[Razzleberry]

We have been to 3 sessions with this counselor. We had started going to a different counselor, but then he had a stroke! We only had 2-3 sessions with the first guy, so we didn't get too far.

So, I brought up the issue of the infidelity. I had an affair from January - June of this year, and also had a half-dozen one-night-stands back in 2006, and one short affair in 2004.

My husband basically says that he's over it, he doesn't care, he just wants to forget about it all and move on.

The therapist agreed with him!

I just don't get it. Aren't we supposed to work through issues in therapy, not just shove them under the rug and never deal with them again? Aren't we supposed to get into WHY I cheated, and fix it so it never happens again?

The therapist just told me I need to get over my guilt, and move on.

I'm just confused.

What are we supposed to talk about in therapy, and what is the therapist supposed to help us with? I just feel like it's a huge waste of time and money.

In our session yesterday, we discussed the lack of sex. The therapist basically sent us home with a 'homework' assignment to get lucky over the weekend. Okay, fine, but how does that fix 8 years of resentment? How am I supposed to deal with all these issues? I have lived in a sexless marriage / relationship for probably 6 of the last 8-1/2 years. One weekend of sex won't fix that.

I'm so frustrated.

[mountainhigh]

You definitely need to figure out what caused the original breach in your relationship and you should be able to talk about the things that concern you, in therapy. Sex is important but it sounds like communication and intimacy are things you need to work on as well. It would be great if he forgives you but I think it would be dangerous to forget it happened because it may manifest it self in other ways. A little guilt is also not a bad thing as long as it does'nt turn to hopelessness. Stay with the therapy but you need to insist on dealing with the issues that bother you. And keep posting on PC!

[e_sort]

whether it's right or wrong for the therapist to just allow your husband to say forget it, he doesn't want to talk about it, the fact is that you DO want to talk about it, and that can't be ignored. it sounds to me like you had your affairs for really clear reasons (6 years in a sexless marriage!) that need to be addressed. it's almost like a cry for help and here is this therapist shutting you down.

you might need to find another therapist. there's no shortage of them.

i have a sense that physical closeness can sometimes lead to emotional closeness, so there might be something to that homework assignment. but i don't know, it doesn't seem like it will work if you're so angry about not being listened to (which sounds pretty justifiable to me).

[ncguynva]

Originally Posted by Razzleberry

We have been to 3 sessions with this counselor. We had started going to a different counselor, but then he had a stroke! We only had 2-3 sessions with the first guy, so we didn't get too far.

So, I brought up the issue of the infidelity. I had an affair from January - June of this year, and also had a half-dozen one-night-stands back in 2006, and one short affair in 2004.

My husband basically says that he's over it, he doesn't care, he just wants to forget about it all and move on.

The therapist agreed with him!

I just don't get it. Aren't we supposed to work through issues in therapy, not just shove them under the rug and never deal with them again? Aren't we supposed to get into WHY I cheated, and fix it so it never happens again?

The therapist just told me I need to get over my guilt, and move on.

I'm just confused.

What are we supposed to talk about in therapy, and what is the therapist supposed to help us with? I just feel like it's a huge waste of time and money.

In our session yesterday, we discussed the lack of sex. The therapist basically sent us home with a 'homework' assignment to get lucky over the weekend. Okay, fine, but how does that fix 8 years of resentment? How am I supposed to deal with all these issues? I have lived in a sexless marriage / relationship for probably 6 of the last 8-1/2 years. One weekend of sex won't fix that.

I'm so frustrated.

First let me say it is almost too weird that you are posting this. This is nearly the SAME exact scenario that I was in until recently. I was on the opposite end of the table however. I am also in the military and currently in Iraq and I learned that she had been seeing another guy since I've been here.

But back to your story. I believe, I am no therapists, but because the lack of sex you did not feel close to him. He neglected you, just as I neglected my wife. She also neglected me but in other ways.
I started working on my car ALOT more once she kept letting me down in the marriage. The car became an obsession with me and I neglected her even more.
Simply put, if he neglected you and your sex life wasn't something that you were happy with and he didnt try to fix it or tell you why his sex drive was down, then it was neglect. He has to look in himself on why his sex drive was down.
I remember reading an article online (cant find it now), but the best way to increase sex drive is to just do it. I don't know how true that is because I am filing for seperation right now. But I tried I realized my faults. Your husband needs to look in himself to find out why the fire went out of the marriage.

