[desertnurse1977]

(feel free to browse through my profile for previous threads)

i have been out of the house now for a couple weeks, it feels ok but at the same time i have a large amount of guilt associated with the separation. mostly due to the fact that things are going VERY poorly for her now..... she has lost her job.... her son has acted out and carved a threat to one of the teachers on the wall of the bathroom and was caught (he's 12). he was charged with a felony and removed from the school system.

meanwhile my phone is blowing up with texts and phone calls about how she cant make it without me there - that i am abandoning 'my family' and how it seems like i could 'care less' about them at all - which is the furthest thing from the truth.

honestly i will not lie when i say i am totally confused about this. on one hand i feel like this is mostly my fault for repeatedly subjecting myself to this abuse of my trust. on the other hand i feel that i am some how obligated to vows and taking care of this family - even though i have no legal responsibility to do so (which is basically to me just taking the easy way out)

i don't want to be divorced and go through this mess and hassle. its almost easier to just settle - but i know i deserve better. i also know that if i stay with this and attempt to take care of things that i will be sacrificing not only my own emotional needs, but also my hopes and dreams for the future as i will have to take care of her for the rest of my life - and major sacrifices like school and work are something she will never be able to handle without me being the punching bag.

i guess i am just trying to say that i really have no idea what i am doing with all of this other than trying to keep MYSELF from loosing my better judgment. my job is going about as well as it can - and i don't broadcast my personal problems there just to make the environment comfortable for me to be in - otherwise i would totally be at a loss.