. There isn’t much that is beautiful surrounding me. So the visual of me turning into a rock was such a downer. Your flower visual sounds so amazing. I will definitely use this method. I will use the lotus as my flower. I found this on google for the lotus flower.

Purity, The lotus flower can rise from muddy water without getting stained, representing the ability to maintain integrity and ideals in the face of adversity.

Rebirth,
The lotus flower's cyclical nature, from bud to bloom to retreat, symbolizes rebirth and renewal.

Transcendence,
The lotus flower blooms from the underworld into the light, representing the transcending of man's spirit over worldly matter.

Thank you so much. Thanks for taking time to help people in need. It’s means so much to me. It took a lot of courage for me to express my feeling to strangers online. But, I wished I knew sooner, seeing how kind and helpful everyone is. I was afraid people would judge me, because my life is screwed up. But, it’s quite the opposite. Everyone has been thoughtful and insightful. I’m grateful God bless you. 🙏🏼🩵

There are so many ways to use your flower.
In my darkest moments, I would create a rose in my imagination and put it in front of me with the face of the flower facing my heart area. I would ask it to take my pain and sadness. I would allow all my pain and sorrows to pour into this rose. I would then blow this rose up and feel the blessings rain down on me.
This is not a one and done, I had to do it a lot, but over time the layers of my anguish were released from me.

Create a giant lotus around your house where you are living.

Another thing you could do which you may find hard is to bless your brother. Not out loud, but in your mind. And with heart intention, not mindlessly. You can say "bless you" or "May you be blessed", whichever feels more natural to you. You may find this could be transformative to the whole household. Your brother is in dire need of blessings, he is in pain.

I like "may you be blessed" when I don't want to feel like a hypocrite blessing a jerk, but they are still being blessed. When you bless another, you are also blessing yourself.

Set a boundary - tell sil that you agreed to share a meal with them, fine. The aim, as specified by sil is to ''connect'', fine. BUT if you are getting abused, how is that connecting? I would tell sil calmly: I am eating with you, as part of the agreement, but I am not going to be abused because that is NOT part of the agreement. If I am abused, I will retire to my room. This is *your* boundary. Doesn't matter what sil says to excuse brother - you tell her, this is not part of the deal (being abused) & if I am abused, this is what I will do.

From now on, when he attacks you, do not respond. Ignore and remove yourself from the environment.

@ RockyRoad007

I always prayed, that God will help us live in peace, my brother and I. And I always pray that he will stop being so psychotic. But after five months of praying so far nothing has happened. I get down on my knees and pray before I go to bed, that God will make him stop. But then the next time I see him again at dinner, he will go crazy with snarky remarks.

I’m going to get a tattoo of a small lotus on my wrist soon. So when I pray during dinner, I can see it and use it as a shield to protect me. Being able to visually see the flower will help me not pop off on my brother. And have a screaming cussing match. My brother doesn’t believe in God at all. That is why he’ll fight with me, even if I’m mid prayer, with my eyes closed and my head bowed. It’s very rude if you ask me. Thanks for helping me with the flower suggestion. I will imagine the lotus surrounding me, protecting me from the negative energy. And then letting it blow away. Maybe this is God’s answer to my prayers, to get help from all of you kind people. 🙏🏼🩵

@ Rive.

I have pleaded with her so many times to please let me excuse myself. But she will never let me go. I still have to stand there on the kitchen island, and eat with them even if I’m in tears. I told her it’s not fair that I’m being abused like this. But it doesn’t matter to her. She still just wants me to be part of the family, by having dinner with her and the kids.

I have asked her at least 10 times, and every single time she said that’s not part of the deal. So I don’t even know if they’re just wanting me to be the scapegoat, if I’m there he’s just gonna abuse me and not them. Because when I’m not here, he does that to them. That’s what they told me.

I will definitely not engage with him anymore. I would still have to say hi and be cordial, however, if he starts anything with me, I’m just gonna say a one liner that I’ve learned on the Internet and try to run away.

* that's nice
* oh okay
* that's interesting
* maybe
* I don't know
* "I'm sorry you feel that way..."
* "i see."
* i don't have any opinion about

You do not have the power to draw boundaries. She is very clear about what she demands and you have no bargaining power to change that. Unless perhaps you are the one cooking their meals and then your labor and time expenditure gives you some bargaining power. But my understanding is that she is the one cooking and it is with their money that the food is being puchased. No?

No, I buy my own food (contribute to grocery) and my own necessities. And she does the cooking, but I do the dishwashing daily after meals. And I also clean up around the house. I tried to cook for them, but they don’t like my cooking so I gave up. I just have to put up with them, till I save up enough to leave.

I knew I wasn’t able to leave just yet, that’s why I came here on this forum. I was looking for a way that I could ignore the my abuser. When I first got here, I just heard of the gray rock method, so I didn’t know how it would work. That’s why I asked people here if they thought it would work. I’m glad I came here for support because I was going crazy. I had no one to tell my problems to I tried reaching out to my family members, but they would tell me just to ignore him.

Im thankful everyone has helped me a lot. You’ve have taught me meditation and the flower workshop idea. Without you guys, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to about this. I’ve been suffering alone for the last five months. The only time I can talk to anyone is when I’m talking to my therapist. I felt the weight lifted off my shoulder since I’ve been here. Because I was able to connect with people, who were able to know what I was going through. And help me find solutions.

That is what I was saying in my earlier post: you keep asking permission, you beg her, you plead with her, you complain how it is unfair... this is how a child would behave. You have given away all your power.

What I am saying is you inform her (you do not ask, you do not beg, you do not plead) that you will remove yourself IF you are abused. Period. Whether she likes it or not is irrelevant. Whether she excuses brother's abuse or not is irrelevant. You tell her: I agreed to eat with you, I did not and do not agree to being abused. THEN you follow through.

As for her not letting you, how can she force you? You are an adult. You choose. You remove yourself.

I have left before during a argument, I told her I do not want to suffer this abuse anymore. I told her I won’t put up with him if he treats me this way. I will eat in my room. When I left the room she followed me. She told me straight up that I must stay and eat with them. It doesn’t matter if he argues with me, just ignore him. If I don’t eat with them I have to move. They think I’m trying to be antisocial, not bonding with the other family members. Makes them uncomfortable. They don’t care that I am getting yelled at. They are used to it, so I too have to get used to it by ignoring him.There is no negotiation. I can’t express to you how much I mean “by I’m not allowed to not eat with them”. I know this sounds bizarre but I have no other choice, if I don’t agree then I have to move. I DONT want to be homeless. 😔

Eternal Love does not have the ability to influence her SIL in that matter unless she is prepared to move out. She is not because she has not yet saved up enough money. The whole family is used to outbursts and expect her to not pay attention to them similarly to how they themselves ignore them. The SIL's expectation (and rule) is that bonding over food happens among people other than her husband and despite anything her husband does or says. It may seem unfair but it is what it is. It is not a bendable rule. She is very clear about it.

Unfortunately making a decision to live in his place and not be married kind of backfired because after 20 years you surely would be entitled to a half of everything plus likely alimony. Living in his place with zero rights and no independence left you homeless. Well you can’t turn back time but you can start path to independence now. I know you don’t answer questions about job or income or disability but they can only make you eat with them if you are at home. They can’t if you are at work

I will try to make better decisions in the future. And I will try my best to just ignore him. Thanks for commenting. Have a nice day. ☺️

Eternal Love,

Here is a link to a free introduction to self-compassion session from Kristin Neff.

Join an event that supports your self-compassion journey - Self-Compassion

Thank you so much for your help. Have a lovely day/night. 🩵