[Doh2007]

My experience is that you will address what caused the infidelities just by going to counseling. Assigning blame doesn't do anything to forward progress.
Sex will get better as you look at your issues with the counselor. Be proactive. If something is bothering you, bring it up in session.

Best wishes.

[searchingmysoul]

Marriage counseling is so hard!

My H and I have been in counseling together for the last 10 months. And in that time we have had 2 counselors. The first seemed to be making us worse, so we went to another one. The second has been much better and seems to "get" us individually and as a couple. But it has not been easy at all. It is such a struggle bringing up all of the old resentments, hurt, and neglect in our relationship.

Originally Posted by Doh2007

My experience is that you will address what caused the infidelities just by going to counseling. Assigning blame doesn't do anything to forward progress.

Also I agree with the above quote. My experience has been showing up and making a commitment to talk about what is going on no matter how scared I am has helped...Even if my H doesn't want to go there.

Take care

~searching

[Razzleberry]

I think we have just been emotionally disconnected for so long, that is why there is no physical affection. It's not just sex, it's any form of romance. There is always an excuse - working late, kid not sleeping at night, just too tired..everything.

I know we need to figure out the emotional stuff first. But I don't know how to address it in counseling. He just asks us what we want to talk about today. He doesn't really guide it very much.

It's not all about sex. Sex isn't everything. If my huband was in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down, I should be happy to live the rest of my life without sex, right? If my husband went to Iraq, I should honor him and wait until he got back, right?

So it's not about the sex, really. It's that there is no romance, period. I feel like we are in a brother-sister relationship, not a husband-wife. I do know that he loves me - I used to doubt it, but after some crap I pulled this summer, I finally realized that he does actually love me, or he wouldn't still be married to me. But it's not romantic love. We barely even kiss anymore, we never 'flirt' with each other, never cuddle, never have a night together alone. Anytime I try to suggest getting a babysitter for the night, he finds an excuse not to.

And I feel guilty to even complain about anything, because I am the one at fault. I am the one who screwed up. He didn't do anything wrong. Not his fault he has no sex drive. I should have communicated how I really felt. I never talked about things because I didn't want to hurt his ego by reminding him that he wasn't satisfying his wife. That would only make matters worse. So I kept my mouth shut, and quit trying for anything. Just waited for him to initiate...which never happened.

Anyway...I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to start all over with a new therapist. And this one is 2 doors down the hall from my (individual) therapist, so we can coordinate the appointments one after the other. I go to my shrink at 9:00, then marriage counseling at 10:00, then we go to lunch together at 11:00 and I get to work at Noon. It's working out really well for my schedule. And my husband seems to like this therapist. I don't know.

How do I explain to the therapist that I still want to work through these issues? Or how do I get over them on my own?

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by Razzleberry

How do I explain to the therapist that I still want to work through these issues? Or how do I get over them on my own?

You are right- sex isn't the answer. You are entitled to want to talk about how you have been hurt, disillusioned, neglected, and rejected. You do not have to just get over it.

((Razzleberry)) I hope that the door you are looking for in this reveals itself to you.

~searching

[ncguynva]

Originally Posted by Razzleberry

I think we have just been emotionally disconnected for so long, that is why there is no physical affection. It's not just sex, it's any form of romance. There is always an excuse - working late, kid not sleeping at night, just too tired..everything.

I know we need to figure out the emotional stuff first. But I don't know how to address it in counseling. He just asks us what we want to talk about today. He doesn't really guide it very much.

It's not all about sex. Sex isn't everything. If my huband was in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down, I should be happy to live the rest of my life without sex, right? If my husband went to Iraq, I should honor him and wait until he got back, right?

So it's not about the sex, really. It's that there is no romance, period. I feel like we are in a brother-sister relationship, not a husband-wife. I do know that he loves me - I used to doubt it, but after some crap I pulled this summer, I finally realized that he does actually love me, or he wouldn't still be married to me. But it's not romantic love. We barely even kiss anymore, we never 'flirt' with each other, never cuddle, never have a night together alone. Anytime I try to suggest getting a babysitter for the night, he finds an excuse not to.

