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Old May 07, 2008, 11:34 AM
stolen_innocence08 stolen_innocence08 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2008
Posts: 99
I dont know how far I will get with this, but we will see.

So yesterday I lost someone special to me. Over the near year ive know her, its all ive done, push her away, pulling her back, overloading her, trusting, push away, pull back, love her, hate her. My relationships are honestly so bloody problematic its scary. We have had good times, dont get me wrong. But I became so seriously overly dependent. I trusted her at this point, got myself comfy with the idea she wasnt leaving me. She said she wouldnt let me down, that she cared, loved me etc, that she hasnt got a daughter and what not. For the first time since """it""" I felt cared about, special. I didnt have anything or anyone else I could trust like I did her in my life.

I dont like it when friendships change, I am such a child when it comes down to it......my thinking is "all or nothing, black and white". If I cant have my needs met, which are extremely childish because of my missed childhood (can you tell I had therapy yesterday???) I would rather NOT be friends or speak to them again. I cant even imagine having a "different" friendship, especially after I was extremely dependent and close to this woman, that I trusted her with my inner thoughts. Having a casual friendship, I.E not so deep, isnt a choice for me emotionally or mentally. I cant get my head around having that. I seem to find it deeply impossible. Infact for me, it is impossible. I suppose thats where boundaries come into play. I dont have any. She didnt set any bounderies. So I piled, suffocated her, I didnt know when to stop. I didnt know she would ever even think about hurting me, especially since shes a survivor too, and she knows my history. It crossed my mind every day but it came to the point where I relaxed. My guard came away for too long. And she strikes. That stinging pain of when you look back and realise your mistakes, how %#@&#! up your ideas and thinking are, I mean, its cost me this friendship. Even if she does ever contact me again (which is extremely unlikely) it wont ever be the same. I will miss it, miss her...I do miss it, I feel F*cking pee'd off...I cant believe I let her in!

But at the end of the day, its my fault. At the time, I didnt realise the above. And now shes gone....

But then part of me thinks, you know, she was the first person I told about the CSA and believed me, and let herself be there for me, so perhaps she bit more than she could chew. Maybe she didnt know how unstable and actually %#@&#! up I was. She actually thought I WAS stable. I am kind of wishing she thought more about getting so heavily involved with "someone like me"...I mean, Christ people, I have issues!!!!! Who wouldnt?

Anyway, I am rambling now. I dont really know what to do, I dont want to loose this friendship, as I dont know how to live without it, its extremely difficult to function emotionally...guess thats dependence for ya!! But then at the same time, ive already lost it....as soon as she heard my voice she cut me off, been ignoring me the last few months, not replying to emails, text messages...is it really worth it? DO I deserve a friend like that?? Oh by the way, it was her way of "cooling" things off as I was so dependent. Am I right in thinking thats a little harsh? She could of told me!

Now I am feeling isolated and confused, lost..I guess. It hasnt sunk in yet..bit shocked to be honest! Lesson learnt...trust is honest to god not worth the heartache.

Now, what do I do? Is there any point in trying to save this friendship?

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