[seeking]

I had a very short 6 week affair 6 years ago. It was a mistake and I did not see the good in telling my husband but he suspected something was wrong. I believed it would do more harm telling than not telling. I still loved my husband and wanted to proceed with my marriage. Unfortunately I did not cover my tracks well enough and he found an incriminating document on my PC through spyware that he loaded.

I understand the hurt an affair could cause a person. We were living together for 5 years when he decided to go back to his ex-wife and give their relationship another try for the children's sake. We were not married at the time. After a few weeks he came back, asked for forgiveness and if I would take him back. We were both still living in the same house as neither of us could afford seperate places. I realised that I still love him and regardless of what he did I wanted to be with him. Now in retrospect I don't know what I was thinking. But we did get married and have been together for 15 years and married for 10.

He has not forgiven me my affair as he keeps bringing it up. Accuses me of things when it is all innocent. Yet he chats up girls on the internet and have received photographs from one. He has also befriended a young girl who is part of our circle of friends (the same friends I wanted to go out with one night without him). She sends him sms's and phones him regularly.
We had gone away for a weekend 2 months ago with a group of people and she was part of the group and since then they have had contact.

I suppose today I am in a particularly bad place and confronted him with this information (I have known for a while). He said the photographs was from someone he met over the internet. I asked him why would he entertain the idea. If someone contacts me over the internet (skype) I immediately cut the call, not interested. If someone had to send me photographs then there obviously has been more than just simple conversation. Would you not send a photograph if you wanted to know more about the other person?

I also asked him why he is having conversations and contact with a single girl when she has her own friends. He says he thinks she is lonely and after all it is part of our social circle. I told him I actually don't care if he has friendships with single people, has coffee with them etc etc. As long as he does not give me the 10th degree when I do the same. I told him I just want to know where I stand.

Strangely enough, he did not get angry or shout as he usually does, he simply kissed me goodbye before he went back to work. He was a bit upset to know that I had been snooping on his computer, but you know what, it is exactly what he did to me.

So do I leave it there? I suppose there is NO MORE trust left in this relationship. Do we talk about it again? What is there actually to talk about? He says he does not have the time to have an affair and when would he actually do it? Why does he then entertain these kind of things?

Thanks for listening, I would appreciate your advice.

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Seeking -- Welcome to the forums.

Many issues are involved in the information that you have posted. The only simple answer is for you to get counseling. Talking with a counselor will help you to sort through the many feelings that you have about what is going on. If your husband will go for marriage counseling with you, that also would be excellent.

Individual and couples counseling can work together. In individual counseling, you can sort through your issues so that you better know what you want to focus on in couples sessions. But if your husband refuses to go, please get support and feedback for yourself.

Best wishes for working things out.

Sounds like you need to talk. You will have to decide if you can trust him. But before that I think you need to ask him some hard questions. Does he want a monogomous relationship? Is he willing to do the things to work toward a healthy relationship? Is he trying to get revenge for the past? Is he having an affair?

I cant say this is the best to do, but it seems as if these are the things you would want to know to move forward.

esthersvirtue

[(JD)]

IMPO you both need to go to Couples counseling and see what it is you both really want. Double standards never work in a marriage (don't work well in any part of life.)

If he doesn't think he needs it, then you have your answer.