And I feel guilty to even complain about anything, because I am the one at fault. I am the one who screwed up. He didn't do anything wrong. Not his fault he has no sex drive. I should have communicated how I really felt. I never talked about things because I didn't want to hurt his ego by reminding him that he wasn't satisfying his wife. That would only make matters worse. So I kept my mouth shut, and quit trying for anything. Just waited for him to initiate...which never happened.

Anyway...I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to start all over with a new therapist. And this one is 2 doors down the hall from my (individual) therapist, so we can coordinate the appointments one after the other. I go to my shrink at 9:00, then marriage counseling at 10:00, then we go to lunch together at 11:00 and I get to work at Noon. It's working out really well for my schedule. And my husband seems to like this therapist. I don't know.

How do I explain to the therapist that I still want to work through these issues? Or how do I get over them on my own?

That post is making me sad because this is the attitude I wanted my wife to have. And the fact tha tI am currently in Iraq just makes it even more spooky/real. I hope your situation turns out better than mine

What is really weird is the fact I came home from Japan for predeployment leave and even though we had agreed to divorce, I came by her/our apartment and started seeing her. It first was just sex and I told her that isnt the only reason i came by. Before I left for Japan, I admitted to her I had neglected her and I was going to make everything right. I told her I was going to bring her to Japan when I got back from Iraq.
So I kept coming by the apartment and I was showing her that I did lose sight of what was important to me as a husband. I showed her for two weeks (the whole length I was home), that I had become the husband she wanted me to be. Then she kept flip flopping that she wanted the divorce, she didnt, she did, she didnt. Then I told her to wait and see what happens when I get back from Iraq. I have called her at least 5 times a week, emailed her at least once a day, and sent loving myspace/facebook messages at least 3 times a week. I gave this marriage that was dying 150% and i am the one deciding to end it now. She wouldnt make future plans with me, she wouldn't stop seeing guy friends, and she lied to me about seeing guy friends. Granted I cannot control who she is friends with or not, but i told her considering her actions, i am not comfortable with her seeing guy friends, especially ones I do not know (which is all of them). She deemed it necessary to do it (at least) one more time.

It seems your husband needs my attitude on this and my wife needed yours. I guess what made me change was the fact that I was going to Iraq and I had alot of regrets once I thought about it. That is why I gave the marriage another chance. I didn't want to have any more regrets with her. I did everything I could, even from over here.

[ncguynva]

Originally Posted by Razzleberry

I think we have just been emotionally disconnected for so long, that is why there is no physical affection. It's not just sex, it's any form of romance. There is always an excuse - working late, kid not sleeping at night, just too tired..everything.

I know we need to figure out the emotional stuff first. But I don't know how to address it in counseling. He just asks us what we want to talk about today. He doesn't really guide it very much.

It's not all about sex. Sex isn't everything. If my huband was in an accident and paralyzed from the waist down, I should be happy to live the rest of my life without sex, right? If my husband went to Iraq, I should honor him and wait until he got back, right?

So it's not about the sex, really. It's that there is no romance, period. I feel like we are in a brother-sister relationship, not a husband-wife. I do know that he loves me - I used to doubt it, but after some crap I pulled this summer, I finally realized that he does actually love me, or he wouldn't still be married to me. But it's not romantic love. We barely even kiss anymore, we never 'flirt' with each other, never cuddle, never have a night together alone. Anytime I try to suggest getting a babysitter for the night, he finds an excuse not to.

And I feel guilty to even complain about anything, because I am the one at fault. I am the one who screwed up. He didn't do anything wrong. Not his fault he has no sex drive. I should have communicated how I really felt. I never talked about things because I didn't want to hurt his ego by reminding him that he wasn't satisfying his wife. That would only make matters worse. So I kept my mouth shut, and quit trying for anything. Just waited for him to initiate...which never happened.

