[Slothrop]

Hi folks. Been going through a bad few years in the marriage. Very worried about its survival. I will talk about this more with my therapist and psychiatrist, but just wondered what you all think.

Been married over 15 years. We have a lot going for us. A solid history together. Two great kids, pretty good health, get along OK with our parents...new house, safe neighborhood. Never any infidelity (at least so far as I can tell!! )

I am still employed despite the economy (whew). I have bipolar II but over several years have gotten better control over it...I am functional enough to be the sole breadwinner. I also have inflammatory bowel disease which for now is about as well controlled as I can hope for.

That's all well and good, but my wife has been terribly unhappy for a long time and it is straining the relationship. It's not good for any of us, and especially not good for the kids. She is showing the classic depression signs...a lot of just sitting around, excessive sleep, not caring about her appearance, doing the bare minimum of things, snapping and crying, etc.

She gets an antidepressant from a psychiatrist, plus a stimulant since the same doc believes she has adult ADD. The psychiatrist has firmly told her she needs psychotherapy, but my wife "forgets" to schedule and/or go to the appointments. This is upsetting for me given the effort I have put into getting to all my own therapy and psychiatrist appointments!

The psychiatrist has also told her she doesn't need any more medication adjustments--she needs to deal with being upset with her life.

A couple of years ago my wife opted for the stay-at-home-mom route. I'm not sure that has worked out well for her, but...it is hard to tell. I have told her that she has all kinds of options...and our current arrangement does not have to be THE arrangement. Like, if she wanted to go back to a day job, I'm sure we could work something out.

Anyhow. My first thought is marriage counseling. Maybe a skilled moderator would get us back on track. And I am plenty willing to admit my foibles. Hey, I can't always be a joy to live with either!

But then I wonder how much progress a marriage counselor can make when my wife seems so STUCK. She seems to have lost all sense of what she wants. I have been through plenty of depression myself but even I can't identify with the mental tangle she is in. Maybe she needs a better grip on those issues before we try to make sense of the whole relationship?

So maybe I need to help her find a really good therapist. (I am not so sure about the therapists she has seen before...the way she talks about them, it sounds like they just listen to her for 50 minutes then collect a check without ever offering suggestions or observations.) I could make a commitment to get her to those sessions, even if I had to ask for some flexibility in my work schedule to do it.

I honestly feel guilty for complaining about this given all the terrible crap that goes on in the world. There was a particularly heinous murder in the city where I live over the weekend. Just awful. We have so much to be thankful for when others are victimized like that.

But, something just isn't working for her...something has to change. I so hate the thought of one of us leaving. The kids love us both.

Like I said, I will discuss this with my psychiatrist and therapist, but any comments are very welcome. Thanks for listening.

[AAAAA]

Sadly the only one that can really make your wife help herself is she. Have you tried having a good honest talk with her about it, let her know you and the kids love her but are very worried about her etc?

[Slothrop]

I have, although I'm not very good at it...I tend to come off as critical and pointing out things I think are "wrong," rather than communicating the concern for her. I'm working on it, though.

The good news is that I think she is willing to see a counselor with me and get a fresh opinion on whether she needs more frequent individual therapy, or whether marriage therapy would help.

I found a local therapist with a good web site...I liked her attitude and approach, at least as much as can be conveyed through a few web pages. I'm really hoping this is someone my wife can relate to and connect with...and she is willing to give this person a try.

Hoping for the best!

[Capp]

Slothrup,
I wish you and your wife success as you start this new journey. It's a grand thing if she is willing to go to martial counseling, it takes some of the pressure off her about individual therapy.And it can be a good way to reassure her that you are also willing--that you want to work things out.
Perhaps it will make her amenable to individual therapy as time goes on.

Jme, but feeling so overwhelmed and depressed and hopeless makes it difficult to make any effort to do anything. I'm sure you understand those feelings...
Like everything else, it's one day at a time. I sincerely hope each day brings the two of you closer as you focus on saving your marriage.

Peace,
Cap

[Slothrop]

Originally Posted by Capp

I wish you and your wife success as you start this new journey. It's a grand thing if she is willing to go to martial counseling, it takes some of the pressure off her about individual therapy.And it can be a good way to reassure her that you are also willing--that you want to work things out.

Thanks! That is my hope...that I'm not saying "go get help," but more like "we could use some help"...that I have my own behaviors that are just as open to discussion and improvement! And I agree she does need some extra support, encouragement and guidance to get her out of her slump, and I think a counselor will do a better job than me alone of keeping us positive, and help keep us from frustration as we get this underway.

[nightbird]

Best of luck to you Slothrop and for your family!

You have done a really good job setting things up for improvement...
I hope things go well, and that your dear wife feels better shortly.

One thing that helps me feel better is when my fellow says nice things about me, rather than what I may be doing wrong (like I don't know)... I respond better when he looks for the good that I do rather than the petty stuff, that can wreck a day... and can add to the overwhelming feelings of sadness and frustration... I'm so glad you don't do that.

Peace and Recovering Love to you Both,
Nightbird

[Slothrop]

Originally Posted by nightbird

One thing that helps me feel better is when my fellow says nice things about me, rather than what I may be doing wrong (like I don't know)... I respond better when he looks for the good that I do rather than the petty stuff, that can wreck a day... and can add to the overwhelming feelings of sadness and frustration... I'm so glad you don't do that.

Thanks Nightbird! It is actually my fear that I am too critical sometimes and don't give enough positive feedback, and I really appreciate your mentioning that...it is something I need to keep in mind. Sometimes I am grumpy and negative anyway, and I don't stop to think that she is doing all she can in the circumstances and needs some upbeat vibes from me. I will be sure to watch this!!

[sunrise]

Slothrop, in your post, I'm not really hearing too much fundamentally wrong with the marriage, at least as you describe it. It sounds like you still care for your wife, but that her depression is dampening both the husband-wife dynamic and the entire family dynamic. No fun for anyone!

I think your wife needs to get help for her depression by seeing a therapist. After she's done some individual therapy and made progress, if things are still not working between you, then maybe see a marriage counselor too. Please tell your wife you are scared for the future of your marriage if things stay the way they are. Maybe that will help her see that her mental health is affecting much more than just herself. The loss of a career due to my being the wife was a hard, hard blow for me, and contributed to years of depression. I'm glad you are sensitive to this in your own marriage. I hope your wife can go to therapy and get back on top of things. You say she won't go to her therapy appointments and wonder if you can help her find another therapist. Is it the therapist that is the problem? Do you think if she had a different therapist it would help motivate her to go to therapy?
Does your own T have any words of wisdom about your situation?

[Slothrop]

I think you're right--I need to put this (gently!) in terms of the future of the marriage...I have been through very bad periods of depression that have put a severe strain on the family...now I am doing a lot better, but my wife is going through it herself. So she might be able to identify with how I am feeling in the current situation!

Great point about your career, I think she has some unresolved feelings there. She willingly took on the stay-at-home-mom role, but maybe it's not working...maybe she can't articulate it or consider the other paths she could take. And maybe that's an issue that needs therapy to get to.

I think a different therapist would definitely help, we just need to find the one who clicks...I hope that is the one we're trying next. I do see my therapist tonight and will get her take on this. Thanks!!