[myoasis89]

I'm 19 I first moved out at 18 and moved in with my brother in order to go to college. I just graduated from college and I am going into 3 year at a univeristy. When I was living with my brother his fiance (who invited me to stay with them) soon hated me...she was upset that I wouldn't go out drinking with her (she's 33 by the way) she would get me to take care of her daughter and she wanted me to cook for them. I was paying rent. i had a job and was taking on a five course load for first year....right before final exams...she kicked me out because i wasn't her best buddy...my brother didn't say anything about it...I found a new place to rent out at. Now I'm living on my own with a philipino family...much better off...I enver really got the chance to talk about how my brother made me feel incompetant...I never got to talk about my hurt feelings...i just carried them with me. I was feeling very depressed...i lost my job...I made it through college and got accpeted to the university of my choice...my brother just got a new house...my parents went to see it...then my mom talked to me about how she went to see them...then she was trying to act as if nothing happened...as if he never hurt me...she said...ohh he got you new reading books...I was like...did he talk bad about me...she was like no...then i said did you tell them i got into the university...she said yes...i said...were they surprised...she was like no...and then she said they nver thought you were incompetant...I was like...well I don't think I could face my brother ever again...she said enver was a long time...I said I was relaly hurt by what he did...she said so what...I was hurt by it too but you don't see that I will hate him forever...then i said...well don't you care about my feelings...she said of course...I said well I ahven't really gotten to talk about how it hurt me...and how he invited my niece to stay with them after they kicked me out...and how they embarrasssed me infront of everyone...she said well...you can't hate him forever...

I'm sorry but is it wrong that i should feel hurt...she said the christian thing to do is forgive him...he's thirty...i already said i was sorry...can he not apologise for what he did...and if he wants a relationship with me...the ball is in his court...I don't know what to do...I guess it hurts me so much because the only family I ahve is my mom and dad my older sister who i'm not close with and my brother...I have few friends...I don't ahve a lot of close relaitonships...I jsut feel broked...I'm scared to get a job because this incident really hurt my sefl-esteem...am I so wrong?...can someone please give me some input

[Capp]

myoasis89, hi!
First let me say that I'm sorry that you have been hurt in this way. It's not wrong to feel hurt and upset and have some confusion about everything that happened..I would feel the same way.

Jmo, but don't expect too much from your mother about it. It sounds like she does not want to be caught in the middle of this situation with her children. Jmo, of course.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to take a rest from all of this if possible. Enjoy yourself with the friends you do have; maybe look for a job that won't be too stressful.
At different times in my life I've had to stay away from my family. They were hurting me more than loving me, and I did it to protect myself. It was hard at first but I soon realized how much better I felt--my expectations of them changed and that alone made life easier for me.

When things had improved somewhat is when I initiated contact with them. I did have short phone conversations, but did not visit with them. The visits came later, though.

Many hugs if that is all right?
Cap

[myoasis89]

Originally Posted by Capp

myoasis89, hi!
First let me say that I'm sorry that you have been hurt in this way. It's not wrong to feel hurt and upset and have some confusion about everything that happened..I would feel the same way.

Jmo, but don't expect too much from your mother about it. It sounds like she does not want to be caught in the middle of this situation with her children. Jmo, of course.

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to take a rest from all of this if possible. Enjoy yourself with the friends you do have; maybe look for a job that won't be too stressful.
At different times in my life I've had to stay away from my family. They were hurting me more than loving me, and I did it to protect myself. It was hard at first but I soon realized how much better I felt--my expectations of them changed and that alone made life easier for me.

When things had improved somewhat is when I initiated contact with them. I did have short phone conversations, but did not visit with them. The visits came later, though.

Many hugs if that is all right?
Cap

thanks capp...it mean a lot...finally someone who understands my situation. I understand why my parents would be uncomfortable in this situation...but I need to respect myself...and my feelings...I need to find people who will comfort me...thanks again...I'm sorry for what happened in your situations...it's really tough at times...lots of hugs to you aswell

[Capp]

Originally Posted by myoasis89

thanks capp...it mean a lot...finally someone who understands my situation. I understand why my parents would be uncomfortable in this situation...but I need to respect myself...and my feelings...I need to find people who will comfort me...thanks again...I'm sorry for what happened in your situations...it's really tough at times...lots of hugs to you aswell

I applaud your determination to be respected and to have your feelings honored--it's not asking for too much! All of us have the right to be shown courtesy at the very least.
myoasis89, you have to be your first priority. Taking care of yourself now makes it easier as time goes on...
Families can make you want to pull out your hair, for sure. But it is easier when we set those boundaries and keep them.

