Trouble putting the past behind in the past

So, this is kind of hard for me to talk about. To begin with, I'm really shy and insecure, so just starting my own thread seems scary, lol. But I'm kind of embarssed because I dont know how to deal with the situation...

My boyfriend (of roughly three years) and I have been long distance for pretty much the entire time we've been dating. We went to the same high school, but didn't start dating until freshman year of college when we both went to different schools (His in Indiana, mine in DC, but I transferred to a school in our home state, Massachusetts). We've had our ups and downs. We even broke up for 6 months and I wouldn't even speak to him because I was so hurt. We eventually got back together, but I was really scared about being in a relationship with him thinking he might hurt me again. Well, right after we got back together he did a study abroad in Europe. We had a bit of a miscommunication leading to me kissing another guy. He retaliated by hooking up with three girls where he was. Now we're back at our schools in the states, and we've straightened out our problems and realize we want to be together where it's just us, no one else, and eventually get married. Now, I know we're young and that maybe in the scheme of things, we're counting our eggs before they hatch and we could still break up again and all that stuff. But that's not my point right now. I have no real desire to break up with him -- I have sabatouging thoughts telling me to break up with him. But my real issue is my insecurity about the past. I can't seem to move past these events, the last girl in particular. (The first girl he hooked up with I have completely let go; an eye for an eye and so forth). It's mostly the things he said about this last girl that get me so upset. He knows I have issues with this and he knows the state of my mental health; he's very patient and loving. He tries hard to make me understand that I"m his one and only, but I'm not getting the message. Sometimes when we're together, I start to have a panic attack over it all and have to take medication to calm myself down. I'm working on my self esteem and getting rid of the negative self talk with The Workbook of Anxiety and Phobias, but I'm afraid that this is going to ruin our relationship if I can't get a grasp. I've seen several therapists over the years, and will be starting with a new one very soon at my new school. We've talked about the whole thing many times, and I'm running out of ideas of how to make myself feel even a little bit better. If anyone has any tips, or can share a similar experience, that would make me feel so much better!

Sorry this got to be a little long, and thanks so much for anything you guys can offer!

Ro

Long distance relationships are very difficult. How much time do you actually spend together? Do you spend the entire summers together for example?

Every year has been a little different. But normally, we spend the entire summer together (litterally glued at the hip) and visit each other during the school year. If we have a vacation at the same time, then we're both at home, and if we dont, we usually spend some time at the other's school (I just visited him for a week and a half in January, and he's going to come spend a week with me in February). Now that I"m back in Massachusetts, we get to see each other roughly every month. We talk on the phone every night (sometimes for only 15 minutes, others for over an hour) and we text throughout the day. I'd say we're a fairly normal long distance relationship, minus all of my baggage.


Ro

I've done the distance thing - with a bad ending, but that isn't your question.

I've also been with someone who lived in the past - he said he was over her but kept talking about her to the point it got in the way of any relationship we could have.

Do the two have anything in common? Are you afraid that he will go back to her (or someone else) while you are in a distance relationship? He says you are his only one, how does he show that? From a distance it's easier. My problem was that when we got together with no plan on ending it (i.e. not for just the summer or a weekend) things started changing and I found out why he could only be in a distance relationship, and in a way it was a woman from his past.

I don't mean to discourage you, just warn you that things aren't always as they seem from a distance.