[bananasarecool]

sorry if this is in the wrong place, or if its not what you want to hear. this is just stuff that i want to get out. that ive been keeping held in forever cause i dont want to seem like a faliure. i just think ill go nuts if i keep this all held in. ive kept everything else.. and ive missed some stuff out. im not looking for sympathy. i just want someone out there to know.

so the whole school - litterally hates me. HE asked his brother infront of me and he wouldnt reply. so i am now completely destroyed. i got the usual stares going into school. and i kept trying to walk normally, seeing as i normally do with a bit of a limp, but only when im trying too hard. and i did my usual flicking my hair back, rolling my sleeves up and ajusting my skirt as i walked, alone up to the gates. where HE was, with THEM.
i sat in silence in math. cause at least there miss chooses where we sit. and SHE really doesnt like me since i had that argument with HER.
and i didnt have my homework. i couldnt find it.
and HE blanked me too. one of the two only lessons ive got with him. and i shouldnt like him so much. i really shouldnt. cause then i just mess it all up. he doesnt like me anyway. i think hes even got a girlfriend.
then its drama. i walk in about five seconds late but before the teacher. all the girls are crowded round the desk talking. that side of the room is full now. so i go into the middle, to the nearest seat and sit in silence, while they eventually sit down, but keep on talking. i feel as if the whole world is staring and laughing at me.
im dreading having to do the work. cause SHEs in the room again. and i dont know who the hell im supposed to work with. i know they all think im annoying. and that they dont like me. to my relief the teachers choosing groups today. but then when my name gets called out, everyone laughs. and SHE's got to have me in her group. so all i get is dirty looks. all lesson, while we're reading the script. and naturally, hes given me the smallest part. so i feel as if im obviously not good enough at drama. another girl in my group pays me a compliment about my earings. i say thanks and blush.. i dont get complemented, really. not ever.
its break. i dash to the loos and try to sort my hair out. the hair that "doesnt look like i do anything to it" which in actual fact takes half an hour every morning. and i cant straighten it properly.
then i go up to the room. and theyre there. the two friends i definitely know i have. and im not as close to them as they are to me, but theyre nice. and theyre all ive got. when theyre mucking round and doodling, i have to bite my tounge to not correct their grammar. but ho hum.
then weve got science. i sit next to the girls in the room, trying to pretend like im not such a loner anymore. then miss puts us into groups. and im moved. and i sit on a bench, the only one on my own. one of the boys tries to take the mick and taps me on the back, pretending it wasnt him. everyone laughs.
so i sit alone. well no, thats a lie. i moved one seat left, and sit next to a group of girls. i probably seem like an anoying scrape but i dont want to seem like a loner infront of them.
i fail my work.
lessons over. i go outside and try to push the door open again. i cant, so i say "i think its locked." someone opens it from the other side, and a girl from my class says "someones weak!" and they all laugh again. so i quickly run to my next class. alone. again.
i walk in and drop my test by accident. 5/10. the teacher picks it up, gives me a look and walks away. HE still doesnt say two words for me. one of the only lessons i can get through, cause i dont have to worry about where to sit. theyve got a seating plan. its kinda sad. i actually look forward to these lessons. cause of HIM and not worrying about where to sit. as i sit down one of the girls says "always so over the top. hey, im *my full name and surname* and im so happy. so enthrusiastic. yay!" and gestures to running in the room. i blush and keep my head down while the others all laugh. so we work. i realise through the lesson i havent seen my phone. panicked, i empty my entire bag next to me to try and find it. its not so much the phone, its just the pics i took of myself, to try and make myself look nice. to put them on my empty, friendless myspace. i dont care about the money. my parents are always pretty broke. but its just the pictures. ican imagine someone with my phone, laughing at me. so i dont let anyone touch it. just in case they see and laugh.
i finally find it. ive missed half the work. oh well

he gives us a 2 minute break. HE throws an eraser at me from across the room, and winks. his way of saying hi. i throw it back and smile. so does he.
then someone shouts out "oh just ask eachother out" and me and him blush. and stop.
end of the lesson. i walk past him and we dont talk again. he smiles but walks on. my two friends are waiting outside. for me or for her boyfriend? i dont know. i dont care. they still waited. she tells us of her past bullumia. i sigh longingly. ive tried. i cant make myself sick. i fail at failing i think, looking down at my fat legs.

