Well, March 1st is rapidly approaching and the ex still has no way of moving out. She says she is trying, but I'm not sure that that's true. In the mean time, life from time to time is hell on earth for me. Sometimes we can hang out and watch a movie and it's cool. Others we can't stand the sight of each other and avoid each other to prevent fights. Then there are the couple times we have been intimate after the breakup even if only to satisfy our needs. What should I do? Let her stay as long as she needs? Give her a 30 day notice? Or just fling her *** out face first in the snow? This is really maddening for me cause I know that we are not meant to be together, but letting her go still blows. But at the same time I want my space and I want it now! I'm so confused and this doesn't make all my other crap any better.

Ryan

[MacD]

you know, i've found that even the worst relationships can be hard to eliminate. But rem, if you know that it's time to move on, then you need to do it...the "hanging out", "fighting" and having intimacy just because you both happen to be there...is really damaging to the psych...after i left, it happened a few times and i found that the "post" feeling was really bad...i felt my self worth dropping like a stone...is there a possibility that YOU could move out? sorry you're going through this painful and not always simple transition..but i can relate..love grace HANG ON IT WILL GET BETTER!

Grace, I'm the only one here on my lease here so me moving really isnt an option or I sure would leave. Thanks for the support Grace.

Ryan

[nightdream]

I don't know what to reply to this. I wish I knew.

I care about you and I hope you will find peace soon.

(((((((((((((Rem}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care dear one!
nightdream

[Dolfin]

Ryan, you don't want to know my opinion....throw her butt into the snow! You need to work on YOU so you can heal and move on with your life, and her constant presence isn't doing you any good hun. I think a time limit is in order. If she EVER loved you, she will understand why you so desperately need your space to get your life back.

[kimmydawn]

rem, this is a hard one for sure. i thought that there was a date already set that she would have her own place to go to? what's hindered that?

if there had been no specifics discussed before, i would say...give her a months' notice. however, since there has been alot of time allowed already, i say...give her two more weeks.

you said that the lease is in her name, or you would be more than happy to move? can you not go to mgmt. and have the lease transferred over into her name? i wouldn't want to do that, but i would if i had to.

it sounds like she's beginning to take advantage of your goodness here. that's not a good thing

i wish you well on this. let us know.

love,

[sabby]

I don't envy you your situation. Ending a relationship no matter how bad its gotten is never an easy thing to do.

Even when you are at the point of no longer loving that person, you are going thru a greiving process because it is the end of something that started with great hopes and love. Give yourself time to grieve for the loss, but take care not to be walked all over.

If you feel in your gut that it's time for her to go and she is just not making any efforts to leave...then you have the right to put your foot down and tell her enough is enough. It does neither of you any good to prolong the inevitable. If she still refuses, you have the upper hand since the lease is in your name only. You have legal remedies of getting her out of the apartment.

Good luck rem....hope it all works out for you!

Hugsssssssssssss

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Rem -- Yup, bad situation. I can hardly imagine throwing another person out into the snow. Here's the things that come to mind:

1. Talk to LL @ transferring lease into her name.

2. Take her apartment shopping. Put down the money to rent one for her, if you have to; move her stuff there; and change the locks of your apartment and the phone #.

3. If you can afford it, move into your own space and pay the lease until the end whenever she misses payments to avoid damage to your credit. Work out a deal with LL so that if she doesn't pay, you'll call to find out. Hopefully, there's not too many months left on the least????

((((((((((((((((((((((((REM)))))))))))))))))))))))

well, wants2, all three are great suggestions. I have 9 months left on my lease. I don't have the money to front for her to get her own place or I most certainly would. She can't afford the lease on this apartment or I would be moving out myself. I can afford to live here by myself comportably, but I literally make 3 times more than she does, and I'm still paying off the debt from when we moved up here about a year and a half ago. So unfortunately, short of throwing her out it seems like the 30 day notice is my only option. If you guys see another way out, please spit it out cause I'm lost here and really don't want her here for another month. And thanks for the input everyone.

Ryan

[sqrlb8]

I've been straining my little sqrl brain on this Rem, but haven't come up with more than we talked about before. If nothing else breaks loose, it's down to keeping a real close watch on yourself, and being as clear as you can. I'm so rootin for ya. Hang in there. You WILL come out the other side.

(((((sqrl))))) thanks so much for listening. I'm gonna try your suggestion you gave about storing her stuff and asking her to stay elsewhere for the time being.

Ryan

[Tormented_Lilah]

((((remmie)))) if you want them/

Amber, I do want them and I need them. Thank you.

Ryan

put her on the phone rem, ill tell her to leave!
no im totally kidding....
i lived with a guy i couldnt stand for so long we hated each other and still do...
you have to put that military authority to use here... and tell her that she has to go. (if thats what you want)
or is it more complicated?
are you actually ambivalent about her staying/leaving.....

jen, i want her out. there's a pert of me that regrets loosing a 3 year relationship, but the sane part of me says to move on cause it will never work... if that makes sense.

ryan

[nothemama8]

Rem, most landlords object to ppl not on leases, how is yours dealing with this, are you on good terms with yours , could the landlord tell her to get out?
Give her 2 weeks
Angie

is her stuff in boxes yet?
if not, you should go get some boxes and somenight you guys can pack her %#@&#! up together....
sounds like maybe its hard for her to let go of you or something, (if her stuff isnt packed) and this might make the transition easier.
plus, when its all boxed up ..... that will have to CONSTANTLY remind her that its time to go.

Jen, no her stuff isnt in boxes yet... well, not all of it. That's another good idea. I'll have to do that. Thanks. Angie, the lease is in my name but she is listed as an occupant. That's how our apartment complex works.

Ryan

[SpazKatt]

Rem I say MAKE her go appt shopping! Maybe she's not trying hard enough or not doing it at all , maybe holding onto hope that you'll change your mind and take her back. You don't have to put out any money for her but I'd say go with to look at appartments arrange to see two or three every week! and get her to realize that she IS going to move and you're not gonna let her stay there. I agree very much you should go out and get boxes and start packing her up so! Also, I 'm not sure about your state, but often in my state they offer subsidies to people who do not make enough to afford housing I'd suggest you check that out! Good luck give her a month and after that say sorry you need to be out, that's not mean at all, she knows the deadline! and make it clear sooner is better than later *HUGS*

Thanks spaz. I appreciate that advise.

ryan

[Dolfin]

Ryan,

The idea of subsidized housing never crossed my mind. We do have it here in Michigan, but the waiting lists can be ridiculous. I know you are dealing with a lot, and you are trying to get everything in order like yesterday (just like me - T told me baby steps) but, you are never going to be able to get yourself totally healthy until you can let go of the past, and that means getting the ex outta there ASAP.

MI law says that the actual lease holder CAN file a 30-day eviction on an occupant. (I know you would hate to see it get to that point, but it's something to keep in mind.)

How long has she been with you here in MI? Long enough to make a few friends/co-workers that can take her in (I remember you telling me she doesn't make that much money).

You gave her a time frame, it's come and gone. Now she's just using you. Maybe it's time to get nasty (as we used to say in our unit). I know it will hurt like Hell, but until you get past that chapter of your life, you won't be able to fully concentrate on getting yourself well and that should be what's most important. Take care of Number One.

Hugs and much love,
Jenn