Surviving an abusive -x who has custody of my kids.

I have been separated and divorced from an abusive -x who has custody of my kids because of my mental illness,(DID). I live in what could be an ideal situation for my kids and works for the most part, a block away - far enough to be out of his site and close enough for my 4 children to get to easily,
My children are 19,(daughter, away at college now); 15; 12; and 10 yrs (all boys).
Though their father is not abusive physically to the kids, verbally they take alot at times. For the most part, he has been a father to them though and they have some good things they share.
For me, of the other hand, he is very controlling, using $ and plans made during time I was expecting with the kids. Our custody agreement is 50-50 legal custody, he has 100% physical custody and I have liberal visitation. I don't want rigidly set up times because if I'm in the hosp. I get no leeway.
My kids have adapted to this set up well. I can see them at school and school events and at the bus stop or when they stop over. We have a very close relationship.
Most of the time life goes farely smoothly until the abusive control streak begins. At that point there is no point in asking for $ that was previously promised for an event and he has even gone as far as leaving me totally stranded by refusing to give me a ride home. Not that I really want to get in the car with him, but it's embarrassing with the kids in the car knowing that he is refusing to give me a ride.
The man is totally rageful and I'm his target when ever I let down and he get's the chance.
I could take him to court over the $ issues and him keeping the kids from me at his discretion, but I feel it's not worth it. The kids and I make do with little $ or food, I send them home to eat if I don't have anything.
I don't know what I'm looking for as advice. He swears that my mental illness is just a conveneint way for me to torment him when he wants to go away. I always cover the kids with good options for where to go if I'm in the hosp. when he's out of town. Theyve come to the point of wondering what his problem is when they are being taken care of and it's not good enough for him.
The kids know about my disorder and are comfortable asking questions etc, and they know I'm getting help but they are saying that he is much sicker than I am. Unfortunately, I have the DX and am in the hosp. to frequently to gain custody.
I guess maybe I just needed to vent alittle. Thanks for listening.

Hi Listener,
There is definately somethig healing and cleansing about getting it all out. Im thankful there is someplace like this where I can when I need to to. I know divorce is not easy. Ive heard of amicable divorces, it does happen, but it wasnt my case either. Too much emotional investment to be rational, uncertainty about the future, grief, feelings of failure, anger, betrayal, Im sure I left out more than I put in. But thats enough for anyone to go a little bonkers. In my situation, I could see the marriage was failing long before she could. In my macho bravado, I suggested divorce long before she did. When she finally agreed, I did a turn-about Houdini would have admired. But she wasnt buying. She took our son and moved to LA, 1200 miles away. Im not going to point fingers. Things got real ugly, real painful. I made a lot of mistakes, out of fear, I thought I needed to do something to secure visitation, I granted her custody. Things didnt mellow out. To her, anytime I wanted to see him, which meant I had to take at least a week from work and travel and book a motel, etc., was not a good time. Im not real agressive, but it must have seemed that way. I was worried I would never see my son again. I had to force myself to see that this wasnt about me. The person who mattered most of all, and still does, was him. I made a choice to back out of her and his life. I havent seen him in over 10 years, even talked by phone. Many would say that's irresponsible, that I have a duty to be there. I was a child of divorce myself. Nothing more painful ever happened in my life than when mom and dad split up. I used to wish on stars that they would get back together, it was all I wanted in the whole world. But it didnt happen of course, mom and dad hated each other. When I was with one, he/she would bad talk the other and vice cersa. My two favorite people in the world hated each other. I couldnt put my son thru it. She re-married, had a lot more kids, they lived happily ever-after. Some day when my son is older, I will tell him why I did what I did. Her family is close to where I live and I can find them anytime. If he cant understand, then I can only hope that someday he will. Im only sharing this to say I understand how hard it is to be away from what you love more than anything. It is very ironic that you sound the more together of the two, yet he has custody. I feel the judicial system entirely failed me too. In a perfect world, we could all afford the high priced sharks that earn a living ripping families apart. (just a little resentment here) I hope you can work things out with your ex, but if you cant, give your kids a hug for me.

"This too shall pass...."

I certainly know where you are coming from nowhere.
I had a son and a shotgun wedding.(back in the days) I was 16 yrs.old
My husband was neither abusive or mean..we just were too young. I gave up my rights to raise my son (I had been brought up in a family with so much negativity).My mother was manic/depressive(never diagnosed) and my Father was diagnosed paranoid/schizophrenic.(after Pearl Harbor.)
I knew that my son's dad was stable and came from a close knit family.They were so laid back, compared to my own.(In mine there was constant screaming) It was very difficult to leave and go from Texas to New York and just call on the phone..(if dad allowed) My ex remarried and had 2 other kids..I came back to Texas when my son was 14 yrs old. It was like meeting him for the first time.He had no resentment towards me) After he graduated, I explained to him how things were. He is now 32 yrs old well adjusted and I know that he understands that I had to "break that chain."
As I look at my sisters life and how her kids turned out..(daughters.. 23 yrs, has 2 kids and not married and still in to the get "high" scene..Other one is 20, pregnant now for the 3rd time( different fathers of all 3) and not married and shirks responsibilty.
It helps me to realize that I DID make the right choice!
good luck to you listener..and hoped I have helped in some small way.
Nowhere..good luck to you..I wish you the best in life!

Thanks for the good support. This is a late thankyou but I had to go out of town. I appreciate your story. It's hard to figure why people would do this to there kids. Good Luck, Listener