Ideas of some things I can do for my husband

I'm trying to work things out and communicate more.

I recently read the book "Five Love Languages," and I think I've decided that my love language is gifts and physical touch, but my husband's love language is probably acts of service.

He takes out the trash, does the laundry, other things around the house even when I don't ask him to. I always say "thanks for doing the ___ honey" but I'm not sure how far that goes to tell him that I really do appreciate it. And I know I'm horrible at this part - if he does the laundry 'wrong' or puts the dishes in the 'wrong' spot I do sometimes get upset. I will try to control that.

But...I'm thinking that in order to show my love to him in a way he understands - I need to return the favor, and do some 'acts of kindness' for him.

Now before you all tell me he needs a BJ...remember...his love language is NOT physical touch. That is for sure.

What can I do for him to show that I care?

Maybe cook a nice dinner? Wash his car for him? Clean out the garage?

I have been taking my daughter for a walk in the evenings to give him a break, especially on the days he is home with her all day. I hope that helps.

And I left him a little note in his wallet this morning that said I Love You and thanks for some stuff he recently did.

Any other ideas?

I do think our marriage can still be saved, if I can control my bad behaviors, and communicate better with him. I do love him. I really do. I'm meant to be with him. There are too many strange coincidences that forced us together - I really think we were meant to be together for some reason. I want to keep working on it.

Razzleberry, I think those are all really good ideas. I like the idea of not "correcting" him so much when he does do jobs. I know when I try my hardest to do something and the response I get is that I didn't do it quite right, it makes me feel rejected and like "why bother?" It is good to give positive reinforcement for what they do, even if it is a bit different from how we would have done it.

I'm curious what are the other of the 5 languages of loving besides acts of service and physical touch? That sounds like an interesting book.

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Razzleberry said:
I do think our marriage can still be saved, if I can control my bad behaviors, and communicate better with him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is good. I'm wondering though, what about him? This may not be the case for you, but in my own marriage it was not enough for me to change my behavior and actions, even though I did until I was exhausted with the effort. Both my own therapist and our kids' therapist have pointed this out to me. In a relationship that was in difficulty, I kept thinking of how I could change to make it better, what I could do and say to make it better, etc. I never considered it was a 2 way relationship and so I shouldered all the burden on making the marriage succeed on myself. I never expected the other person to change or try or do anything to help save the relationship. So if I was doing it all again, I would try to follow the advice of these professionals and not try to do it all myself. I would try to have open communication and provide space for the other person to say how he was going to change, what things he was going to do. And if he didn't see that he had a role in the success of the relationship, then I would not be so dumb and stay together so long. Now that I look back on it, it seems obvious to me that both people should contribute in that way, but somehow when I was in it, I thought it should all be me. I have done the same thing in other relationships. I sure hope I can learn this time and stop doing this.

I wish you luck, Razzleberry and especially applaud you for wanting to have good communication. I think this piece is really key.

get a sitter for the night. make a nice candlelite dinner with the soft music. no pressure for physical stuff. just a nice romantic dinner.

I always write sweet nothings on my napkins in my husbands lunch. Also is he a greeting card guy? My husband loves the humorous ones.

I think its wonderful that you are wanting to do this, I can't wait to read some of the responses.

Hey,
I'm no expert when it comes to relationships. I've had my share, but when you know it's right...it's right. I recently had similar problems where she was scared cuz I reminded her of a couple of ex's. We sat down in neutral territory. We just had a "conversation". I expressed my feelings. She expressed hers. And I expressed that I am NOT her ex's and that I am a GOOD person. That she doesn't need to fear me or relate me to the ex's. It worked....it really worked. Now we are very open, less strained. I believe in transparency to it's utmost, honesty, and above all...look into his eyes and vice versa with undivided attention and tell him what he means to you....and how you appreciate him ....He should get the message.

well just simple things that you could do for him maybe give him a break from doing house chores for the day yeah it will not be so much of an easy task even like you said the garage his car those are all good ideas on there own

> his love language is NOT physical touch

Maybe he is scared of that. If so, then he can actually change that part of him only slowly, so that he doesn't get panicked while doing it.

Do some activity with him the he enjoys / has interest in.......... as men BOND with others thru doing.

(ex I played Paintball with my Husband, even though it hurt my body - ouchie.
..... see pic link above.

The Five Love Languages are:
<ul type="square"> [*]Quality Time [*]Words of Affirmation [*]Gifts [*]Acts of Service [*]Physical Touch [/list]
I highly reccomend this book. They do have a book-on-CD version as well, and a Men's Edition.

One thing they say is that a person can "speak" one language to their loved ones, but "hear" a different language. For example, he may do Acts of Service to show his love for me, but he only thinks I love him if I give him Words of Affirmation or Quality Time, or some other language. Or, he could 'speak' and 'hear' the same language.

There is even a similar book on love languages for children. And now that I think about it, that may be one reason why I never felt loved by my parents as a child - they spoke the wrong 'love language' to me. They rarely hugged us, and my language is physical touch. And whenever I get my family a nice, slightly-expensive gift, rather than them appreciating the effort, I get teased by my mom that I spend too much money and I'm spoiling everyone. When in fact, gift-giving is one way that I really enjoy showing my love. It's not about the cost, it's about getting the person something they like. But my parents just don't understand that.

And I think that I 'speak' in physical touch and gift-giving, but I 'hear' more of the "Words of Affirmation" language maybe. It really makes my day when someone compliments me in any way. And I get upset when my husband doesn't notice something like my weight loss or new haircut and say "you look nice."

Anyway, I think I may ask my psych nurse again about marriage counseling. She mentioned it last week, and said she could provide that even though I'm already a client. I wasn't sure. Should I use her for marital counseling AND medication management? Or maybe find someone else for the marriage counseling? I did see one in the phone book that listed sexual issues as a specialty - should I try her?

I do think that one of the problems is that I make more money and have more education than my husband does. I have tried countless times to help him realize that I really respect him as a loving father, and it does not bother me that I have to work. But I wonder if this is a huge issue for him, feeling like he's not providing for the family. I don't know how to help him realize that I would love him no matter what job he has.

He is actually downstairs doing the dishes as I speak. I went to the store to buy flowers, and while I was gone he did the dishes. I am now upstairs, should be studying, but drifted online again. I think tomorrow I will try to clean the floors and straighten up our paperwork on the house while he's at work. Maybe make him a nice steak dinner on the grill. And then spend the evening with him, rather than studying upstairs. I can study later that week, but if 'quality time' is his language, I need to put that in priority too.

And one more thing - I am going to ask our regular babysitter if she would mind watching our little girl maybe one night a week, or every-other week. We need to go on more "date nights" together, without our 2 year old. Even if all we do is walk to the lake and watch the sunset - we need some quality time together.

Maybe just offering to do something he likes to do.

Ask him what he wants. And listen, let him really explain, say all he wants to say, even let him think about it if he wants to and get back to you.

This is a big thing for me also, to listen, to really listen and give people time to answer.