Help with the family in law....Please ..any advice is welcomed.

hi...I have been married for almost 11years and together 13. my story is so long I don't think my fingers could handle typing it all. gonna try and break it down as short as possible.
My husband is 37 today I am 32. He has a 16 and 14 yr.old from his 1st marriage. His ex left him with a secret bank account in my husbands moms name. she decided to leave him and he meet me. Then she got decided she wanted to work things out.He decided he was done for the final time. Honestly, i never thought after our one night stand that i would ever see him again. I was 19 and stupid. Terrible divorce, fighting over kids, money and etc. and his family stood by his ex the whole time and went to child support court with her. My husband will be the 1st to admit and his ex...that they where young and foolish. They made lots of mistakes. They didn't know each other well and had 2 kids. The 5 years they where married...they lived in different houses for over 3 years of it.
Ok... My issues are with the in-laws. They are driving us nuts and do nasty things behind our backs. (His sister is the one who does things to our daughger)Like talk about our 9 year old child that we have together...things like she gets to do more than the other 2 kids...that there is something about her nose...she told a pageant friend of ours that then they told us(this list could go on and on and on...I have 13 years of storys).They have dis-invited my husband to family functions and I had to put my husband back together. I was the middle man with the ex...The kids have lived with us for going on 6 years now. We have done the very best to blend this family. I am a stay at home mom so I can do all the running and if someone is sick...do one losses their job.
But the roles reversed about the time 5 years ago. I husband will admit that he was a terrible husband and father (with the ex) He had drug problems and just not happy with his life. Not saying I am the one that changed all that, but I know I had a great deal to do with it. I know that the family labeled me with that Scarlet letter..I am the one that broke them up...I'm the one he left his wife for. But his ex has told be before...she knew it was a matter of time. Not saying what I did was right...but I was young and made mistakes. But I fell head over heals in love with him...and he did too. Our relationship has been rocky at times...but neither of us would ever leave each other...we talk about everything, he does all the little things and makes me laugh. He's my best friend. We have a awesome marriage.
But his family still reminds him of all the bad ways and things he has done. His Mother treats the kids differently. She treat her daughters different than her son. (my husband cannot stand his sister and hasn't spoken to her in a year)His sister was just done so many outright devilish thinks to me and to my child and her brother. We had a huge blow out last year and since then we try very hard to avoid each other.And every so often...they call or have my niece call...to start crap. Not just calling to say hi...having the child deliver adult issues. Then his mother calls...and says that we are taking it the wrong way...she Always defends her. Now...I used to say I am sorry to keep the peace. Lord knows I don't ever want to be between him and his family. I know that the issues truly don't lie with me...they have no relationship with there son and frankly I don't know if they even like him. he is 37...today. He is a completely different man than the one I married. And they don't know him enough to buy him a gift.
But they won't leave us alone. We haven't denied them seeing the kids. They go to all the family functions...that they want to attend. We are not calling them and will say hi...in passing (my husband talks with his mom and dad). But since all this we are called Hypocrites and that we should work it out for the sake of the family. And damn it...I'm done...so is he. They try to control things, call and give unwanted advice...what WE should do...
We have a 16 that has done everything possibly wrong...this year...she calls to inform us that she knows something about him...but can't revile her source...We ask that when the 16 yr.old is with them...that he be bought back by a certain time...they ignore that...or excuse me...got side tracked...
Anyways...I could go on forever.
My question is this....
I am angry...there is a new situation this week. I'm sick of the drama...we have enough in our home already.(son got suspended for drugs for 10 days this week and his mother is asking about taking his daughter on a weekend trip...a pageant on fathers day weekend...our daughter said no...and we didn't want her to spend the weekend...with his sister..if it was only his mother than we wouls have no problems with it, but we have problems with his sister and the things she has said to out kids and how she raises her...we just dont want her around her for any length of time. He told his mom...and what does she do Sunday...has her try a dress on that she bought her to do the pageant!!! ...that they will be home on fathers day and that she will get to see him) Well...he told his mother no already. She calls and wishes him a Happy Birthday...then goes into...well I really want her to go...she will be back in time...And gets all upset when he said that he already told her his answer...and she says that he needs to just think about it a bit more...that it wasn't fair to her granddaughter...and we where being selfish.
Why wont they quit? I am so tired of being hurt over and over...watching my husband be hurt over and over.
What do we do? Tell them no visits with the kids...and completely cut them off? Or do we let her go...and stay the weekend in a hotel room with the 2 of them? I say hell no...but I don't know anything anymore!
Talk god that we love each other so much and talk about everything...because if not...this would all be talked about in divorce court...love is what keeps us strong.
Any advice is welcome and my best friend of 15 years...keeps telling me to write a book...all our friends and my family think his family is awlful...and the hear the day to day stuff...they all told us to completely break all ties with them. We never had because of the kids...and no matter what...That is my Husbands mom and dad..and family.
ok...I'm done...
thanks in advance

