[Asardina]

Most of why I'm depressed comes from my parents' divorce. I never really dealt with their separation because I was so young when it happened. Both my parents have been extremely supportive of me and my life, my goals etc. I mean I am lucky at how smoothly everything went and that they can still be in the same room together.

The issue though is that both of them admitted to me that if they would have stuck it out instead of getting a divorce they could still (20 years later) be happily married. Now I have a hard time maintaining any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. I continually push people away when they get close enough to me for me to really care about them. I get so insecure that I can't even articulate that our relationship is having normal issues that can be solved by communicating them. My brain stops working and I can't manage to express my feelings.

I had a boyfriend for a long time 3+ years and he was fantastic but instead of dealing with some issues we had (normal stuff that comes up after that long), I left him. We were really serious about making a life together and I really care about him. I left because I was too afraid of getting a divorce somewhere down the line. And now I feel like I'm going to regret all of this. I feel like I'm going to end up feeling like my parents do now. I really hurt him and it kills me inside knowing that. I want to make it work and try again once I sort myself out but I think I might have pushed him too far. We were 'unofficially' engaged, no one in our families knew and I didn't have a ring yet. I wish I wasn't so afraid of everything. It made me so insecure about our relationship. I think that I would have had a very fulfilling and happy life making a family with him and I sabotaged it.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about it either. I don't really have any close friends anymore; I've pushed them away too. I try to reconnect with some old friends but I usually just make excuses and don't return their phone calls. I don't feel like doing anything after work other than sleeping. I don't really have any hobbies anymore; they don't seem enjoyable to me. Even things I really used to love.

I want to fix all this mess, but I think I'm too late. That feeling of defeat keeps me up at night and gives me nightmares. I don't know what to do.

[Umm_kelly]

Maybe you should try writing the guy a letter telling him how you feel. I have a hard time articulating things also and it's a good way to get your thoughts in order. Also, maybe seeing a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea either...

[madisgram]

welcome to pc!!! i'm so glad you found us. there is a lot of support for the things that are bothering u in the forums. "relationships and communications" is one forum that you might like to post at.
another thought, have u ever considered getting therapy re the divorce and your own relationship issues that have surfaced? a therapist could help you get a perspecitive on why you are feeling so distant from others. you may even be suffering from depression as a result of what's bothering you. idk, i'm not a therapist, but i know therapy really helped me a lot with many things i could not untangle all by myself.
please let us know how u are doing and know that we care about you and u do matter to us. i'm glad you posted about the things that are bothering you. that took courage. post when u feel comfortable and i'll listen and so will others.

[Asardina]

I'm feeling a little better just sort of getting all that out, to anyone. It was really hard to admit any of that to myself 'outloud'. It made it more real. And scary.


Thanks for the fords of encouragement. I'm considering therapy to help me sort all this out, but cost and time are big concerns. I guess I'll just keep looking for a bit.