[butterflytobe]

My marriage has been rocky (to say the least) for a while now, my H and I growing further apart and moving towards self-destruction. My H has a sexual addiction, has unhealed trauma from his childhood (verbal, physical, sexual abuse by his parents), and is codependent in that he enables my bad behaviors. I am bipolar and have love addictions that cause me to seek affection outside of my husband - I am currently having an affair with a coworker. I am also codependent and enable his bad behavior. Together, we are a huge mess.

In addition, my H has been inching closer to being abusive by calling me names, making me feel unworthy, being very critical, telling me I can never leave, that he wants to use me for his pleasure, etc. The last week or so I have been getting closer and closer to moving out, at least for a separation, just to get some clarity and figure things out. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself and don't know how much I can do while still trying to maintain a relationship. My H has been having problems with his parents for months, cutting them off and telling them how much they hurt him, trying to put distance so he can heal, etc. Well, he has started to really uncover some of the deep-rooted pain and he is entering a difficult phase in his recovery. He asked me yesterday to just please wait for a while before I leave since he is going through such difficult stuff. He says he needs me and can't stand the idea of me leaving now. I feel horribly guilty about this because deep down I think I've already got one foot out the door and I'm just waiting for the right time to leave. I am skeptical that he can change his bad behavior and that our relationship can be salvaged...plus I'm not sure I want to save the marriage. It's not that I want to be single so I can pursue a r'ship with my bf, just that I don't think this marriage can heal, nor do I think I can heal the broken parts of me while I'm in this marriage. But I know he would be devastated if I left, I know he loves me and needs me, but I don't know if I can be what he needs. I can't be faithful and I know he would be so devastated if he ever found out about my affair. He has said that is the only deal-breaker now - that if I cheat on him that's it, the marriage is over.

I just don't know what to do.