(((((((((((((slkisstephanie)))))))))))
It sounds to me like you and your husband need to set up some clear boundries for his family. I am wishing you the best of luck.

I had problems with my family and with the exception of my mum (who I love dearly) I have cut them all off ! And life has been really good for the last six years or so, no arguments no phone calls no interefering no winding up and telling lies its all gone. I will protect my children with my life they have the right to a happy childhood without adult problems.

Trish.

Forgot to add the list of people that was affecting me.
One brother.
Three sisters.
One adult neice.
Plus partners.

It means I dont get to see their children but its a small price to pay.

Hi, slkisstephanie, welcome to PsychCentral. I'd have your husband decide what he wants to do (since it's his family) and then both of you put that into effect. I think if it were me I'd move as far away as I could get to stop as much as the drama as possible and "import" :-) the one or two people who weren't big troublemakers a couple times a year. I wish you luck!

***WOW***

I can identify with the situation, how you got together, the difference in relationships with his ex v. you.

Know that you're not the only one that has to go through this DRAMA! My boyfriends family does not even speak to me. Not for the same reasons as you but because he asked me to keep his books instead of his mom. I say, "WHATEVER" - if it makes them happy to go around being pissed off all the time - by all means go ahead. I know when I lay my head to rest at night - I have no problem.

I think Perna has a good plan. Move as far away as you can from them and the DRAMA (if that is financially feasible for you and you can do that with children involved - not sure of that situation). And yes, since it's HIS family - he has to make some concrete decisions as to where he stands. One thing I can say about my boyfriend (who is a recovering alcoholic) is that he did stand up and tell his family that he wanted me in his life, I was always going to be there, and if they didn't like it - to shove it. And also that why were they mad at me when HE ASKED me to step in and keep his books because I have the knowledge, the Business Degree, and they don't.

SO yeah, I think the first thing is - you're gonna have to make some decisions together (and him mostly) on who you want to import, who you need to cut off, etc. I know my boyfriends ex has her own set of mental issues and now he keeps their conversations short and sweet. And mind you she TOTALLY TRIES to call and just "chat". I think it's helped him too - since she used to constantly throw his self esteem in the gutter.

Perhaps one of the reasons you were able to help your husband recover from drugs is because you boost his self worth. He shouldn't let those people beat him down - from experience - it's a recipe for disaster.

