[SettingBoundaries]

I have been dating a man for a little over a year. I met him after he and his wife of 26 years separated and he moved to the city where I live. We dated casually, for about 4 months, before our relationship became intimate and he tells me often how in love with me he is, which I feel is sincere. He is from North Carolina, where you have to be separated for one year, before you your divorce can become final. He has three children, one of which has graduated from college (female 24), one is a senior in college (male 22) and one who is a senior in high school (male 18). I have a son who is a junior in college 21, a daughter who is a freshman in college 19 and a daughter who is 11. Last December (07), he invited his children to the city we live in for a visit and to meet me. His boys came but his daughter "had other plans" and we all went out to dinner together, all of my children and his two boys. The dinner was very pleasant, not too long and everyone seemed to get along great. Since then, I have been around his older son (22) on several occasions, including his sons' choosing to join us at the beach for the 4th of July while visiting my boyfriends sister, and everything couldn't have gone better. His daughter (24) refuses to meet me and his younger son (18) does not ever want to see me again. It is important to him to be integrated into my life, he participates in a lot of family activities with us and fortunately my children like him very much. His 18 year old recently had a fit about wanting his parents to get back together because he wants things "how they used to be", and to complicate matters, my boyfriend goes back and stays at his ex's home, at least every other weekend, with his son. Their divorce will be final in the next week or so and they have agreed to not sell the house until the end of the school year, so his son can continue to live in it until he goes off to college. My boyfriend and his ex have worked out a schedule so one or the other is there every other weekend, so for the most part, I don't think that they are staying there together. My issue is this: Up to this point, I have not gone to visit with my boyfriend in North Carolina. And though I have made a very concerted effort to stay away until his divorce was final, I feel that he has a totally separate life there that I am not a part of. Now that his divorce is going to be final, I would like for him to find a place other than his ex's house to stay so that my youngest and I could go and visit(I would sleep with my daughter) on ocassion, expecially since he is there so frquently, and begin to be as integrated into his life as he is into ours. I feel that it would help his son move past his hopes of "things being like they used to be" and to see that while the situation may be different now, different doesn't necessarily have to be bad. I am very supportive of his going to spend time with his son alone and respect that they need to have time for just the two of them. Unfortunately, I was involved with a man prior to my boyfriend for 5 years, who had a daughter, that absolutely wreaked havoc on our relationship in a similar manner and I am terrified of finding myself in the same situation again. Please Advise!

[tat2doc]

Sounds to me like he's got his cake and is eating it too. And speaking from a guys point of view, it could just be that you are something he's using to help him get over the wife. An ego booster of sorts until he can move on. But not knowing him, I really can't say for sure.

If it was me, I would use caution.

Someone once told me to "Watch the feet". The feet take the body where it wants to go. So if he really wants to be with you, and a part of your life, that's the way he'll move. Any other way, in a reasonable time frame, and I'd be gone.

Best of luck though.

Hmmm...Sounds a bit fishy to me. Just guard your heart, hon. Don't set yourself up for heartache. Good luck!

[SeptemberMorn]

My present and second marriage was a "mixed family" situation. The ones to cause the greatest problems in the adult relationship are the kids; if not all, there will always be one.

Your boyfriend's 18 yr old son doesn't seem to accept reality for some reason. Maybe Dad hasn't given him enough to go on so that he CAN believe it? Your boyfriend isn't doing his son or other kids any favors by "staying with his ex"... if indeed she IS his ex.

If indeed your bf loves you as much as he says he does, it's time to tell him to "don't tell me... SHOW me!" by not staying with his children's mom anymore. I agree with the "Watch the feet" comment. He needs to have walked away from the ex and towards you quite some time ago.

[meander]

I also agree with the advice above. I think you should talk to your bf about it though -but be sure to emphasis what you're feeling about it, rather than accusing him of anything (not that you seem to be) since the reason he stays there probably is just plain convenience. Guys sometimes don't think about how their partners would feel about certain actions - not because they don't care, but because it just hasn't occured to them - so talk to him about it I reckon.

[JxnChosen]

I saw watch yourself. His children are adults. Why would he need to stay at his "wifes" house with his son?

I would stay anywhere other than my ex's house if I have a current SO just out of respect for the current.

Goodluck...