[musiclover]

I went out with a guy for a few months and he broke up with me because I have social phobia and driving anxiety and I wasn't able to drive to his place. (He visited me, or I would meet him halfway between us) We stayed friends and talk online every day. He lives about 45 minutes away (which is out of my driving comfort zone), and can't understand why I'm not familiar with the local roads even though I've lived in my town for most of my life.

The reason I have trouble driving is because I was raised from birth by my grandparents, and my grandfather died when I was 14. My grandmother never had a license. From age 14 - 18, we had to rely on taxis or family friends for transportation. When I was married, my husband did most of the driving. When I separated and came back home, I was still not comfortable enough to drive longer distances on my own. Recently I got a GPS as a gift, but it doesn't help me adapt to situations on the road like merging into traffic on a busy highway.

When I try to talk to my friend, he is very critical and says I give up too easily. He also makes comments like 'if you need a GPS to learn 2 or 3 roads you might as well quit driving and pay someone to take you somewhere'. Any driving I try is never good enough and he considers it failure if I didn't make it to a destination and had to turn back.

Most of my friends are online buddies, so I don't have many people to talk to or go places with. The addition of social anxiety holds me back from working outside the home and making new friends.

Sometimes I feel like it's better to have critical friends (or friends I rarely ever hear from) to talk to than not have any at all.

How should I handle this situation? I'm running out of statements to defend myself with!

[Doh2007]

Hi. You can tell us anything and we'll still like you. I hope that will help. I can relate to people not understanding needs. We need someone to understand our phobias, because they can help protect us. Maybe that sounds weak, but it makes such a difference.

[Perna]

I would either try harder with my driving so I could eventually get to his house or I would stop talking about my driving problems with this friend if the critical aspect makes you feel bad. Sometimes critical can act as a goad or challenge and help us but it sounds like it is distressing you so I wouldn't talk about it with him.

I assume, since you and your grandmother took taxis everywhere that someone else driving is okay? I would cultivate a real life friend who could drive a short route, then you drive it with them in the car, then longer, etc. until you are more comfortable. Perhaps seeing/feeling it being done and having someone with you while you attempt would help? Maybe you could take driving lessons at a school? Even though you know how to drive, having one of their cars that they can control if you panic might help, kind of like training wheels? I'd look into something like that if you don't have a local friend. But I don't know if you want to get over your driving anxiety enough to put up with the anxiety while you're doing that? If this friend isn't that important to you, whether you can drive to his place or not, then I wouldn't bother? I'd go on with whatever you are doing to get over your driving and social anxieties. You do not have to defend yourself to anyone, it's your life to run as you see fit, not theirs.

[youOme]

I didn't learn roads till after a year or two of driving, when you don't drive you don't pay attention to roads so well...I didn't even know how to get to Wal Mart before I got my license, it's a learn with experience type thing.

If you feel your friend is critical then tell him to back off and let you drive in peace.