Anyway...I'm not sure what to do. I don't really want to start all over with a new therapist. And this one is 2 doors down the hall from my (individual) therapist, so we can coordinate the appointments one after the other. I go to my shrink at 9:00, then marriage counseling at 10:00, then we go to lunch together at 11:00 and I get to work at Noon. It's working out really well for my schedule. And my husband seems to like this therapist. I don't know.

How do I explain to the therapist that I still want to work through these issues? Or how do I get over them on my own?

I know I keep saying this, but you and I aren't in a different situation. It seems I needed my wife to have your attitude and your husband needed my attitude.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Razzleberry

How do I explain to the therapist that I still want to work through these issues? Or how do I get over them on my own?

Just tell him and ask him what he suggests. Just a suggestion, but maybe, at least for right now, you could work on these issues without your H, since he seems to be over your infidelity. You could work on this with your own therapist or perhaps this couples therapist would also see you individually. Not all therapists do that, but some (like mine) do, if they have the training for it.

You said, "I should have communicated how I really felt." I think this is key. When I was in couples therapy, we worked on communication a lot. How to tell the other person things, how to really listen when the other person was speaking, how to not get defensive, etc. Also, being able to tell the person your needs is very important. And having the other person willing to try to meet your needs, at least some of the time, is important too. If you want more romance and the other person says I could care less what you want, there is a problem.

I was in a situation very similar to yours in some ways, Razzleberry. I was married to a guy who rarely wanted sex. He just had a low sex drive, I guess. He didn't like it when I tried to initiate--maybe it made him feel pressured. But yet he would rarely initiate himself. A woman could die waiting. He also was incapable of emotional intimacy. It was pretty lonely living with a guy who didn't value sex or love. I did not respond with infidelity, though, so you and I are different there. However, now I am responding with divorce. It's a better solution for us than playing the field but remaining together.

Aren't we supposed to get into WHY I cheated

Do you know? Is this something you have worked on learning in individual therapy? If you know, does your H? If you know why you cheated, maybe work in couples therapy on the dissatisfaction rather than framing it as the reason you cheated. For example, if you wanted more emotional intimacy, say to your H that you feel emotional intimacy is lacking in your relationship and that you would really like that. You don't have to add, "and that is the reason I cheated on you."

He just asks us what we want to talk about today.

Next time he does that, tell him some of the issues you have brought up here. If you raise those and he says those aren't worthwhile, call him to the carpet, and say "you asked what we wanted to discuss, I tell you, and you dismiss it. So, what do you want to talk about since you aren't willing to talk about what I would like to discuss?" See what he says. Maybe he doesn't realize how dismissive he is being. Also, can you talk with your H outside of therapy and identify some issues both of you would like to bring to the table? What issues does your H want to discuss when your T pops that question? Maybe he has concerns that you haven't heard yet.

I think focusing on sex is rather superficial. Often, problems in the sex life are a symptom of something else that is wrong, rather than the cause. JMO.

If you have a good relationship with your own therapist, ask him for advice on this. Right now my daughter is having some trouble with her therapist, and recently she and I discussed this with a family therapist we see for family therapy. It was really helpful to get another therapist's advice on problems in therapy, kind of like asking a neutral expert.

I hope you'll hang in there with your counseling. Couples therapy is not for the faint of heart. You and your H are both brave and have a commitment to improve things if you are going to therapy. A really good start, IMO.

[Doh2007]

Hi again. I hope things are better. I have two things.

First, I've heard that women need to feel love to have sex and men need sex to feel love---for what that's worth.

And, tell the counselor what you said here: You feel like brother and sister and you aren't sure that your husband even wants to be intimate.

The important thing isn't what your counselor says, it's what your husband says. If you don't think he's being honest with the counselor, tell him that...in session, of course. Save the emotional issues for sessions, where the counselor can help the communication.

We all want to see you succeed.

[Razzleberry]

Ugh, another week and I'm still so frustrated. I'm starting to wonder why the hell we pay this guy, he isn't helping at all.

Now I just need to figure out how to tell my husband that I don't want to bother with this therapist anymore. I feel like we're wasting our time and money.

I did buy a couple books, and I got more out of one book than all our sessions in therapy. Maybe I'll just keep trying to work on things myself.