My wife's depression is one thing... but her adultery is killing me.

So... has anyone else been in a similar situation, where you've had to make some hard decisions to safeguard yourself and your family, and you knew your mentally-ill spouse was going to absolutely freak out?

<font color="purple">I am/was the mentally-ill spouse that did the very things your wife is doing now... The short... went thru a personality change and for two yrs did the online affairs that eventually turned cyber sex and phone calls and then meeting someone in person on more than one occasion.... I told half truths, insisted that I was getting divorced, even got the papers... during this time I had a huge break down and was put on meds and is what my hubby blames for my actions... I spent hours upon hours online well into the night... wasnt properly caring for my kids, isolated myself from everyone except those online... Then hubby found out about the face to face meeting with online fella and hell broke out....I started hurting self again... deeper depression and cycling more often... hieghtened anxiety, etc... he was then ready to try counseling but first focused on getting me help... I fought it for a long time, I wanted both worlds... he stuck it thru and I shut off... kept my online as much as I could, used more phone and met again... during which hubby kept as close tabs as he could on me... monitored my online use.. watched over my shoulder.. kept me on time limits for errands... called me everywhere i went... family, friends house, grocery store, work... this went on for a few more yrs and then as I finally was getting help I needed and his constant love and fight for us and our family, I came back and broke out of most of the new personality, meaning I am more awre of when I feel it slipping and I talk with hubby about it b/c I still find that I need to be placed in check b/c I do relapse into the other personaility... which can be confused as an alter... so very difficult to explain all of this... and I said I would give the short of it but as you can see its not taht easy... there are yrs of details I havent covered... but there is hope.. its been about 5 yrs since we've been back on track now... and it was all my hubby's hard work and faith in our marriage, family, and love plus getting me the help that did it for us... communication was key... hardcore honest communciation..

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hoping the best for you and your children gordian, and with perseverance, you will get through this storm.

i was once married to a man with severe difficulties, and i had to cope with his sex addiction on top of other chronic illnesses, until one day i could not do this anymore.

i fell apart - the relationship was so unhealthy for me i thought i was going to die.

then i chose to leave. to make a way where there wasn't one before. i was afraid, but i had to show children that there mother could be happy, so they knew they could change things around in life too.

most important is the children, and better late than never. when you get them into a smooth, functioning homelife, and surround yourself with solid support, things have a way of coming together... in healthy ways.

the best to you all.

nightbird

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SerenitysWave said: <font color="purple">I am/was the mentally-ill spouse that did the very things your wife is doing now... </font>

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A lot of what you've been through is exactly what my wife is doing. Were you eventually given a specific diagnosis of your illness?

I'm glad to hear that things finally worked out between you and your husband. It sounds like you both had an incredible amount of patience and perserverence to come out on the other side of the tunnel. I can imagine how difficult and painstaking it was for you to isolate and identify your behaviours and learn how to work with your husband to avoid them.

Based on your post it's taken both of you years to get to this point, though. I've been struggling with my wife's downward spiral for about six years, and I don't think I have it in me to go another six. Maybe it's just because yesterday was one of the worst days of my life (see this thread for details), but I'm absolutely spent. It took an immense effort just to get up for work this morning. I still have some hope, but everything depends on her actions now.

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nightbird said:
the relationship was so unhealthy for me i thought i was going to die.
then i chose to leave... i had to show children that there mother could be happy, so they knew they could change things around in life too. ...when you get them into a smooth, functioning homelife, and surround yourself with solid support, things have a way of coming together... in healthy ways.

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If it gets to that point... that gives me hope that a divorce won't necessarily wreck my kids' lives. Thanks, nightbird. I appreciate it.

A divorce definitely will not wreck your childrens' lives.

You are providing a healthy role model of an adult taking care of necessary business.

and your part in this is what? I only ask that cuz hubby of 31 years now could take your stand and yet he has his presance in much of the begining that led us to this point.

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gordian_knot said:
A lot of what you've been through is exactly what my wife is doing. Were you eventually given a specific diagnosis of your illness?

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Well my diagnosis's include:
Bipolar
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Schizophrenic
Anxiety/Panic Disorder
OCD
PTSD
DID

I cycled for 11 yrs before the "big" change happened in my personality.... Not sure what caused the breakdown and personality change... So b/w that prior yrs of dealing with my mental issues and then add on the breakdown and affairs for another cple yrs of crap I put him thru and then a few more yrs of working thru it... I cannot imagine where he got his strength to cope and stick it thru.. Even after discovery I was not easy to be around... I was not kind to him at all and wanted to continue my selfish and destructive ways... I know I wouldnt have it in me if the tables were turned... I am not saying that sticking it thru is the asnwer.. every situation is different... and you have to way in the effects it may or may not have on the kids.... Plus you yourself deserve to have a healthy relationship and not lose yourself trying to reach that goal which may or may not happen... I wish I could gurantee that she will "come around" or get healthy enough to stop the behaviors and be the woman/mom you hope for... All I can say is that my situation had a good result.. and I hope yours does too no matter what you chose to do...

sorry man but I'd leave her... maybe she needs a lil kickstart to straighten out. Then again she might get pushed over the edge... but that's no way for you her or your kids to live!!!!

Sure a family has wife, husband, children and others. But when a family begins to rotten, chip away the one causing it. A good woman can be a wife but a bad woman is not capable of being a wife. If your wife is becoming a bad woman then let her go and find a good woman to be your wife...then you will have a family again.

I don't think finding another woman is the right thing... I think that you might have to go to the root of the problem.. I have myself suffered much emotional abuse that my other half is not willing to admit to..
He had an affair on me right up until mid pregnancy with our first child he blamed it on what happened in his first relationship and his jealousy had him believing I was having sexual relaions with these thing.. Years of him not believing in me and I had taken so much from him that in 2005 I ended up having an affair.. To this day I still pay for it.. Do you show her your concern about how she feels and listen to her with your heart and your mind and take in consideration that maybe there was something that went wrong within the relationship for this to happen.. I am not saying what she is doing is right but she is looking for attention and the you need to ask yourself why? It might take tuns of counselling but in the long run it would be worth it..
A little compassion goes a long way it all depends how strong you are..

Hi there, mangPilo and cowgirls. Saying that things have changed since my last post is the understatement of the decade. If you're interested, the details are in this PsychCentral thread.