[bensoc]

Hello, my situation is very complex, I hope I can describe it

I am 26, I am the son. I happily live alone 20 miles distance away from my parents who are in their middle fifties. I have one sister who is pregnant and all the family are waiting the good arrival of her baby girl. My mother and I have always had a happy close but equally mysterious, deep relationship and in my childhood, passive things occurred which went beyond the realm of good healthy mothering, I do not remember what happened exactly but I have always felt a deep rooted attachment to my mother which she has definitely manipulated. She herself suffered a bad childhood which I do not know the details of but I feel that in some way she went over the top in loving me as a mother into a more twisted sexual territory which I am blind to the history of, and quietly screwed up by, but just about ok to live with, again I don't recall the events, I am emotionally scarred which I cannot talk to anyone about in view of helping matters, this means I feel very vulnerable and frightened about getting involved with a girlfriend sexually, and socially (which I will describe later). My mother over the years has become more and more not Mother, she has made subtle sexual advances to me as there are issues with my parents relationship. As my sister is married and in their eyes 'living' and having a life, I have been seen as the little gem of a son who will eternally keep the happiness of his parents till they grow old.

I am a very sensitive, passive and endearing young person, I am something of a hermit, which in some ways I don't mind and I have recently gone to a group of people with Aspergers which I can relate with a little. Sometime ago I came out to my parents to say that I definitely have aspergers and this has been something of debate between us, confusion on my part and mother's denial of anything "wrong with him" and ignorant of conditions. As I say although at the same time genuine motherly love, she also exists a mysterious side of denial, deep rooted guilt and dark psychological fear of rejection which is the basis of her manipulation.

My sexuality has never been defined but I am interested in females. My parents, in their own eccentric way, have offered incest as a way of breaking my virginity, both of them, also a few of their friends they have tried to arrange for this to happen, which given the person I am have shyly refused and walked away feeling perplexed by this behaviour. So me being fairly grounded refusing to turn to drugs, drink etc. I have had one year of practicing transcendental meditation which has improved my levels of fear and anxiety considerably and also grown in deep insight and I am at a point where I can almost hold my own with my mother but I am still scarred, and inadequate in interaction and feel very nervous about going into a relationship with a girl, but I feel like it could be the only way of saving my sanity.

The story develops further...
My father has recently lost his business, not to his fault but the location of the buildings have been sold on, an inevitably predicament the family knew would come. My father's life energy was his business and now the future for my parents is a strange one, quite uncertain. I am very worried about my father right now because he is a genuine man and in some ways innocent like me who has worked hard all his life for his family's financial future. As I said before, my mother is very mysterious and manipulative and I worry now about my father's mental health and what she is doing to his mental health, because she has this thing about me and her. Also due to the business going, I have to move from my own house (which they pay half the mortgage, but that will cease), they have been diplomatic in discussion about where I should move to but they have a kind of 'spell' over me where it's hard for me to speak up and stand tall about what I want, you see there's a blurring of goodness and yet twistedness in how my parents approach me, because they want me around and not to move away.

Life has gotten really dark, I feel that my parents want to cling on to me to help keep together their world, (I do understand this need) but this hampers my own future and aspirations, and I am starting to think that I must move away to find happiness. There's a side to them that wants to see me happy, but there also is a long term desperate side to them, needy of my company.

More to the story...
Due to my personal problems with Aspergers I recently left my job as it was a new environment which I couldn't handle, especially with the girl sitting across from me, gave me a hard time and since meditating I have become a little more withdrawn and finding it hard to find confidence and have been unemployed for 3-4 weeks, I am trying to find a job every day but I have confidence issues. My parents in their own way are supportive but due to them 'running the show' and my vulnerability they tend to get the final word of things, where I should live?, the price of house together with job and income....I am 26 but they do take advantage of my insecurity and social disability...

To settle things down i've tried to get my mother to meditate to try and mellow her out a bit, thinking this might help the whole situation. Given all these events it's hard to keep going. It would be nice to hear any simple advice for me.

At the moment I am considering just moving well away and finding a girlfriend, find a job and I would have to rent somewhere and leave the majority of my possessions behind....

thanks for reading

[Perna]

Hi, Bensoc, I would go with your gut reactions and move away, find the girlfriend and your own life, etc. At 26 it's time to make a life of your own not so enmeshed with your parents.

[Doh2007]

There's something called emotional incest. It's when a parent uses the child to get their needs met. As a young adult, I felt my mother was trying to seduce me. It might have been one of the ways she'd found with others to get attention, but it was extremely creepy. Mind you, she'd never touched me growing up.

Also, if one's father is absent or preoccupied, it's difficult to grow into a sexually complete adult. You don't feel like your father's there to protect you from your mother, so you repress your sexuality.

Finally, for me, it was a matter of not being allowed to be angry. My mother treated anger like it was a mental illness...of course it was ok for her to be angry. And anger is the way we protect our boundaries. So if our parents don't let us grow up and they have the power to anesthetize us, it's really hard to leave home.

So physical space is pretty important. The more you can be independent of your parents, the better. I wouldn't get a girlfriend just to prove your sexuality, but you might because women make good friends.