***GOOD LUCK AND HUGS****

The time share is split with the kids...he drives 60 miles every other Monday, and every Tuesday and Wednesday morning to get them back here to go to school.They are here every morning to get on the bus and every afternoon till 4:30 on his exs. day.. Wed, and Thursday are here and every other weekend. A little crazy but it works. The school works like this...3 elementary schools feed into the middle and high school. They all want to go to school with there friends.We chose to live in the district when my husbands ex moved out of it...she had issues with the in-laws also. (she left them with a house they co-signed for and built a new house after 7 years.)
Our daughter goes to a different elementary school...because we tried the one that she should go too and it was a awful experience. My niece and nephew also go to that school too.
Believe me...if it wasn't for the kids...we would have already moved to the beach (our dream)
I don't speak to any of them...or try not too. My husband maybe talks to his mom once a week or every other week. They call here. My poor husband has stood up to them for years. They just do not respect him or that they are HIS children. His mother sits and argues with him and most arguments...end up bringing up the past.
And someone hit the nail on the head...
I am the one that has always had to help put him back together. I am the one that had to help re-build him. I love him dearly and want what is best for us as a family. I think he still wants for them to approve of him. Because he hasn't always done the right thing. I don't think that it is something he would ever get...unless we won the lottery. We choose to be broke...I stay at home so that the kids always have a parent there...teenage years isn't the time you leave them. We have one income...but we do have a happy home.And our children get to see a healthy marriage. (my husband and I both know what we where doing with no one around...we where there!! Not happening with out kids!!)
He has told them...if it has anything to do with my sister...leave me out of it. They don't. They want us all to get along.That our issues are causing issues with the rest of the family. Why? because we don't go to family functions where we do not feel comfortable? Cause we don't like those people??? And I am not saying I'm sorry for something I didn't break anymore. I did that for years...trying to figure out what it was that I needed to change or do different to make the relasonship work.
I posted a blog (mind you only his Aunt has Myspace) February 2006 after my daughter's 8th B-day party. I had had it. My sister in law came with her kids. My daughter's little b/f of 2 years was there. My niece was running after him..he's screaming at her to stop, and she continues and is trying to kiss him. I asked her to stop...she continues. My daughter gets very upset. I asked her mother to speak to her. She doesn't. I tell her child that that's enough and to quit running after him in my house...10 mins. later...My sister-in-law says to me.." I am going to take my child home so that my daughter can behave at her party" I responded...I think thats' a great idea. That was it for me. Always blaming my child. It never has a thing to do with hers. She then goes running to her mother...and I am wrong...again. So forget it...I'm done. Back to the blog...I never called out any names or a certain situation. I didn't tell anyone that I posted it until a few days later...I told my husband. He wasn't happy about it but told me that I had to do what I had to do. His Aunt forwarded the blog to my sister in law...she forwarded it to everyone she knew...the next day...it had 171 views. I had a whole 50 people on my friends list then. It started the war...
I have no regrets...that day I let all this go.I thought. But it seems that it will be nice and quiet for a few months...then a phone call starts something... and not us calling them. My husband has said to them...and he is fine with a Hey, Bye, Love you relationship with them. That it had to be that way. That he doesn't trust them. That he thinks that it will never change.We don't go to family functions, they only reason we even see them is because of the kids. Which by the way...is a whole another story...

ohh and..He has set place boundaries...they argue that with him...and choose to do what they want to do...

You and your husband and your kids are your own family now, and that family has to come first. Your husband's two kids are older now, and you should invite them into the discussion because they will be adults soon and need to see how adults should be handling these things. Explain the situation to them, and ask how they would feel about limiting contact with your in-laws, or even moving away.

Get caller ID and stop taking their calls. If you don't think simply not answering the phone will be enough, then write a nice long letter, (everyone should be involved in writing this) explaining that your family (you, your husband, and your children) has to come first, and since your in-laws can't respect that, they can longer be apart of your lives. Then stop the contact. You don't want that kind of poison behavior infecting your children.

I had a problem with my in-laws (specifically my husband's mom and step-father) and we simply do not speak to each other. His mother, under the influence of his step-father, tried to be very controlling of our lives, even trying to decide our wedding date and what sort of job my husband should have. My husband will occasionally have brief conversations with his mother, but they "stick to the weather," as it were. We don't speak to the step-father at all (we politely ignored each other at a local fair we all happened to be at) and we've made it clear that he is not welcome in our home.

Of course, it helps that we live on the opposite side of the country now.

