[dannyw]

Hello,
I'm a 20 year old college student. I have plenty of friends and always have (for instance I was homecoming king). I guess you could say I am a people person. My problem lies in my self-confidence and self-esteem. I really hate myself and think I'm ugly and just gross. My friends say I’m good looking but I just don't see it.

For instance, I've liked this girl since about October, but I can never make a move because I'm so scared I'm going to do something wrong intimately. It terrifies me. I'm so scared of being ashamed. Plus, I feel like she doesn't like me (even though her roommate has told me she does). I can't tell you how many times my friends tell me I should just go for it. Even my girl friends at parties tell me she definitely wants me to make a move but I just can't. I'm too afraid of intimacy I guess. Oh and every time she hangs out with my friends and I tell myself there is no way she could like me because everyone of them has some better quality than me.

Somehow I actually managed to ask her out on a date (on Wednesday actually) but now I'm have panic attacks about it. I keep thinking about like a goodnight kiss. I feel like I'm going to mess it up and she's going to judge me and never want to hang out again. I feel like I can't do this but I want to so bad. I really like her.

Btw, I have had relationships in the past, and they all went kind of the same way, but this time just feels worse.

Thanks for your time,
Dan

[bonaire]

When I was young, I think I shared some of your situation. I'm 44 now and have worked through some of the self-esteem issues. However, I felt a lot like you when I was thinking of asking women/girls out. I didn't date in high school - I was youngest in my class (grad. at 16), didn't get into social situations. I was introduced to my first girlfriend and it went great for a few years. But if I wanted to meet a girl - I was scared and held myself back. It really boiled down to how I was raised. My mom and I were it - and I was adopted. So, I think I was "shy" as a kid (now, we know that shyness is really self-esteem issues and other anxieties). I always felt that the girl would reject me or not be my type or not like what I like to do, etc. so, you may feel similar.

What I think you would want to do is just "get to know her". Forget looks - just ignore her body. Just go for her mind. "Hi - I'd like to learn who you are as a person." That kind of thing. If you set it up so that you're mind is talking to her mind, you can get over the "typical" stuff of dating that tends to be a big distraction. It's like stage-fright. But most stage fright goes away once you're on a stage. So, take the butterflies in your stomach out with you - and let them fly away at the door when you pick her up. Talk, don't flirt. Ask her questions but also share yourself too. Who cares if the bands you like are not her favorite - or your hobbies seem a little goofy. Who knows - maybe she'll enjoy those parts. If not, then don't punish yourself - every couple has a lot of differences, maybe more differences than similarities.

Best part of dating is sharing what you know "truthfully". definitely don't lie. don't say your dad is the owner of some great company - tell the truth. The old saying is "telling the truth means you have far less to remember." Works out well.

[dannyw]

bonaire - thanks for the encouraging words. The thing is I know this girl. We have been friends for over a year. I'm not saying I won't try to talk "mind to mind" as you said, but the thing is I already know a lot about her, I'm not starting from scratch.

[tat2doc]

I did'nt date much in junior & senior high either. And not that much in adult life either. I still see myself as a nerd/geek or whatever you wanna call it. And I'm 51 years old!

Even today I don't ask girls out cause I think "There's no way they're gonna wanna go out with me". Any relationships I've had, I just kind of fell into and hoped for the best. And most of them were not that good for me.

But I agree with Bonaire that you should ask her out and be yourself. Your chances of a date are almost guaranteed since you know she likes you. So she must see something favorable in you.

What's the worst that can happen? You have a date, have fun, and go from there.

Good luck!