[dpadilla89]

I love my girlfriend alot, we have been with eachother for about 9 months. Pretty serious with eachother in all the right senses. Back in June, I had very bad self esteem issues, including prior to that. I was also living at my fathers house, when I was kicked out of my moms. I always catered to my mom- in big and little ways for her or even dealing with me for her- including denying that I was a lesbian.

I wanted to go move back with my mom, then my fathers. I lived in Georgia the year prior, with my aunt and uncle. Begged my mom to let me live with her again- i ended up living with my father instead. I figured that if I catered to my mom- basically let her 'overly controll me' like she has always pretty much done- to the max? I could live with her again.. I was still in High School at the time, in my moms town- walking 2miles after school everyday to catch the bus to go back home to my dads, vice versa. So i was already in new jersey by my mom anyways, i was VERY overly attatched to my mother in the worst ways for my own self, even at 18 years old. 1 thing she absolutely hated and looked at me so degrating was me always being a lesbian, hiding it from her or not... So i figured to try and get with a man, too see if i could handle it for my mothers sake- and partly my sake.. I've always been crushed by girls, or sometimes men in the past when ive tried to date them, same with my girlfriend. So its hard for both of us to trust from the beginning as well.. We never met in person till June actually- we met eachother off myspace.. but she did ask me out on April 14th, when we were just chatting through phone, text and myspace. Broke up with me a month after, because she wanted to focus on herself more, still wanted to talk though.. still never met her though till later on in June.

So i decided to sleep with a man, in beg-mid June. To see if that gratification with my mother, would be ok for me in my eyes and hers eventually..

I ended up feeling really guilty, end of june/beg of july. So i did tell my girlfriend, but in the wrong ways. That we drank (which we did) but.. to the point where it was out of my control. i knew what i was doing- yes, but i didnt care because i wanted to go back with my mom or try for myself to put up with it. but i lied to my girlfriend, she felt bad for me but also really really disgusted and hurt. even though we only met eachother 1nce or 2wice the most. we were still growing on eachother, quick also..

she couldnt get it off her mind, for months and months, everyday.. always brought it up to me. asked for me to get his number, i did. she called, confronted him- i didnt think he would really remember, or she would end up siding with him. so we ended up breaking up- probably over a dozen times.. on and off. because she was so hurt i lied to her, kept lying, then she found out because i gave her his number..

she is so in love with me, as i am with her also. she put up with alot- believe it or not. has done more then you could know for me, etc etc. she gets insecure though, that i do like guys- which i dont. it was a matter of being so pathetic and so depressed and my self esteem was so low. heh. she cries, yells, screams, curses me out at times.. because she thinks about what happened in the past. it hurts me alot also, i wish i never did what i did, together or not... because i am madly in love with her.

she said she still is going to keep fighting for us, because she does have faith in me and is very much in love with me. so am i. i would LITT give my whole world up for her.. i have given up things for her such as friends, certain things i used to do, etc. i even ended up going down to her house for about a month.. ended up living in her car because her stepdad is iffy about homosexuality. just to try and start somewhere and prove i am all for her.. id do anything and everything to prove and show i want the rest of my life with her always..

she thought of what happened tonight again, got really upset- very hurt. she wants me to think of some sort of way to help her get over the thought that i did do that- to cope better- feel better about the situation- because she has seen me improve on alot of things, but it still happened regardless. but more of a way, to handle herself better with the situation. heh. ways of trying to forget, or regain my trust back even though ill do whatever it takes, that she wants.... id bend over backwards for her for anything and everything there is. im so in love with her.. <3

i just want to try and help her, cope and feel better about the situation. because, it is for the wrong reasons and i AM willing to prove and show and do anything there is big or small.. to show her im all for her and would do anything to prove it all to her..

any ideas/thoughts/suggestions/coping ways/ etc??? i need advice ASAP!! if somebody could reply back to my email.. with SOME SORT OF ADVICE?? that would be amazing, thanks guys... =]

i hope i get something written back... im in need, i love her soo so much.. heh

thanks =/