[StarChaser17]

I'm 19 years old, almost twenty, and my boyfriend is coming to visit me for Christmas break. He gets here Saturday. Last summer, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer (she's fine now, the treatment worked). My mother was a drug addict, and emotionally abusive to me when I was younger, she started using again (she had used before I was born) when I was 12 and by the age of 14 the situation was so bad that I had to move in with an aunt and uncle across the country from her. I had basically shut my mother out of my life until last summer, she had attempted suicide many times, was in and out of jail, and was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. So when she became sick, and was apparently dying I didn't know what to do.

I was in a very fragile emotional state when I met my current boyfriend. I met him while visiting a friend in another state for two weeks. This friend was busy for the first week I was there, so I spent a lot of time with him. We were attracted to each other right away, and got along well. We bonded over the fact both of our mom's were bi-polar, and we had survived abuse in our childhood. We also got along well because we were both intellectual.

Why I was visiting, I started to break down over the situation with my mother. The friend I was visiting was not understanding or supportive, to be fair to her I should not have gone out to see her while in that state. (she found me needing, and always complaining). She was angry with me, and passive aggressive at times, at others she just wasn't there for me. I found out my mother was in the hospital again, she continued to talk on the phone with her ex-boyfriend for an hour.

Because I was far away from my family and support networks, I felt like I didn't have anyone to turn to, but my current boyfriend was there for me. At one point I had a break down in the mall and started sobbing on a bench right there, my friend left to go shopping, but he sat with me. I spent the rest of that afternoon asleep, then that night had another breakdown where I considered self harm, and again he sat with me and talked me through it.

He brought me to church with him, and was there for me emotionally and spiritually. At the end of my last week I got a call that my mother was close to death, and I needed to go see her if I wanted to see her again. I was with him at the time I got the news and he comforted me. I went to my friend to tell her I needed to change my flight plans to get to where my mother lived right away because she was in the hospital. I was in a state of panic at the time, and when she responded with anger, I ended up cussing at her, so she kicked me out of her house, and left me to figure out things on my own.

He let me stay with him and his grandmother, they helped me arrange my flight plans, and drove me 2 hours to the air port.

Overall, he was really there for me when I needed someone.

The problem is, he said he was in love with me the moment he saw me. He told me he loved me within two weeks of us meeting. We've been in a long distance relationship since June, and he has been planning to come out here since last Summer to see me. He calls me love, or my love. Tells me he loves me all the time, and that he misses me so much it hurts and that he thinks of me constantly. He also apologizes for the smallest things. He seems obsessed with loving me and making me happy.

I say I love him, and I do care for him. But I feel like he said he loved me to soon. That after knowing each other for two weeks, we can't possibly love each other in any mature way.

He's coming here this Saturday, and I'm excited to see him, (he's been living for the moment) but I don't know what to feel.

I've told him in the past, last August, and again in October. That I didn't want a relationship, that I did care for him, but I wasn't ready to have my life revolve around him. Things just continued on anyway, and he said he loved me, and he didn't want to date other people.

Honestly, I would like a relationship with him. I think he's a great guy. But it makes me uncomfortable that he loves me, when I don't love him in the same way or to the same extent. I'm not infatuated with him. I'd like us to get to really know each other, and see how we work. Currently, I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt him because I don't love him as much as he loves me.

Love itself is difficult for me. My mother was the most important person in my life until I was 12. I didn't have any close relationships outside of her. Then she fell into drug use and neglected me, abused, and put my life in danger on many occasions. I moved across the country to live with a family I only met once or twice that I could recall. I lived with my aunt and uncle for four years in highschool, and their house became the only stable home I have ever known. They were like my family, but I could never really be theirs.

They never took me on family vacations with them, and treated me different than their children in some regards. For the most part they were very good to me, wonderful to me in fact, but I was never their child. After I graduated High School, they kicked me out of their house, and made it clear it was not my home.

I don't have a home, I have family members, but non of them are "my family" I can go stay with family for the Holidays, but I can't go home for the Holidays.

I don't form attachments very easily. Honestly, I have many friends, but so far I can name only one friend that I truly loved. That friend I met last school year, and before him I wasn't sure that was capable of loving someone at all.

My boyfriend knows I have these issues, and says he loves me baggage and all. He's really wonderful, but I feel like I need to talk to him about our relationship, but I don't know what to say. I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. It's not that I don't care for him, I just don't know if I "love" him.

[seeker1950]

Starchaser, hunny, you are wise to acknowledge that you feel these doubts about the relationship with this young man. First, I have to say that the "friend" you were visiting treating you very callously. Not much of a friend. The young man you met was there for you...yes, but you were in emotional crisis. It is kind of troublesome to me that he is so insistent on being in love with you while you are struggling with all kinds of issues. I understand that you do not want to hurt him, but you may be wise to postpone this visit with him if you feel so unsure of your own feelings.
Here at PC, we have the "Survivors of Abuse" thread. I, and many others post there with thoughts and concerns. I invite you to do so as well.
Also, feel free to PM me at any time.
Love
patty

[StarChaser17]

Thanks, but he's already coming out. He bought tickets to fly out, and we've planned it. I want to spend time with him. I'd like to see how we work together. It's just when he says things like "I want to do anything and everything you want to do. I just want to spend as much time as possible together." That I get a bit uncomfortable, because it seems like he's too focused on me. I just want to know what I should say to him.

[lulu59]

Originally Posted by StarChaser17

Thanks, but he's already coming out. He bought tickets to fly out, and we've planned it. I want to spend time with him. I'd like to see how we work together. It's just when he says things like "I want to do anything and everything you want to do. I just want to spend as much time as possible together." That I get a bit uncomfortable, because it seems like he's too focused on me. I just want to know what I should say to him.

Hi:
I think that you should be honest with him about your feelings and let the relationship ride if you want to be with him. I also think that you are not used to being treated well and that's part of your fear. be real with him & honest but don't give it all up if you have true feelings for him. You deserve to be treated like a real person.

[turquoisesea]

I agree with the other posters that you should tell him how you feel. Explain that in an emotional situation like this it's hard to see things clearly.

Also, please be wary in this respect: I in no way want to down your relationship. But, please do be careful. In a distance relationship it's very easy to misunderstand even when you are careful not to do so. This comes from both sides. Be as clear about what you feel and want out of the relationship as you can, and ask him to be too. It's good that you see each other in person, but a relationship that is primarily online can end up troubling.
My boyfriend's ex was dating him for 1.5 years, with a long distance relationship, they knew each other for 1-2 months of summer then he went to school. He felt like he knew her better than he did... even though that time went by the weren't together and problems that would come up in a relationship where they were together all the time didn't come up.

So what I'd say: 1. communicate as clearly and honestly as you can.
2. take more time than normal between steps in the relationship. Spend as much time as you can getting to know eachother. The more time you give yourself, the better off you are because you get to know him before stuff happens, and you have more time to figure out what you think bout everything, esp in this emotional situation.

loads of hugs
i hope all goes well