The kids know all about it.(they want us all to get along..)..The oldest is Nanny's boy...and because of his behavior at school(he's not aloud to go anywhere, but his grammothers to go to church) and we refuse to go to the church that the whole family goes to..the oldest wont go to the church the girls go to.He goes with my mother-in-law.
I have written a letter...unopened and returned. I do not answer their calls...at all. I want nothing to do with them.When they come to drop him off from church..i go in my bedroom and close the door.
They all went on vacation instead of coming to our wedding...the WHOLE family...he did have a sister that was 9 months pregnant the came.
the kids don't want to move..because of the school's they go to and their friends.But as soon as they are out the house...we will be pack and ready!
I wish my husband would stop all contact. And it is rare that their is any. But, anytime there is any contact...all you have to do is give it a few days...and all hells breaks out.

Well, seems like you are really in a tough spot.

Maybe this will help. Perhaps you two could change your attitudes toward them. (this I have found very helpful in my situation).

Looking from what you say....you and your husband love each other very much and except for the family drama - you have a great marriage. Stand rock solid and keep it that way.

I would start taking things with a grain of salt. If you guys don't really care what they think - then don't accept it. If the kids can't accept that you don't want anything to do with them then maybe you need to explain to them that this is the way it's going to be....that it causes turmoil in your lives and although they are family.....you have YOUR family to think about too. Harsh but true.

Then, I would just start stopping it before it starts. Encourage your husband to hang up the phone when the conversations begin to turn derogatory. I've been known to say (when a conversation becomes heated), "Look, it's obvious we don't see eye to eye, I'm done discussing this with you, good-bye.". These people seem kind of toixc. Don't add fuel to the fire. Cut them off as much as you can. Let it roll off your shoulder.

I know it's easier said than done but, I practice, practice, practice. If they know they get to you - they will continue. Maybe you can convince them to write you guys off as a lost cause. Or at least shut up when they know they can't get a rise.

With the way you have written about these situations - it's the only possible solution I see to your mental health and marriage. I think he should get the attitude that " Their approval is not needed."

I say to the HE double hockey sitcks with them!!!!!!

Sad that the children are cut in the middle. However, being some are older - they will see with their own eyes eventually. And if they don't there is nothing you can do about that. But to save yourself and your family - just treat them like dust. No big deal. I have the attitude of "Whatever helps you sleep at night." Get your rest and take care of you.

By the way - I forgot to mention. Really sad to see you going through this as someone who is trying to raise children in a healthy loving home.

I believe some people just cannot live without drama.

And as for the blog on myspace thing - I understand getting your feelings out (I'm a blogger too) But - at that point - they knew they got to you. It fueled their fire. But don't run.....don't hide in your bedroom when they drop them off. It's YOUR HOME. YOUR CASTLE no matter how poor you choose to live. That is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

I don't go in my boyfriend's mothers house at all because she is a complete you know what to me and she makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. I choose not to play her game. I have a life to live and WE DESERVE TO LIVE HAPPY.

I know this sounds crazy, but I just asked my husband if he knew that his mother and sister never miss their Soap Opera's. I have never been a fan of that kind of stuff, but they even tape it!! I think spending that much time and all the drama...makes them conniving people. It seems that they aren't happy till some drama is going on. I even told them I was ok with us not having a relationship and that it was better for everyone involved. I told them that my number 1 concern was what was within these walls. With kids and and ex we have enough of our own drama !!I need no more!!!
And I don't why this is brothering me more than my husband. He told me this morning that I am letting this bother me more than I should. He said that it was hard and took along time, but he realizes that he will always be the black sheep, they will always treat him different and that they will never change. He said that he doesn't care about what they approve of, this is the way it is. And then he said I need to move on.
But I know he is still hurt. He said last night...my parents didn't even give me a birthday card. That's what hurts me the most, to see him sad. And then it angers me...and I want to ram there car...not that I would...but make them listen. Then i would end up with a broke car and the relasonship no better...

thanks for everyones help...i should be in the clear till Mother's Day...then the crap will start again...