last period. i see everyone elses presentations. all longer, better than mine. i cant show mine. no way, then sir'll tell me off. and theyll laugh. halfway through the lesson a guy turns round and says "are you going out with HIM". the girl next to him says "hes got a girfriend already!"
the other guy says "yeah, now its HER" how i wish it was.
the boy next to me makes another remark about me being a stuck up *****. which im not, in anyway. but i act rich. one less thing to critisise me for, isnt it? i even hope nobody finds out i used to live in a flat.
just six more months of this. then i dont have to come back. ever.
i draw the same heart on my hand over my birthmark that i do everyday. i count the minutes down till the end of the lesson.
registration. my friend sits next to me, for once and asks me to wait for her. i tell her i cant. she asks why. i say ill miss my train. i actually just want to be alone with HIM again. not the guy from french. my sex buddy. well actually, my enemy with benefits. he treats me like crap. he hates me. he *****es to everyone about me and tells me ive got no friends. and i know its true, my "BEST FRIEND" who now goes to a different school told me yesterday shes only friends with me because otherwise but i just want to feel wanted, at all.
so she says fine then. but then we get taken down to the head. and she asks us about some girl hitting me. which never happened. she says she thinks i know what shes on about. i just stare blankly. terrified that this girl actually will hit me. she goes to talk to her latin teacher. i go to the train station. nearly running. but looking out for this girl too, just in case. i cant wait to see him. i dont know why. im just happy when im with the guy who treats me like crap.
i get there and shes not there. but im just in time for my train. i go up to them, wanting to ask about this girl. so eventually i ask, and theyve heard nothing about this. ive tidied my room for once, just in case he wants to come over. when were on there i sit opposite him. i put lipgloss on, looking away. the guy who likes me now hates me. because i was upset about him telling his friends we had sex. pitiful. but i dont care about him. i only want my sex enemy. we dont have sex, just kiss. outside his house on a hidden bit. lying down...weve met twice now. on the first day he asked me... it was before i knew he hated me. then the week after. after the last half term..well ive been looking forward to it. last time we met though, some guy he knows saw us. i think this might mean we dont meet like that again.
so anyway, we get off the train. and he goes to the shop. i decide to wait, knowing that he hates me. hes probably gonna take the mick.. but im taking another chance. just in case he wants to meet. he calls me an idiot jokingly. so i call him one. he says "at least ive got friends". i try to change the subject first, then say "well i do." he goes name them. this is the hard part. i dont know whos *****ing anymore. so i just name them two and stop. he goes haha i was right. he then tells me his dog died, hugs me sideways which he hasnt done much before and walks off. i think the hug was a sorry for the firends comment. the guy that used to like me walks of too. he hates me now. so i walk home alone again. i look at the park where i had my first kiss. it was a dare.
ive never had a real boyfriend and im 15. ive been forced to do sexual things... but ive never had a boyfriend.
i consider whether to go and get food or not. i choose not. im gonna stay on this diet. i want to be so hungry ill pass out, just so i might fall and feel something. anything.
so i get home and i really just want to cry. i look at myself in the mirror. i say hello to my father. who just grunts back a hi and carries on working. i think... no i KNOW he hates me. im definitely not his favourite.
i put a picture of myself on a question and answer site, but under a fake name, bebo and email. just incase someone i know sees it. i dont want people to know i feel insecure. i leave a comment on a few peoples myspaces. theyll probably just think im annoying. i do.
im on breaking point. i go to the living room and stroke my dog. i go back to my room and lock the door. and i just stand there. facing the inside of my room doing nothing. so i sit down again and i start to type this.

and thats a good day.