I'm on your side, my friend

Cap

I just looked at the clock; nearly 2 am. time really does slip by when I'm on the computer. the voice I'm hearing is my bed calling me...either that or my neighbors are having a party again

[myoasis89]

I guess I feel guilty because my mom has been through nothing but pain trying to raise us kids...relatives were never there to support her...niether were her parents or my dads parents...we were always on our own...I don't want to hurt my mother...or my father....but I'm trying to protect my feelings...I love them dearly...they've done so much for me...but I've always been treated like crap...and it needs to stop now

[madisgram]

sorry, i forget if you see a t. if u do i would discuss these hurt feelings with him/her. i'm sorry you are feeling like this. i do think a positive support system would help you, MO.we all need that validation of worth from others. seems as tho you are not receivng that from your parents. that must hurt. i had to go outside my family to get the validation i needed using a t. he showed me i was a strong person and of value and worth...not worthless, etc. please let us know if you are able to see a t. i really think it would help you as it did me. the part u will play in this is sharing with the t what is bothering you so he can give you guidance and help. please know that i care and you do matter to us!

[Capp]

Originally Posted by myoasis89

I guess I feel guilty because my mom has been through nothing but pain trying to raise us kids...relatives were never there to support her...niether were her parents or my dads parents...we were always on our own...I don't want to hurt my mother...or my father....but I'm trying to protect my feelings...I love them dearly...they've done so much for me...but I've always been treated like crap...and it needs to stop now

myoasis,
Guilt is a wasted emotion...and I know it is difficult to let go of this draining of your spirit..
You are not responsible for what your parents went through or how they handle it.
To be blunt, and I do not mean to hurt you, but you cannot make things better for them. It is up to them. That is their drama, not yours.

While I appreciate what your parents went through, I also feel that you have to protect yourself less you find yourself in the same misery.

I respect you for wanting better things and your willingness to work for them. This is not any reason to feel guilty. If they were roaring drunks, etc., would you not want to follow in their footsteps? Because your situation isn't that severe on the outside, it is still affecting you in many ways.

Wanting peace and respect is grand. You are not hurting anyone by seeking these beautiful things for yourself.
You have to honor your feelings and needs before anyone else can, myoasis. If you keep accepting their disrespect they have no reason to stop it.

You are a worthwhile and beautiful human being,
deserving of respect and courtesy and
Peace-Joy-Laughter
Stepping out of the misery is healthy for you in so very many ways...

Concentrate on you and your strength and belief in yourself will become more solid. In time, resolution of any family problems will be easier since you will be on solid footing within your spirit.
The passage of at least a wee bit of time can also help us see things more clearly. It's already showed you that you are not willing to take their emotional abuse any longer...

Cap

[Rhapsody]

IMO - I would not stay angry and distant with your brother over this woman, a woman that may or may not become his wife.... but what I would do is talk to your brother about your feelings and how hurt you felt when he allowed such behavior from this woman toward his own flesh and blood - and all with out saying even one word on your behalf.

[Pomegranate]

Like Capp I've had to break off contact with my family off and on over the years. With my mother and older brother the relationship is still mostly off because of an abuse issue with my older brother. With my mother it's her not knowing how, or perhaps not being capable of, communicating with me in any kind of respectful or supportive manner. Like your mother, she dismisses my feelings or tells me to ignore them. As soon as I (or anyone) says something to my mother that she disagrees with, she goes straight to attack mode and for the jugular.

I have 2 younger siblings that I have a more cordial relationship with, but those have had their ups and downs also. I used to always feel guilty that I was not able to "love" or "understand" them (all my family members) enough. I took all the blame of these unhealthy relationships on me. Like Capp - Thank You so much for your healing words, Capp - I am still working on and learning how to take care of myself. And I'm trying to learn how to do it in such a way that I am not just dumping on them or attacking them. That's really difficult and confusing for me. But at least I'm not feeling guilty too much anymore for protecting myself and respecting my feelings. What I mean to say is I think what Capp said hit the mark for me, and I very much related to your situation myoasis, and what you are going through. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and I hope that helps you to know that also.

You could try talking to your brother, just the two of you. But that he acted the way he did, and continues to, kind of tells you already what he's feeling, that your feelings and what happened are not important to him. If you do try to talk to him I wouldn't put alot of emphasis on his fiance because that might make him feel like he has to choose between you and her. I would just stick to talking about your feelings NOW. He'll either be supportive or he won't. If he's not, shaming or blaming him won't accomplish anything. (That's what I've ended up doing in the past, exploding, then I just feel even worse about myself.) Protecting yourself by at least emotional distance and not accepting guilt over taking care of yourself is a very loving and good thing to do for you. Separating emotionally from family members can be difficult and frightening, especially if you have any abandonment issues. Like me.

[AAAAA]

When you hold on to these hurtful things from the past the only one you're hurting is yourself. What do you gain by holding a grudge? Your whole family is in a difficult position, your brother was caught between his sister and the mother of his child, your mother is caught between her children. You are doing well now, I'd forgive your brother but look at him in a different light. My own brother lived with my husband and I for about a year. He was a typical 17 year old but the little things caused a lot of problems between my husband and I.

[Capp]

Perhaps we need to honor our feelings, especially when we first discover them. It doesn't mean we are being selfish; it means we are being honest.
That four letter word, Time, is a grand helper in that we can work through so much...without putting undue pressure on ourselves. Once we feel "right" then we can address other issues. Standing on solid ground makes a big difference in the way we are able to perceive aspects of our relationship with our families.
First things first...
You come first myoasis and this shouldn't be negotiable.

Peace and Power to you,
Cap