[lifelesstraveled]

I tried to give my mom the benefit of the doubt and see if she isn't as self absorbed as she was when I was growing up. It was always about her, she never paid attention to anything we (my sister, father and myself) did or said. She didn't want anyone in "her space" etc etc and if you were talking to her about something that was not of interest to her, it was written alll over her face (aka blank stare, no follow up questions or comments etc), she never asked how I was feeling or how school was, never asked about my interests etc.

Flash foward to today... I decided that maybe my memory isnt so clear, maybe she wasn't like that (among other things). It seems as though she has been trying to push herself into my life all of a sudden (even though it's always about her..still. Only now she is just sharing more with me about HERSELF). I was in the kitchen cooking and tried to have convo with her....I tried telling about my boss/job and thought maybe I'd get a little interaction back from her and she just looked at me and went on with what she was doing. Then she started going on and on about her eBay account(she is trying to sell clothes), and some second hand store she went to today, and a convo she had with a lady at her church. Then I tried telling her about the ebay store my sister and I want to set up, thinking that would trigger her to ask more about it....WRONG. She just went back on talking about her eBay store and fussing about shipping the items (she's new at the whole ebay thing). ... SHE'S STILL THE SAME....

**Sigh** I tried...

[MyHeadHurts]

Life, I can relate to your experience with your Mom... I don't want to expand on my situation too much right now, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.

My teenaged daughter is getting very resentful of her grandma because she (Grandma) interrupts her every time she (my daughter) starts talking. And we're all going on holidays together at Christmas, then Mom is coming back here for another 3 weeks... yikes. I've promised my daughter that I will speak up and stop my Mom if she interrupts while DD is talking this time. I just pray I can do consistently (and without starting a fight with my Mom).

I don't know the solution -- doing anything but indulging my Mom tends to start an argument. How do you change someone so set in their ways?

Yours in empathy and support,

MHH

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I tried to give my mom the benefit of the doubt and see if she isn't as self absorbed as she was when I was growing up. It was always about her, she never paid attention to anything we (my sister, father and myself) did or said. She didn't want anyone in "her space" etc etc and if you were talking to her about something that was not of interest to her, it was written alll over her face (aka blank stare, no follow up questions or comments etc), she never asked how I was feeling or how school was, never asked about my interests etc.

Flash foward to today... I decided that maybe my memory isnt so clear, maybe she wasn't like that (among other things). It seems as though she has been trying to push herself into my life all of a sudden (even though it's always about her..still. Only now she is just sharing more with me about HERSELF). I was in the kitchen cooking and tried to have convo with her....I tried telling about my boss/job and thought maybe I'd get a little interaction back from her and she just looked at me and went on with what she was doing. Then she started going on and on about her eBay account(she is trying to sell clothes), and some second hand store she went to today, and a convo she had with a lady at her church. Then I tried telling her about the ebay store my sister and I want to set up, thinking that would trigger her to ask more about it....WRONG. She just went back on talking about her eBay store and fussing about shipping the items (she's new at the whole ebay thing). ... SHE'S STILL THE SAME....

**Sigh** I tried...

I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child. I thoroughly understand how you must feel. It can be difficult. All I can share with you is what my dd T said to me. She said that your mother did the best that she knew how to do for her and you at the time. That may sound harsh, but that is what she did. Now my T said, you have to forgive her and love yourself in spite of what you didn't receive as a child and learn to set the boundaries that need to be set with your mother.

In your particular case I would just explain to her that you need for her to hear you and respond to you when you are speaking with her. Explain to her that you don't feel she does that now. But do that when you are ready to deal with the consequences because she may not recognize what she has done and deny all of it...at least that is what my mother did!

Wishing you well!

TJ

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by skeeweeaka

I'm sorry you had to go through that as a child. I thoroughly understand how you must feel. It can be difficult. All I can share with you is what my dd T said to me. She said that your mother did the best that she knew how to do for her and you at the time. That may sound harsh, but that is what she did. Now my T said, you have to forgive her and love yourself in spite of what you didn't receive as a child and learn to set the boundaries that need to be set with your mother.

In your particular case I would just explain to her that you need for her to hear you and respond to you when you are speaking with her. Explain to her that you don't feel she does that now. But do that when you are ready to deal with the consequences because she may not recognize what she has done and deny all of it...at least that is what my mother did!

Wishing you well!

TJ

thanks! honestly, other than what i ranted about above, I dont think I can forgive a woman who told me a few years ago that she regrets having married my father...so technically she also regrets having his children and it's probably why she treated us the way she did--at least that's how I see the situation. She had a mother she loved and had a good relationship with her and she has a good relationship with my older sisters (from a different father). I dont know what it was about me/us... I dont think I have it in me right now to forgive her...guess that is what therapy is for. I just wish i had a mother. I hear all my friends talking about how their mothers are their best friends, and I can't relate at all to those feelings they have...Sorry to sound negative...I would like to get to a place where I can forgive her so I can move on, but as far as letting her into my life, I dont know if I can do that and I dont know if I am at a place to really sit and talk to her. Heart to hearts are not exactly what we do. You keep your thoughts to yourself...kind of the unwritten/unspoken rule...and something else i need to work on in therapy...PHEW i didnt mean to drag on and on sorry...