Now his mother wants to do a pageant that we already had planned for the youngest.May 20th. And of course she wants to do it all...not sponsor her ...do it all. I have never asked her to do that for the youngest. She hasn't asked to come to the oldest's Volleyball games???This is stepping on my toes big time.Why would she not even come to 3 or 4 pageants (when the youngest has continued to do pageants and gave up all the other activity's to them solely!!) in 4 years for the daughter that has been doing them. The oldest quit on her own. Just recently said she wants to try one.That she wanted to do a small one just to get her toes wet. And she has helped and watched my niece do them for 4 years. My sister- in -law and her have put on 4 pageants this year. Never inviting her granddaughter's to them.And all of a sudden want to do it all for her? I think something stinks. I had it out with my husband. Because he is sooo put in the middle. And I am sad that I make him feel like he has to put me 1st. before his own mother. He does...but what is he going to say to her? Ohhh...Stephanie thinks its not fair? ANd then she can come back with some comment like...it's not always about (insert my daughters name here)?? Becasue believe me...while I sit here and cry...I've heard that plenty.
Will my sister -in-law be in tow??? While I'm doing it all for the other? The relasonship between my step-daughter and I is great. WOuldn't the youngest be sad that Nanny was doing all this for sissy and never for her? And the oldest...won't she feel like I am making the youngest feel more special?While I stand beside her and do all this for my child. I took them both to a state pageant a few years back...had to raise over 1,000.00 to go. Plus food and hotel and hair and make-up. ANd 10 outfits and 10 pairs of shoes, pack it all. Make portfolios of them both. And chorograph 2 winning talents! I am just overwhelm in the fact...that I can't win. My husband can't win. ANd I don't want his family to win. Over and over and over...they hurt feelins...and not just mine. They disappoint, the stab us in the back and talk about us. I have tried to have no contact...and look what happens. I really don't want this to end my marriage. But, I can't contiune this anymore. I don't want them around me. I know deep down my husband just wants thier approval ..and I don't know if he will ever get that with me and my daughter in his life.
Because after 13 years...I still carry that Scarlet Letter about my chest.

My hubby wrote her a letter...making it very clear the Grandparent's role and the boundaries. She got it on Sunday. Hubby talked to his dad today and they have agreed to live by those boundaries.
Here is the letter...names have been changed
Mom,

Since I have a hard time talking to you without getting upset on sensitive issues, I have decided to write you. I have multiple reasons why I am declining to let Beth participate in the upcoming pageant with you. You are always so careful that you don't spend a dime more on one child than the other, but when it comes to time spent, phone calls, lunches and other things the balance is far from fair. The phone will ring 3 times a week from you for Bray, but never for Beth or Ellen. Pageants are something that parents should take care of. I don't want to give the impression to anyone that Grandma had to step in and do what Me, Stephanie and Renee (hubby's ex) should be doing and we would have been doing if the child had shown one ounce of interest until now. If you want to help by sponsoring Beth, or help get her a dress like Stephanie's mother did with Ellen that is fine. Any help beyond that is not needed. Where Renee may not choose to participate, Stephanie is more than happy to. In all honesty, Stephanie does not need help getting either girl ready for a pageant, as she has done it for 3 years by herself with no help from any Grand Parent.

If you want a relationship with Beth, pick up the phone and call her, go have lunch with her, go to one of her volleyball games, have her over for dinner, or take her to the mountains. Any of these things fall under the category of "Grandma", but pageants, proms, weddings and such fall under Mom and Dad. When and if you decide to start doing these things, remember that there is a 3rd grandchild here as well that enjoys her time with the 2 of you. Don't think for a second that both Beth and Ellen haven't made numerous remarks over the years about how "not special" the 2 of you make them feel. I have said these things for years, but it just falls on deaf ears.

We have discussed several times the respect that I expect when it comes to MY children. It is a constant argument, and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want to live in harmony and when it comes to the people in this family they make it impossible. I truly appreciate the stress you put on me on my birthday. You couldn't just call and say happy birthday. No, you had to use my birthday as a way to pressure me about the pageants. I stressed all day long over it. That was such a nice way to spend my day.

The choice is yours on pursuing relationships with your grandchildren. I gave several suggestions and would be happy to listen to any that you may come up with, but pageants are not an option. That is our responsibility and we gladly accept it. This is not open for discussion and I would prefer this to be the last time I have to say no.

I love you both,
Chad

Way to come through hubby!!