I don't feel like my husband loves me

Does he love me, but I just can't see it? Or is the love gone? How can I really know?

I just had a little discussion with him last night, and in some ways I feel better...but I am still utterly confused.

We've been together for 7-1/2 years total, married for 3 years. He only married me because I was pregnant. I proposed to him. I tried proposing without telling him I was pregnant (I was only 5 weeks along at the time), but then I freaked out and told him. So I will never truly know if he would have married me if he didnt' "have to."

I am not blameless in our problems. In fact, I am probably the worst contributor. I don't handle rejection well. I've been depressed, or whatever else, for a long time.

A while ago...I cheated on him. I would go online and troll the chat rooms, then just meet guys in motel rooms. One night only. I didn't even know their names. I gave them a fake name for me. I don't know what I was thinking. Most of this was 2 years ago. I even told my husband about it, because I felt so guilty. He stayed with me. I dont' know why.

Then there's my weight. When we met, I was probably about 150 pounds. Then I went on a crash diet and lost 40 pounds, got down to a size 6. I looked HOT. But then in less than 4 years I went from 110 pounds to 220 pounds. Binge eating, no exercise. I don't blame him for not being attracted to me anymore. My heaviest was 242 pounds, at 9 months pregnant.

And...obviously, since I'm on a board like this....I have "issues." And I know that takes a toll on our relationship.

I guess my confusion is...why does he stay with me, if he doesn't love me? Why can't he just ADMIT that he's not attracted to me anymore? And if he DOES love me, why the hell doesn't he show it???

He did absolutely NOTHING for both Valentine's day AND our anniversary. Nada, zip, zilch, NOTHING. Am I not supposed to notice that?

He never says "I Love You" anymore. We never do things together. We are like roomates, not lovers.

We fight over the silliest little things. The other night, it was the cables connected to the TV that turned into a huge fight that ended with me sleeping alone on the couch!! It's just stupid.

So why are we still together? What's the point?

I'm just so confused. One day, he's planning a future with me - we're building a house, talking about another baby, talking about buying a vehicle that can tow an RV so we can go on family roadtrip vacations. But then the next day, he completely ignores me, treats me like crap, and obviously doesn't love me.

I lost 70 pounds, but it's still not enough. He doesn't notice, doesn't care. Doesn't help me at all - he buys junk food all the time. When I'm upstairs on my exercise bike watching Biggest Loser, he's sitting on his arse eating chips and candy and drinking soda and watching TV.

I want someone who will love me for ME. Weight included. Mental "issues" included. I want someone to actually WANT to be with me. I want to know what it's like to be loved. I don't feel that from him, and I've never really felt it from anyone. I ache for that.

I dont' know how much longer I can keep putting up the charade, keep pretending that we are happy. I want to stay together for our daughter....but I don't want to live a life of misery.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Would I be any happier alone? Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe mediocre boring sex 8 times a year is all I get. Maybe that's all I deserve. Maybe I'm just not good enough for someone to really love me the way I want to be loved.

Even if I fix me - will anything fix US?

I think you have to be happy with you before anyone else can. People learn from us how to treat us.

I would get some therapy for your issues and work on self esteem and enjoying yourself, whatever your weight (I'm currently 260) and see how changes of that sort in yourself maybe get him feeling more comfortable and glad to be with you. My husband could care less about my weight (he's overweight too) that's not "me" as you have pointed out. But I know who I am and it sounds like you are struggling to understand who you are and how you "fit" with yourself. You don't need fixing, you're not broken. You need loving and enjoying, first by yourself and then by others.

agree with perna. it sounds like, even if you were skinnier you still wouldnt like yourself. and people can see that. going to motel rooms and sleeping with strangers isnt respecting yourself in the least bit. and if you dont respect yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? btw, i hope you were protected during all that.

a few years ago i was 130 lbs at 5'9''. admittedly, i was underweight. since then, ive gained 40 lbs from a combo of birth control and PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome). now my symptoms are gone but the weight is here to stay. my boyfriend says he doesnt notice. hes got a little pot belly too, but i think its cute. there are plenty and straight up fat people who love themselves. just like there are supermodels who are 5'10'' 115 lbs who hate themselves. your looks wont change how you feel about yourself, only you can do that. sounds corny but its true.

I agree. I think you have to learn to love and respect yourself first. Then you can move on to loving and respecting someone else. It has a way of bouncing back at you. At that point, you know what it feels like to be loved.

With your history, I would suggest professional marriage counseling because some of those wounds could be deep (infidelity).

I hope you can work it out with him. If not, I hope you can find some peace of mind in your life - for the sake of your child.